Update:

*I went to the gym and had a really good cardio workout! My mileage is flyign by this week. I'm three days into my week (starting on Fridays as that was teh first day of the the year) and I've alrady got 45 miles down!!!!

*My food has been entered onto E-tools (I keep track of my foods on e-tools). Interesting thing to note.....when you go through all of your weekly points and go into the negative, it turns bright red. A bright red warning! I was able to update my activity points and it brought me back into the positive....but it's all entered!

Well, let me look at the last week of eating. Total debauchery! That's all I can say! I've been over my points. I've not chosen wisely. I've just been all off! The only thing that I've had going? Exercise. I've been on top of it with my exercise. Oh why oh why can I not get both things under control at the same time????

Emotional eating. I know that much of my poor eating choices this week have come purely from emotions. I know it. I'm trying to figure things out....get those emotions under control so to speak. I keep telling myself that there are few things in life that you have sole control of....and weight is one of...so take control! But for some reason that message just isn't getting to my brain.

So, as of today I'm back to journalling every bite I eat. I was doing it...and did do it through thursday. And then it all went to pot. In fact, I plan on going back and filling in my journal with the last two days of eating!!!! It's not gonna be pretty (when I stopped I only had 7 weekly extra points....I'm sure I'm WAY in the hole now!) But I will face up to my eating!!!

4 down....lots to go

Goals.....I did ok this week. exercise and recipes I rocked! The other two....well, lets just say better luck next week.

Mileage: I completed above and beyond my 60 mile mark for this week. (just above...but I did it). I'm still behind by 35 miles or so....but I'm on a roll and I'm going to make that up soon!

Strength training: Nada

Recipes: I tried three new recipes.
** Sweet and Spicy Wings which turned out quite tasty!
**Baked Mozzarella sticks.....I've missed cheese sticks as an appetizer, so I was super excited about these!
** Cake balls. Not at all healthy...in fact, step away from the computer...they are delicious, but highly fattening!

Weigh: Well when my official weigh in day came, my home scales showed a loss...the weight watcher meeting (not my normal) that I attended showed a gain. Go figure.


Last weeks goals:
Water consumption- I did ok, except for one day
Healthy foods-I struggled with some of my choices this week. After the first two days of my weight watchers week I looked at my counter and realized that I only have 8 flex points left for the week. YIKES! I ate that much extra food in TWO days!
Exercise-I made my 60 miles...with about 3 miles to spare! So I didn't cut deeply into the deficit, but I didn't go in the hole any further!

So for this week. Basically more of the same
1. water consumption
2. Healthy foods
3. Eradicate the mileage deficit that I have!!!

Oh the weather outside is.....blah

I know that the lack or bright sunshine has really affected my mental outlook. It's dark and dreary most of the time. Yeah, the sun is out today....but it's not a brilliant warm filled with goodness sun that just drives away the blahs.

I as doing some serious thinking in the shower this morning (isn't it the best place to think?) and I as thinking about how things in my world seem to be spiraling out of control...and I reminded myself that there is one thing that only I am in control of and that is my eating and exercise. I need to take control and maintain a consistent control! And quite honestly, regaining a long lasting control and getting my weight under control will help my confidence and all that jazz...which will also help other areas of my life!

I woke up this morning and knocked out 1 hour of exercise on the stationary bike. I looked at my mileage for the week (today is the last day of week four). I've got just about 3 miles to complete in order to complete the mileage for this week. So I figure I can jump on the bike for as little as 15 minutes when I get off work and I'll have it done! I didn't make up any miles this week (well, if I ride for more than the 3 miles tonight I'll make up a mile or two) but I as long as I ride tonight, I will not have lost any!!!

We went to dinner last night. Whew...in the last two days I've pretty much blown my flex points for the week. (most of them at least. haa haa haa). I stepped onto the scales this morning. I'm holding steady at pretty much where I've been the last few weeks. Surprising though! I do know that I'm retaining some water (my rings are SOOO tight this morning!)

Recap

I still don't really know why I felt compelled to write the last post....I guess it was just for me. To finally say out loud in one sitting just a bit of my experience. I have friends and family that still have never heard some of it, and how bad it really was. My husband was dating me at the time though....and if a guy can stand beside you during a time like that....he's a keeper. :-)

I guess there are a couple things

1. Failure. I believe that the fear of failure keeps me 'down.' (I'm petrified of failure since my experience) I know that when I had reached my doctor approved weight I started to self sabotage my weight loss and weight maintain (I was actually still trying to lose as I was at the upper limit of where he wanted me). Why? Fear of the unknown? Fear of failure? I had stalled with my weight loss. Stalled at 180. I went to the doctor and he told me that he wanted me between 160 and 180...so he was happy where I was. I wanted to lose more....I "tried" but I never really gave it my all. Why? Because I was afraid of failing at something, again. If I never tried to push forward, I wouldn't be failing. And my doctor gave me an out. I was within his goal weight' prescription. I need to stop worrying about failure...because to worry about it is only going to cause me to stop doing something, which is failure in itself. I heard a quote once that struck a chord. "The biggest failure is to never try". I've set up my mileage goal for this year. Honestly, I'm behind in my riding. I am so tempted to give it up, because if I give it up I'm not failing right? But I'm determined to see this through to the end AND succeed!

2. I'm sick of being a victim of obesity. I know that there have been opportunities that I have either lost because of my weight or that I have let slip by because of how my weight makes me feel on the inside. I do believe that there have been job opportunities that I have been passed over simply because I was an obese person and this employer wanted to portray a certain image...and a fat girl just wasn't it. But I will be honest with myself and say that I'm sure that my mental view of myself has at times seeped to the surface becoming visible for all those around me to see. Negative self thoughts, while we think that they are buried deep within us are in reality on display each and every day simply in the way we act, dress, talk and live our daily lives. I read on someones blog (so sorry, can't remember whom) that this person was going to take 15 minutes each day to pamper themselves. How profound!

3. I need to stop caring what a few nincompoops said to me and about me, especially those things that I have no control over. Who cares. If I like me, and my husband likes me and my family likes me and friends...well you get the point. Who cares. Live my life for ME and don't worry about those things that can not be changed! And remember that I was wonderfully made by the greatest creator!

4.Well, I'm just going to beat the hell out of this weight...make myself healthy mentally, emotionally and physicallY!


That said, I got emotional this morning and left it affect my eating at lunch. ARRGGGHHH And then of course I got ticked off at myself for doing it...what a viscious cycle! I did however ride for 35 minutes this morning!

'Tis a lot of baggage

A deep look at things that have been terribly emotional....I'll get to my weigh in later in the post...I promise! I know it's a bit long....but it's something that I think I need to write for me. So if you read it, I will feel honored....if you don't no skin off my back.

I was talking to a friend last night about what we would do differently with/in our lives if given a second chance. My biggie....I would have stopped being apathetic about my weight years...decades actually earlier and lost the weight. I feel that my excess weight has had a hand in most major decisions of my life. I know in friendships and jobs it has. Maybe not because of the actual weight, but from the baggage that I carry internally because of the weight. With how the weight has made me feel. So with this conversation in my mind coupled with the knowledge that I really need to find another job, I started to think......

I knew two things as I was growing up. I wanted to be a mother and I wanted to be a teacher. I had the most loved and well cared for baby dolls while playing house. And those dolls were highly educated as when I wasn't playing house, I was playing school and teaching them. So it was with no deliberation at all on my part nor any surprise to my family when I declared myself as an elementary education major in college (actually before I even took my first college class I had declared my major). I was full of ideas and promise for my future as a teacher. I graduated from college, with honors and my future looked bright. I moved home from college and commenced with the job search and got no-where. Why didn't I get a job? I don't rightly know. I know that after I had subbed a few years, I was actually told that my record as a substitute teacher was actually hurting me. Not because I was doing a poor job, but because I was actually doing too good of a job. I was told that a good sub is hard to find so when they have one that can keep a class under control and actually still teach them something AND one that is reliable that they don't want to hire them for a full time position because that leaves a hole in their substitute ranks. I was told over and over that I was 'a good one'. I was in high demand. After the first year (half year actually) I worked EVERY day of the school year. From the very first day to the bitter end. I did it all. But yet I wasn't hired full time. Could it have been because I was to valuable as a sub or could it have been my weight compressing me to the point that I had made myself un-employable simply because how my weight was making me feel was showing on the outside? I don't know. But the end result was that I couldn't buy, beg or steal a teaching job locally.

A few years after I graduated from college I applied for a teaching position in a county that was known for it's low socio-economic areas. It was a whim, I didn't expect anything to come of it. But the fire to teach was still burning deeply inside of me. So it was with much surprise when I came home one evening in late July and picked up my mail. There was an envelope from the school system that I had applied to. I laughingly told Todd (who was at my house for the evening...as we were dating at the time) "oh look, another rejection letter." Only it wasn't a rejection letter. It was actually a teaching contract....with the board of Ed's appropriate signatures already affixed at the bottom. The only thing left was my signature. I hadn't interviewed! I hadn't even talked to the school system. I had simply sent my resume and references to them. They hired me site unseen! That should have been my first clue. But that fire to teach was burning, so I went to the 'interview' process. It was not a normal interview in that the administrators were asking "MaryFran, what are your qualifications." It was a room full of administrators begging the applicants (who from what I gathered had all received signed contracts in the mail.....similar to my story) to accept the position/assignment at their school! I think of it as the human/teacher meat-market. Clue number two.......this is not a normal practice,but I went ahead with it and signed the contract and moved....all within 2 weeks. I was officially a 4th grade teacher.

The first month or two of the school year were fabulous. The students were responding to me, I was in my glory. There were some issues though. Supplies. Every time I asked for something....even something as simple as a stapler, I was told that they were working on getting it for me...although in retrospect they never arrived. So I ended up going out and buying my own supplies. The other major issue those first two months? I had no teachers manuals. Yes, you read that correctly. I had none! (didn't get them until the beginning of January). These things were just a minor annoyance though. I was capable of developing lesson plans without the teachers manuals. It just took a bit more time. The supplies....it really didn't get to me, I had waited so long to teach that I didn't care. Nothing I ever did was good enough for the administrators. I wrote on the chalkboard to large.....the next day it was to small. I would actually measure other teachers chalkboard writing and compare it to mine....it would be exactly the same, but mine was never good enough. One administrator told me that my voice was a problem...it grated against her senses. (no-one ever told me that before...in fact when I worked in a call center, I frequently got compliments on my voice). It was just anything and everything, attacking me in any way that they could. I can see it looking back, but when it was happening it was utterly confusing and devastating to be told that you were the worlds worst teacher and person.

After about a month or two though, I started noticing a shift in the students behavior. It was subtle at first with the class being a bit more unruly. But it escalated. It wasn't until I was picking my class up from one of their specials that I figured out the problem. I was being undermined by the administration. I stood outside of the door and heard an administrator saying, "These little notebooks are for you to keep in your desk. We want you to write down everything that Miss Clingan does so that we can find a reason to fire her because we don't want a white person in our school." My students very quickly realized that they could do ANYTHING in my room and there would be no repercussions. It quickly became sheer bedlam! There was no support from the admin staff. I had a student threaten to "bring my dad's gun to school so I can shoot you". The admin refused to do anything or even put it on the records "He's a young black man...if we put that on his records he has no chance in society" What about me? If I'm dead I have no chance either, I wanted to scream! I broke up a fight in my classroom at one point. The students were not reprimanded (remember very low socio-economic area...the parents were young and really didn't care either) and when I talked to my vice-principal about the injury I sustained while breaking up the fight I was told that he was not going to fill out or sign the paperwork because it was my fault that there was a fight in the first place. The injury? Muscle problems in my back. Yeah, the same problem I STILL struggle with today, ten years later.

I remember sobbing at one point over the Christmas break because the situation was so awful. In January, it got worse. My health was being affected. I spent some time in the ER because I couldn't breathe or swallow without pain....they couldn't find any cause...other than stress. Finally, one day (it was a Friday) I was on the beltway driving home and I saw a dump truck and my first thought was "if I swerve in front of it I would die and that would end this misery". NOT cool. So very not cool. But it made it startingly clear that something had to change, and quickly. By the following Monday, I had written my letter of resignation, made up a week (maybe two, I can't remember) of lesson plans for the substitute, cleaned out my personal belongings from my room and I was done with teaching.

The union jumped on the case hot and heavy after I left (wasn't much they could do earlier..even though I had been in contact with them). Turns out it was well documented to keep certain students separated....I had three of these documented pairings in the same room. (the only three on file for that grade level.) I had 36 students....I was supposed to have an aide....no one EVER walked into my room to assist...or help....or even give advice. The union started a lawsuit, but within a month or two , I put a stop to it. My mental health was much more important and continually talking about it every time they had questions was not allowing me to heal.

The experience left me with some huge emotional scars.
*It's been 10 years...but as I've written this today I've had to stop at least once each paragraph to look away and calm myself down. You see, the breathing swallowing difficulty comes right back, even after 10 years. People always say, try teaching somewhere else. But come on now....if after 10 years I still struggle with stress related physical difficulties I think that's our answer. After 10 years I will no longer say NEVER teach. But I think I can still safely say NEVER teach in a public school setting.
* I have felt like a failure. All I ever wanted to do was be a teacher, and I failed. (I struggle with saying, through no fault of my own, but I didn't have any control over the situation).
*I have allowed all those comments about my personality and even my personal and physical traits (things that I have no control over) to affect how I have felt about myself. My first mistake was believing them....my second mistake was taking them to heart!

I can't blame my weight all on this situation, but I will say when I left teaching I weighed 210 pounds....somehow I ballooned up to 300 within 2 years. But I can look back and I can see how my weight and the baggage that I have carried because of my weight has affected the decisions that I've made that brought me to that point and even further. I can also see how the situation has totally affected my weight. The situation made me feel worthless and unworthy of anything. To lose weight and be healthy you have to feel like you are worth the effort, for months I was continually told me that I was not worth it.

I don't know what writing this post will do. I know that writing this and even somewhat 'grudgingly' (because I still struggle with saying that I was innocent) admitting that I was an innocent party in this saga is not going to make it better over night. But I hope that by actually admitting it that I can move forward. While I desperately need to find another job...one that isn't so mind-numbingly boring and just...well......brain dead I know that it will not be in the public school system (so don't even bring it up in a conversation) but what does a person with a degree in Education do? hmmmmm

I'm worth it! All the stuff that they spouted at me for those months I need to take at face value....which means I need to pitch it ALL out the door.

*********************************************

I went to a weight watchers center other than the one that I normally go to last night. I was happy to go because according to my home scales I was showing a 1.2 pound loss. My home scales have always been dead on with the weight watcher scales so I was looking forward to the weigh in. A loss is a loss. So imagine my surprise when I get off the scale and look at the paperwork. They showed me a 1.6 pound GAIN! So that's 2.8 pounds different from my home scale. My only consolation and hope is that I was on a different scale.....maybe the scales at this center were off. Hmmmm. Not sure! Oh well, nothing to do other than plod onward!

Already hit the bike for 30 minutes this morning. I plan on riding more tonight during TBL, so I'll be doing good for today!

Bits of nothing

Yesterday was a good day with my eating and exercise. I got 1.5 hours of cardio in. (sadly no strength training) and I stayed within my points allotment for the day. Most of those points were also healthy! I did eat the heck out of the strawberries! I love love love strawberries!


After beautiful weather on Saturday and pretty decent (a bit drizzly) weather on Sunday, I was saddened this morning when I awoke to.....POURING rain. A literal deluge of water descending from the sky. I had to drive to work in it...there was water pooled in places I've NEVER seen water pooled! It just makes me long for summer even more!!!

A day in the life of abnormal me.

I have written lately about how I feel depressed sometimes because I want to be normal. I don't want to have to watch every stinkin' bite of food that goes into my mouth. I don't want to have to push myself to exercise because I NEED to. How I want to be able to eat anything I want and not have to worry about it. I want to be normal. Sooooo this morning when I woke up, I was like...ohh my actions last night were so abnormal. And it just once again proves how abnormal and screwed up my thought processes are when it comes to all things related to food. Let me start for the beginning.

Yesterday while still at work I planned out my meal for the evening. I was to be home alone, which is almost always a huge huge issue with me because with my addiction to food, I have a tendency to keep eating and with no-one there to help keep me in check it sometimes isn't pretty when I write down what I have eaten. So I planned my evening out. I was going to use the leftover tomato sauce, put it on a flour tortilla and top it with 1/4 cup fat free mozzarella...i would cleanse my palate with a serving of grapes. That would actually give me a nice dinner and it would actually put me with 3 points to spare for the evening, in case I wanted to make popcorn or grab a 1/2 cup serving (pre-measured of course) of ice cream (2 points for what I currently have in the freezer). All was good. I've learned, if I have a plan and I can and will stick to the plan and not just eat what my addiction directs me to eat. SOOOO, I went home and made my little pizza. The first problem was the cheese. I think I should pre-measure my cheese for these things too...because of course I dumped WAY more than the 1/4 cup that I had planned. But no worries, I had those extra points to take care of it. I decided to spice up my pizza by adding some more garlic powder and other spices. Great idea right? I don't know what overcame me but I went happy with the garlic powder. And garlic powder is a good thing.....in small amounts. In large amounts...not so good! My dinner tasted, 'ok' but not the greatest. But after dinner, I found that I just wanted more and more food. Why? Because the taste of garlic was so strong that i was still tasting it a few hours later. I had a 1/2 cup serving of ice cream and I also had a jello pudding cup. So it could have been worse. But why did I eat them? Oh, I knew why I ate them......I was trying to cleanse my palate. I was trying to remove the overpowering taste of the garlic powder. I drank a diet soda...that didn't help! I wanted to eat more, but somehow managed to keep from tearing the cupboard doors off the hinges.

So this morning I woke up and before I even moved out of the bed I realized how abnormal I was. A NORMAL person would have simply gone to the bathroom and brushed their teeth...used some mouthwash. But no, I immediately turned to food to fix my problem. What an easy fix it would have been. Yes, I eventually figured it out and fixed the problem. But come on now....is my thinking so screwed up that even something as simple as that is tied with food. Is anything in my life not directly tied to food????

Weekly Check in

Week three of the new year has passed us by and it's time for me to fess up and face the music in regards to my goals. Soooo lets pull out the list and check it twice.


Lets look at my year goals first.
1. The mileage. I did 28.9 miles this past week. Only half of what I should have done. Not too bad when I add in that I was sick for most of that time frame. I am now at 129.91 for the year...I should be at 180 miles. So I've got some makeup mileage to do.
2. Weekly goals....I set them...worked on them to some extent...we'll get to that later
3. Strength training...nada (hey, I was sick!)
4. New recipes...yes, 1 I made Berry Banana Bread

Ok, as for my weekly goals there were as follows:
1. Water Consumption...especially on the long weekend. I actually did really good with this!!!
2. Stick to my points....religiously! I stuck to my points...but I didn't make them HEALTHY points
3. Make the food that goes into my mouth nutritious and healthy Failed on this one...it was carb city
4. Hop back onto the exercise....catch up with the mileage that I'm behind! Ok, so I was a bit sick and failed on this....Having this as my weekly goal pushed me and I got 1/2 of my goal for the week at least!

So this week....new weekly goals:

1. Water consumption again.
2. Exercise...I WILL do at least my 60 miles....but I want to start cutting into my 'debt' of where I'm behind....that means I have 40 extra miles to make up...above and beyond my 60 miles for the week. I may not make it all up this week, but I am to at least make a dent in my deficit.
3. Stay within my food budget...and make my points HEALTHY ones!


So there we have it!

I did ride the exercise bike this morning. I laid in bed and thought about ditching it....or 'waiting for this evening' (waiting never works because by the time I've worked all day I just don't want to worry with it) but I thought about my goal/motivator and it pulled me out of bed!

On a good note.......Lil' Mertz seems to be recovering well. How do I know? Well, I saw this last night.....

Empty calories

Well, I stepped onto the scales today. I hadn't been on the scales since Tuesday morning. I was appalled to see that my weight had gone up by 1 pound. YIKES! Ok, I'll be honest. It could be water...or something like that. I mean, I didn't blow my points. On one day I used a flex point or two...but I stayed well within my budget. But, lets be honest here. While I stayed in my points range...it wasn't the healthiest of points. I did get my servings of fruits and veggies in...but everything else was CARB CITY!

Oh yes, I had bread (those berry banana muffins are really good...but they are a bread...carbs) for breakfast. I had sandwiches for lunch along with my potato soup (carbs and more carbs). I ate pasta for dinner and wiped my plate clean with homemade french bread

I tell you, it was a total carb fest!

No more! Today I'm watching my carbs more carefully. I'm making sure that most of my points are HEALTHY for me points. AND, I woke up early and rode my bike today.


I have a very clear goal...and a very good reason to lose this weight. I'm a woman on a mission!

Happiness...focusing on happiness

As I've been rather depressed lately, I think it's quite fitting that I do the little activity (or whatever the heck it's called) that's going around blog-land. Thanks to those of you who have asked me to do this!!!! I need to focus on these 'happy things' versus the depressing things!

10 things that make me happy.
1. My kitty cats! (oh wait, can I break that down and call it 1, Lucy; 2. Ethel 3. Mertz....so on and so forth. But that's cheating)
2. Spending time with my husband (ooops, that should have been first shouldn't it have been?)
3. Baking. I love to bake and it makes me happy to do so
4. Spending time with my parents
5. Family-brother and his family in particular
6. Warm summer days..spent outdoors...the scent of honeysuckle or lilac heavy in the air
7. Big snow storms when I'm warm and cozy in my house...snowed in with the love of my life
8. A good meal....deliciously prepared...with top of the line ingredients
9. A good book and a nice comfy couch with warm toasty blanket to cuddle under.
10. Good friends



This is a superb recipe that I made, yup, they were baked. Berry-Banana Muffins I did muffins...and each muffin is only 2 WW points. They are VERY tasty too!

Well well well. I actually got on the exercise bike during TBL last night and rode. One hour, so hopefully this will put me back on the proper track for exercise! My eating....Tuesdays are usually my 'cheat day'. Well, not really cheat, but they are my 'have a big heavy meal' day. Hey, we have to get that stuff out of our system. It would not be healthy for me to give up foods that I honestly love...so my Tuesday heavy meal is my way of getting those foods...but in moderation! One day...one meal. (not the every day every meal that we used to eat like that). But my plan is made for my eating today and I'm on track!

I'm still here....I was sick all weekend. It was a long weekend...and beautiful weather (well, except for the one rain day), but I spent most of it on the sofa. Exercise for the weeekend....zilch! Eating...not toooo bad though.

I had an epiphany this morning. I'm not going to talk about it online...but it's pretty deep. And it should really spark me to really work on my goals! Sooooooo, I'm fully motivated and ready to lose this weight!!!!

Weekly report

Well, the second week of 2010 has come and gone. Where do I sit in my goals?

1. I rode just about 30 miles this week...96 for the year...so I'm off pace to complete my 3000 miles for the year. I'm about 24 miles behind pace. No problem, I can catch up!
2. Weight loss. My official loss for the first week (instead of doing two losses a week...one at my weight watchers and then another on fridays, I'm just going to go by my weight watcher loss...keep it more simple). So my official loss for the week...4 pounds!
3. Recipes....I did good. This one is proving to be a lot of fun. I did 4 new recipes this week. Last week was 5......so I'm at 9 for the year! WAY above the target of 1 a week!
This week I tried a fresh Broccoli Salad. It was very good. It could be altered to suit your needs and tastes.
Then I tried a Chicken Dorito Bake. I admit to having misgivings while making this recipe becuase in all honesty it sounded gross on paper. But it was DELICIOUS!
The next thing I made was a Chocolate Peanut Butter Parfait. TOTALLY scrumptious!
The fourth new recipe/food for the week was Spinach n' Broccoli Enchiladas. Packed with healthy nutrients!
4. Strength training....well........we're going to work on that this week!
5. I set my weekly goals.....I struggled some.
*water drinking...I did really good!
*multi-vitamin......it was hit or miss. I got it down about 1/2 of the time...the other times I just plain forgot!


Soooo weekly goals. I have a LONG weekend (starts today at 1 and doesn't end until Tuesday at noon)...which can mean struggles...especially since I'll be home alone during much of it...so my goals are very 'survive the long weekend intact' oriented.
1. Water consumption....get it in...EVEN and especially on the weekend
2. Stick to my points....religiously!
3. Make the food that goes into my mouth nutrtious and healthy
4. Hop back onto the exercise....catch up with the mileage that I'm behind!

I woke up this morning and laid there and started to let my worries and stress get to me. But then I remembered my post from yesterday. I can control my weight....so I got up and hopped on the exercise bike and rode like the wind for an hour. Ok, not like the wind, I actually rode rather slowly, when it was all said and done only 8 miles in that hour. I guess I was too involved in my reading (I was reading a Micheal Palmer book while I was riding). But hey, I was out there riding!!!!

Control

First of all let me report in on my weight watcher meeting and the numbers. I lost 4 pounds!!! So my official loss for my first week of the year is 4 pounds! WOOO HOOOO!!

Of late I've been in a rather blah mood. You might even say I've been depressed. I feel as if my world is spinning madly out of control and I don't know where to grab hold...or how to grab hold...or even if grabbing hold will help. I stress about my weight. I worry about money (owning your own business...while it definitely has it's perks, it also makes my husbands income subjective to the weather, to clients, equipment breakdowns, etc). I can go on with the things in life I have no control over.Intrinsically I know that my actions and decisions do ultimately affect everythign, but it feels like so little....and if feels as if everything is so subjective. So while I have a say in some minor areas.....I really have no control over any of it. Yet, I worry and fret about these things that I have no control over.

So for some reason, I don't even know what sparked me to think this, last night I decided that I'm going to focus on the one thing that I have total and utter control over. There is only one thing that me, myself and I have complete 100% control over. Guessed it yet? My weight...and my weight loss. Maybe if I have control over at least one area of my life, that the 'blah's' will go away!

The grass is not always greener

Just read a great post that talks about maintaining a healthy weight! I have never had a problem with the concept of losing the weight. There is an end date. I however struggle with the concept of the 'for the rest of my life' that I have in front of me. I admit to getting depressed sometimes when I look at other people who seemingly go through life without a thought to what they eat with no seemingly no adverse affects. This post is excellent because it shows that outwardly there is no adverse affects, but there really are long reaching side effects from a poor (high caloric) diet.

My brother has often talked about bikers. He said that he knows a bunch of people that started biking simply as their form of exercise...because it burns mad calories (at the rate my brother does it at least) and because these people like to eat. He also says that many of these same guys start each spring close to 20 (or more) pounds heavier because they are not biking in the winter but they are eating like they want.

Anyway...I think I always knew that it would take work to keep off. I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is the 'forever' and the jealousy when I see other people eating what they want...when they want. That is what makes me depressed and want to throw in the towel. I guess I need to remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. ....which makes me think of my ex manager...She was one of those eat anything and everything...she was a size 2. But after watching her eat with jealousy for a few months I started noticing something. She would eat her cheesecake for breakfast lunch and dinner...but it wasn't a PIECE of cheesecake taht she ate for each meal...it was 2 bites of that same piece of cheesecake. She would work on the same darn piece of cheesecake for 2 or three days. The same was true with pretty much all the junk food that she ate....just a bite or two and then she was done. She loved food......she REALLY loved food...and junk food...oh my she was in LOVE with junk food. She just ate enough to satisfy herself and then called it quits.....portion control. So she was in her own way managing her weight. Yet I was jealous of her at the beginning because she was so thin and ate EVERYTHING. (Me, I would eat a piece...or two of cheesecake at one sitting...her it took 3 days to eat a piece).

SO I guess I need to re-evaluate and realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. So when I get to my goal weight, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just go with it. I know that the vacation that it all fell apart for me I kept saying (out loud actually) that I was going to live a 'normal' life for that week. And I did...and I gained 9 pounds. And I never stopped. Sooo who's normal was I living? I had reverted to the normality for an OBESE person. Not for the average thin person!

Tuesday ramblings

Tonight is my meeting. So I'll have my official loss tomorrow. But lets just say that I'm not bummed about what I think the scales are going to say.

Last night I made Chicken Dorito Casserole for dinner. I should call it Donna's Delicious Dish as it came from Donna.

So I'm moving forward and having a blast with the recipes. My exercise....I'm struggling this week. I know that my hsoulder is giving me grief...but I should be able to push myself through the pain in my shoulder to continue to at least ride the exercise bike. Last night I got on and rode between 10 and 15 minutes and then quit! I have vowed that I will ride at least the first half of TBL tonight!!! I almost forgot my multivitamin this morning. I was literally walking out the door and remembered. I had my husband shove it in my mouth as my hands were full....but I took it!!! Water...I actually did it this weekend...drinking my alloted amount of water is more difficult for me on the weekends...but I managed!

Update

Watching the above video is well worth your time. It totally encapsulates what we need to be doing on this weight loss journey and that is making it fun! For a food addict like me that means constanly pushing the envelope and finding new recipes to try....to keep it from getting boring. It means trying new activities and doing activities that are fun for me. Because face it, if we are not having fun, than these changes will NOT stay...and the goal is to make these changes lifelong!

ok, update. I'm doing good with my water and my multi-vitamin. Today may be a challenge with the water as I'll be riding around with mom and dad all day. But I've got my big jug (64 ounces all in one container) of water ready to go.

Exercise...I'm struggling with that one right now. I've got a whopping 3 miles in for this second week. (I was only 6 miles ahead after last week...so I'm officially behind). I know it's excuses...but this shoulder/neck/muscle/nerve thing is REALLY not feeling to swift. It hurts to move my neck, it hurts to move my arm, it hurts to twist my torso. And of couse that causes the headaches....so if the pain isn't that bad, I'm most likely suffering with a headache. What gives?????

Weight.....I'm down about 3 pounds...actually a little more I would say.

One week in!

So I'm one week into my goals for the year 2010. I set my weekly goals last week. In recap they were:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!

Sooo lets take them one at a time. My yearly goals.
*I am now on a course for 3000 miles for the year, which means I need just about 60 miles each week (actually less, but I'm figuring 60...to make it easier and to give a little leeway). How did I do? I logged 66 miles for the week!
*Strength training- 2 sessions
*New recipes- 5
1. Baked Sweet Potato fries. I don't know why I never tried to make fries with sweet potatoes. I do it all the time with regular potatoes.
2. 5 spice shrimp and walnut stir-fry
3. Mexican Casserole
4. Zucchini Alfredo
5. Apple Marinade for chicken
*Weight loss....I actually forgot to weigh...HONESTLY forgot. The alarm went off early for Todd and I had promised to make him breakfast for the road...so I was up and in the kitchen and just didn't think about it until a few hours later.

Weekly goal number 2. I have had a bunch of on track days with my eating. I feel more empowered and in control with each succesive day!

Weekly goal number 3. Excuses. I have to admit on New years Day we went out to eat and I made an excuse as to why I should eat because it was New Years Day...a holiday. I will admit it. Otherwise, I didn't come up with reasons that I deserve or need to eat. IN fact, the last few days I've been totally on track...no excuses. I eat what I eat and that's it. I haven't been trying to wheedle extra food or whatnot!

Soooo goals for week two.

1. Become religious about taking my multi-vitamin
2. Water consumption......EVEN DURING THE WEEKEND!
3. Push through my sore shoulder and at least get some cardio under my belt!

Already reevaluating

My goals. I find that every goal on my list is quite doable. I know that I could do everything. However, I need to make a change.

100 miles a week. I had set a goal of 100 miles a week, or 5200 miles a year. It seemed doable when I thought about it. Why? I don't know. I'm a slow bike rider...and average 10 miles per hour. That is 10 hours a week. Doable...yeah. I was also thinking ahead to summer and that when I ride in GWG, I'll knock out at least 25 miles that day. That's 1/4th of a 100 mile goal. So I was thinking 100 would be a good number. I did set up an escape plan of 60 miles a week...or 3120 miles for the year. But in my mind if I only reached that goal I would be a failure...it was the 5200 miles or nothing in my mind.

So I started out my first week of this challenge. I've ridden every day. Some days I've ridden twice. And I'm still close to 40 miles away from reaching my challenge. For me to make 100 miles this week, I would need to put 2 hours in on the bike today and two hours in on the bike tomorrow. I would not be giving my body a day of rest. Because come Friday my 100 mile a week ticker resets and if I miss a day...I'll be behind. I have already stressed myself out over this 100 miles...how...when.

I was at the gym yesterday and I realized that a goal of 100 miles is not realistic. In order for me to reach that 100 miles I'll be spending 10 hours on the bike each week. (on to of that I have my strength training goal....so add more time in). I like to have a varied workout. Some days I go to the gym I like to do the treadmill...or the elliptical, etc etc etc. But those other machines and exercises don't give me the higher mileage...so I know me...in my zeal to complete my mileage, I'll only do the bike...because it's my best chance. That is ok short term...but it's not cool long term. My body needs the different workouts.

The last factor is the fact that 100 miles a week gives me absolutely NO wiggle room. As mentioned above I have to pretty much work out an hour and a half a day....every day So what happens when I drive out to my brothers house for vacation. A day of driving out there and a day of driving back....that's two days that I wont be riding that week. What happens this summer when I spend my complete day off....8-10 hours working in the garden and yard....or when I work from sunup until 2 or three the next morning because green beans needed to be picked and canned....bushels of them. In the summer we grow and preserve a lot of our food....it takes time and work. Manual labor. On some of those days, there is NO way that I can add in 1-2 hours of biking. But with my 100 mile challenge I HAVE to.

Sooooooo, I"m going to lower my number. I"m lowering it to 3000 miles for the year. 60 miles a week is actually 3120 miles. But I"m going to make it an even 3000 miles. That will account for a week of vacation and it will also give me another week's wiggle room in case I get sick or something else happens (when my brothers in town...or stuff like that).

I'm still going to keep that 5200 miles in the back of my mind. I'm not going to stop at 60 miles each week. If I reach the 60 miles early (due to a big bike ride or something like that) I'm going to push onward. I would still like to reach that 5200 miles. But I'd rather face the truth NOW and admit that 5200 miles may be out of my reach THIS year. Why? Because a realistic goal is one that I will strive for long term. An unrealistic one.....that will disappear from my radar within a few weeks. And don't worry...the 100 mile challenge will come up periodically in my weekly goals. :-)

deprivation versus moderation

Will I ever learn? I would like to think that this has been a true lesson and that we have learned it correctly this time. I know that I vowed on the way down that I would never weigh over 200 pounds again. Yet, here I sit. But I had never lost weight before. I dont think I realized how monumentally difficult it would be to maintain my loss. I think I Just figured the worst part would be losing and then it would all be pretty with the weight loss. I knew that I would always have to keep an eye on my weight. I just didn't realize how closely I would have to gaurd against excess weight.



I think another issue I had. When I was losing, I was so 'into' it that I didn't mind skipping over hte desserts. I didn't mind all that. Yeah, I splurged every once in a while and got something yummy (totally splurging...but still watching carefully my intake of food). So when I reached the pinnacle...my lifetime membership while I knew that I couldn't have those fattening things all the time, I gave myself the go ahead to splurge more often....and to splurge even if it wasn't exactly accounted for and prepared for in regards to my caloric/points intake. So after a year or so of watching carefully, I started to sample and I found that I couldn't stop. Basically the doors opened to a world of no deprivation and 40 pounds just popped back onto my body. This time around I'm determined to do it right. I'm not going to deprive myself. I will be eating cake every once in a while. It will be planned for, accounted for and I will have the points available to eat it. There will be no deprivation, there will be lots of moderation. :-)

I made it to the gym this morning. Got a nice cardio workout in...AND another strength training session. WOOO HOOO!

Mental

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Weight loss is not a physical journey, it's a mental journey. Ohh yeah, there will be physical changes...but the major part is all mental. In emails today I've talked to friends and every time it came around to mental challenges.

1. Stress eating because seemingly life is out of control. Everything may be spinning out of control but you do have one are of your life that you can control. Your eating. It is quite empowering to be in control of something when everything seems to be spinning madly. MENTAL
2. Are you hungry at work, in the afternoon? Mental games. Chewing gum, drinking water, trying to occupy your mind.
3. We can go into the whole 'mentalness' of how this weight on our bodies has affected us emotaionally/mentally and otherwise.

It just seems as if this whole journey is really played out in our heads! Get your head in the game and it will go easier.

This 5200 mile challenge. It's gonna be a really difficult one to keep. I'm 4 days in and I'm already behind the 8 ball so to speak. If I were planning on riding 7 days a week for the whole 365 days, I'd need to be riding 14.3 miles a day.....if I only ride 5 of the 7 days it's 20 miles. Right now I'm 4 days in and I'm averaging about 10 miles a day. I need to step up the pace and work out a schedule for these miles! Optimally, I would like to get ahead and not constantly be behind. We'll have to see. However, looking at how difficult this challenge is going to be...I think I may need to upgrade my 'simple' piece of jewelry. Tee hee hee

Ok, so I didn't start out as strong as I intended. But it's all good.

Yesterday I did get on the exercise bike....only 5 miles down out of my weekly goal of 100. Yikes, I'm gonna have to work for this one!!!! I just spent the last 5 hours taking down Christmas decorations and rearranging the house. The exercise bike is now in the living room. I've got some serious peddling to do in order to reach my 100 mile goal! Being in the living room will hopefully help me!

SOoo my weekly goals:

1. Get a strong start in my yearly goals!
2. Get back on track with eating and exercising
3. Stop making excuses for why I should eat!