A new year is upon us

Sooo the year rolls to an end. Well, we are on the final stretch right now. I sit back and I look at this last year. Weight wise, it's been a total disaster. I've totally lost my way and I've gained back weight. I've gained back a lot of weight. (Hey, isn't the end of the year time for true confessions). I've only gone up one size in my clothing....so that's good at least, because it could have been worse. I have learned some stuff about myself...some personal things that I've come to grips with...things that I'm learning to overcome. It's all good. Especially since overcoming these things will hopefully bring me back full cycle into a stage where I really WANT to lose the weight. I've never stopped wanting to lose weight. But that deep down drive to succeed has been a bit absent. Me looking deep into myself has hopefully opened the way for my success.

Sooo, I'm not setting New Years Resolutions. A resolution is to hoo hum, "this is something I'm forcing myself to do". I am setting goals for my new year. Goals that in some cases are going to actually require me to work for them. I've also got rewards set up in my mind for these goals. SOooooo here they are (and Donna if you are reading this...you are getting a sneak preview to them, instead of having to wait until Monday when we set up our time to share our goals!

Ok...here goes.

1. Expand my collection of recipes. I love to cook, and have tons of cookbooks and I have tons of recipes. But eating at home and eating healthy really is contingent upon not getting bored with the meals that are being made and served. For the last year and a half I have not eaten much beef (probably 5-10 times). I've never been a seafood eater. I am not ready to give up chicken and turkey, but I'm really toying with the idea of dropping pork from my diet. Vegetarian recipes are in short demand at my place. I've picked up some here and there over the years, but not enough to survive on long term. So that is my focus. Vegetarian recipes (and nope, I don't like the meat substitutes like soy and/or tofu...which of course is still soy). I'm sure I'll still be adding some meat based recipes in, but I want to focus more on vegetarian options...and honestly, I'll be just as happy without any meat. :-)

2. Lose weight. I want to get back to my goal weight of 180 pounds. Yes, I'd like to go lower, but my goal for this upcoming year is to simply get back to my Doctor recommended weight of 180. (bmi says I should be no more than 164)

3. Add strength training into my weekly routine. This one is a difficult one for me. When I'm running short on time, I tend to skip the strength training and only do cardio. I KNOW that I need the strength training. And this is really the only goal that I've set that I'm not looking forward to. How many times a week. Optimally, I'd like to get back to the three times a week deal. Realistically, at this point...ANYTHING is better than what I'm doing.

4. Set weekly goals for myself. Keeping the main goals still there, I'd like to set weekly goals for myself. It could be something as simple as 'remember to take my multivitamin each day'. Or it could be focus on water consumption. Or I could expound on one of my main goals...but each week I want to sit down and actually think about where I am and set look at where I want to be at the end of the week.

5. And here is the biggie. I want to propel myself, via bike, elliptical, walking, jogging, stationary bike, treadmill whatever a bare minimum of 60 miles a week. That is a bare minimum of 3120 miles for the year. The real number that I'm aiming for though.....100 miles a week for the year...that's 5200 miles for the year. I am not counting my normal everyday walking, which means I'm not going to wear a pedometer everyday and count the steps that i take when I go to the bathroom or cooking dinner towards my mileage........if I go for a walk on the canal and walk 3 miles, THAT will count...but normal every day walking...nope Not unless it's an abnormal day...like a day walking around DC....or Chicago...or something like that..something that is out of the ordinary. Ok, I have an update......I made it 5 days and I realized 100 miles was not doable...so I'm changing it to 60 miles a week..which give me room to have a day of rest each week and not be riding my bike hours every day of the week! More about the reasoning behind the change here.


Rewards for these goals. I've only set two rewards. When I get back to my goal weight....a vacation of my choice to where ever I want. If....no, when I reach the 5200 miles, my reward will be a piece of jewelry. Nothing over the top in price. A simple ring...a pair of earrings. Something that I can wear...and wear with pride knowing that I propelled myself for more than 5200 miles in a year.

So there you have it!

Christmas is over. It's kinda depressing to say. The build up is sooo big and then in one fell swoop it's over. Sad.

I've made a vow to get my eating and exercise back under control. Todd and I have set up a mutual reward and we are DYING to get the reward so we are both working towards it pretty good. The reward? I'm embarrassed to say...it's a food reward. We both love Bucca di Beppo....and we actually even have a gift certificate there...so in essence it's free food. But we have said that we have to lose a combined 20 pounds before we can go there. WHew......So I want to do my part with at least 10 pounds of that 20!

Yes, yes yes....bad to reward myself with food I know. But motivating!

Soooooo back to being good. Being at my parents house over the holidays was rough. My mom always has such yummy baked goods that it's ridiculous! That and eating out and eating with them....it's just a recipe for disaster!

Weight loss is really all a mental game. It's not a thing of anything other than getting your mind in the right place. There are a few things that need to line up mentally for it to work though. Here are the things that I've learned over the years and I'm thinking about.

1. I need to like myself. Maybe not my weight, but I need to like me.
2. Going hand in hand with liking myself, one needs to feel as if they are worth the effort. It is an effort and there will be slight depravations in the journey. If one feels worthless, then those depravations are not going to happen.
3. You need to believe in what you can do it. If you don't believe in yourself, you have set yourself up for failure
4. And most importantly.....dream. Think about your end goal...dream about it. Those dreams will help carry you through the daily grind of this journey

Priorities

Above and beyond having to deal with all the food and parties during the holiday season we have to struggle with priorities. Life gets really busy and we start to run and take care of everything in preparation for the holidays. My own personal needs get pushed to the sidelines. I don't have time to write in my blog as much. I don't have time to journal my food religiously. I don't have time for me. And that is a disaster waiting to happen in terms of weight loss. Not pretty at all. So here, 4 days before Christmas I am vowing to take care of myself. I may not be able to exercise every day. I may not be able to do everything. But I'm going to be more cognizant of myself and my needs.

I have vowed that after the holidays I'm hopping hot and heavy on the healthy lifestyle again. That does NOT mean that I will be eating like a freakin' starving pig over the next two weeks. It means that I'm going to be watching what I do and taking care of myself. But after the holidays I'll be hitting the gym and going to my weight watcher meetings religiously. No ifs ands of buts!

No formal exercise this weekend

not looking good, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

But does shoveling for more than 8 hours count?

Just a pretty weekend

IMG_7808, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Still around

shovels, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I'm still around, just enjoying the winter weather! It's been crazy!!!!

Is this divine intervention?

b&w kitchen aid, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I woke up and started a very productive morning. I mixed up some pizza dough and put that to rise and then I started some bagel dough. THe pizza dough was to make a breakfast pizza for this mornings breakfast. The bagel dough was for tomorrow (as the bagel dough has to be shaped into bagels and then sit in the fridge for 12 hours or more). All was going splendidly. I was enjoying the early morning foray in the kitchen. And then, my mixer went kaplooeey. The locking mechanism on the tilt head has gone haywire...so it's still usable, I just can't lock it in the down position...so stiff doughs and foods will not be manageable in this mixer until it's either fixed or replaced. This is a sad sad day for me. I love my kitchen aid mixer. I admit, I would love to have a bigger one...and one of the non tilt head types. (that's what I grew up with in my mom's kitchen....so naturally I would love to have that). But it's been a handy mixer. I cook and bake a fair amount so the mixer has been used pretty heavily. So I"m pretty bummed out.

One of my first thoughts though......is this divine intervention? Without my mixer I'll be more limited (haa haa haa...I'm sure I"ll find a way around it until I can get a new one....I can always borrow my mom's old sunbeam...it's what I used until I got my Kitchen Aid) in my baking. And do I really need to be baking all of that fattening stuff?

No, my kitchen aid breaking is not divine intervention...but it was my first thought. tee hee hee

You may laugh at the divine intervention but there have literally been times that I've actually prayed for help to eat proper amounts and healthy stuff. One time in particular I made a pizza. I was determined to only eat 2 pieces instead of 4 (half of the pizza). I had been praying for strength to eat proper portions and to not just eat to eat...simply because it tasted soooo good. Some meals were easy...but pizza is a nemesis. I love pizza and honestly have a hard time stopping at 2 slices. Well that night I ate my two pieces and I found myself in the kitchen putting two more pieces on my plate. I started to carry it out of the kitchen and I really don't know what happened but I bummed into something and the pizza ended up face down on the floor. THat night I only ate 2 pieces. Divine intervention. Kinda a crazy way to answer my prayers...but it worked. ANd I was satisfied, I didn't go hungry that night. Nor did I get anything else. I knew immediately that my prayers had been answered that night, on a dinner where I usually have no or little control.

Nope, I haven't fallen off the bandwagon. This week was just crazy. I on the other hand am holding steady if not slowly dropping on the scales. NOthing to be too excited about, but I'm tickled to be holding steady!!!! This week should be much more quiet, so I'm hoping to see some progress onthe scales.

Meanwhile, the Christmas rush is here. I went grocery shopping yesterday and popped into one or two stores that were nearby. It was total madness in the mall area! CRAZY. I'm so happy that my shopping is done. I"m just sitting back and enjoying the season.

I'm making a big batch of taco soup today. I'll be eating that all week, and freezing some of it. It's super yummy and actually quite healthy (as it's really only vegetable/bean soup....but with the kick of jalapenos and taco seasonings). Exercise for the last week. I actually did exercise a few days. And there were a few days where I was on the go all day. On my feet and walking. Not exactly exercise...but activity!

The Meal

Italian Almond Bars, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Italian Almond Bars.....quite tasty and actually somewhat healthy!

Antipasto, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Antipasto Salad

We had a weekend of eating and socializing with friends. Part of the fun of the food experience was the planning. My friend, "V" and I talked about the food for weeks before hand. We planned, we plotted. My mouth would salivate with the thoughts of the food that we would be having. Soooo, the weekend finally arrived and the food fest began. We had a multicoursed meal. In preparing the food that I contributed, I tried to keep it as healthy as possible. I also worked to keep the portions that I prepared and the portions that I chose while we ate the meal under control. For me, it was a meal made in heaven. I got to nibble on lots of great foods and I was able to thoroughly enjoy the high of those first delectible bites over and over again with the many courses.

Soo how is my weight? Well, I stepped on the scales with some great trepidation this morning. My eyes about bugged out of my head. My weight was down almost 2 pounds from the last time that I weighed myself. Holy Hannah!

I did make it to the gym this morning and I really pushed myself!

I just don't have the words

I'm not seeing much movement on the scales, but I'm ok with that. I'm pretty much staying the same. I made it to the gym this morning...so that makes two days of exercise. So that's a good thing.

I don't have much to say right now. I've got some thoughts flying through my head....but I just can't (don't feel like it) sharing them right now. I need to think about them before I put them down in words.

Last night at my weight watcher meeting they shared a story that really struck a chord with me. The story goes:
A person drove through toll booths in and around San Francisco all the time and never paid attention the the person in the booth. She had contact with the attendents more than once a day...but never anything more than the absolute minimum necessary to conduct the business. Until one day when she pulled up to the booth. There was music coming from the booth and the attendent was dancing. She started to ask the attendent about the dancing but a car behind her started to beep its horn so she pulled out. She made a vow to find that attendent again and find out what was different. It took her months, but she finally pulled up to a booth and heard the music and sure enough the attendent was dancing away. She asked the person what was happening and the attendent answered by saying, "look at my co-workers, they are all in glass coffins" The lady looked down the line of toll booths and the people inside them silently taking money without even a smile on their face. The attendent continued. They come to work alive...get in their coffin and spend 8 hours dead and then it's like Lazarus back to life when they leave their coffin. The attendent went on to say, "me, I want to be a dancer and the state is paying me to practice. they have given me a great window office that overlooks the water, and the bay bridge and the city. What is not to like about this job." This just really made me think......life is really what I make of it.


Sooooo my weigh in.....1.6 down!

Nearing the end of my weight loss week

Ok, so I haven't written as much the last few days. It's not because I've forgoten my plan and fallen off the wagon. I've been actually totally on target with what I need to do to lose. I had two goals for my week. And my week runs Tuesday to Tuesday in regards to my weight loss...just matching it up to my weight watcher meeting that I attend. So anyway, I had two goals.

1. Get through Thanksgiving Day week (with the meal) and show a loss on the scales.....a BIG loss
2. Exercise 4 times.

Well, lets tackle number two first. Exercise. What's that???? I was not a total sluggard. I cleaned the house and cooked (we had Thanksgiving dinner at my house) so I was on my feet for hours on end. We also worked outside one day on our sheds. So I was relatively active. But did I exercise.....no, I have to say no.

My other goal....the showing a loss....I don't want to get too excited, but it looks possible.

Thanksgiving day.....all of my talk and thoughts about my food addiction paid off. I sat back a few days before the meal (many days actually) and thought about the foods typically at T-day meals. I started to think about which of those foods actually held importance for me. Which foods I would really want and which foods I was eating just because. Because I thought about this....and thought about these foods and my relationship with them, I was able to plan out my eating for the day. And I will say that I stuck with it....and was happy with it!

I feel as if I navigated the holiday with style and grace in regards to my eating. Yes, I did really good. I had my plan and I pretty much stuck with it. I didn't measure everything out...but I feel confident that my measurements were not to far off. My one splurge....I had my pumpkin pie filling (baked of course) with lunch....but when evening came and I realized that i had stayed within my points, I allowed myself to use a few flex points and have a real piece of pie. Ohhh it was fantastic! Well worth watching all day and staying within my daily allotment of points so that I could have that pie!

My exercise has been non-existent this week. Not even once! I've so got to pick back up on the exercise!!!

Plans

Ok, I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. I haven't exactly been tracking what I've eaten. I've kept it somewhat under control for the last week...and basically for the LAST week maintained. However, since I skipped my weight watcher meeting last week...and I would have showed a gain for last week, I had to show that gain last night. Oh well....it's on the books. Now I just need to make sure that I go no higher. Down is the only way that I want the scales to move!

I've laid out my plan for Turkey Day. I've thought long and hard about what I REALLY look forward to in the Thanksgiving day meal. That is what I'm going to eat. If I'm not overly intested in turkey, why eat it? I think stuffing and mashed potatoes (if made correctly...both totally homemade for starters) can stand on their own with no gravy. In fact, the gravy drowns the taste. So why should I add gravy to my plate? So I've planned my eating for tomorrow accordingly. At the meal, I plan on eating what I WANT and not a lot (or even a little) of everything. Now, the turkey doesn't interest me as much for the turkey meal...but as a sandwich...yummy...so guess what dinner will be. A turkey sandwich! I do believe I'll also be working on a big pot of soup also. So it's all good. I've actually already sat down and figured out my points for everything and figured out how to make it all work. So I've got my plan....it it printed up and will be posted on the fridge tomorrow!

I've thought quite a bit over the months and years about food addiction. I've thought quite a bit about my problems with food. What it boils down to is quite simple. I don't want food...or the effects of food to rule me. I don't want to eat mindlessly. I don't want to eat for a 'high'. I want to fully enjoy food for the properties that are so intrinsic to food. I want to put food in it's proper place. Yes, something that gives me sustanance, but I'm realistic to know that it's something that I enjoy. I enjoy sampling something to discern the flavors and spices. To me that is an art. Food is an art. I have a friend that calls her new healthy lifestyle the "art of eating". And that is so true.

There is a very fine line between the art of food and the art of gluttony. But I am quite confident that there is a very clear line. And I'm equally confident that I can get this figured out. The beauty of figuring this out and walking on the art side of food is that when I'm not eating mindlessly or eating for the wrong reasons, the food becomes fresher, more vibrant and just ohhh so much more 'artful'.

Pure and simple will power is all that will help me beat the food addiction because the temptation to continue eating for that high is going to pop up time and time again. Will power is all that will beat it. In the case of the grilled cheese the other night. Will power SHOULD have ruled. After a reasonable amount of time then I should have reevaluated the second grilled cheese. I may still have decided...but I wouldn't be letting the addiction have the first say!

Rapture

Addiction.....got me last night. I made myself a grilled cheese. (3 points...not bad). I ate it and I was feeling just rapturous over the taste of my grilled cheese and the side of icicle pickles that I had. It was just delectible. When I came to, I found myself at the stove grilling up another! Ok, so I didn't really pass out from the intense rush of pleasure from the food. But I did find myself at the stove. I debated with myself. I tried to talk myself out of it. But in the end I did it. I had another. NORMALLY simply eating more of something does NOT cause the good feelings...the orgasmic eating experience to continue. However, last night was one of those rare exceptions. The second one was just as good as the first! Possibly better.

The purpose in my story? None....absolutely none. I was just sharing my slip of sanity.

I've been doing a lot of baking this week. I'm determined to make it through the week without a gain. I'm struggling. Really struggling.

Let me lay out my challenge for this week first. My challenge is to navigate a week full of baking in my kitchen without gaining weight! Yes, I'll be baking this and that all week long in preparation for an open house we are having. I can do it!!!

My other goal for the week......to take the first step to getting back into exercising......so my goal is to exercise 3 times this week!

I've been feeling blah the last few days.....so I'm trying to remember that being blah is not an excuse to eat. And that eating will not make one not feel better and thus take away the blahs! HOWEVER, when it seems as if life is spinning madly (out of control or otherwise). I CAN control my eating. I can take control of that one portion of my life. And the feeling of empowerment is all encompassing!

"You must reach a point where you're angry at your old self, your old life, your addictions. You have to hate the way you were, and when this hatred and anger consumers you, then you'll have the determination not to go back there."


John Grisham, The Associate

The Ruler

Oh boy, it's going to be a long day. The internet at work is doing something funky. Not sure if it's been blocked or if it's ...well just being funky. Sooo a long day with no email...and very limited internet. Joy joy.

Other than my splurge on Wednesday I've done pretty good with my eating this week. I've kept things under control. The most important thing....I haven't mindless eaten and all is moving along. I haven't let the stress of everyday life get to me. I've laid out my plan for eating and I've stuck to it every day.

Ruled by food....or ruling over food. I admit that I've been ruled by food in the past. Food was the most important thing. I lived for the food. Even while I was eating one meal, my mind had already spun forward and I was thinking about the next meal. I shovelled in the food so fast that I could barely taste the food before the next food was shoved into my mouth. I could not enjoy any of the experience, the talking, the atmosphere of where you are eating or anything because it was an all consuming fire to get the most food into my mouth! That is no true existence. Ruling over food..now that it where it's at. Sniffing the fabulous aromas. Savoring the delicious flavors. Enjoying the complex textures. And using my meal on Wednesday as an example. I think I ruled over the food instead of allowing the food to rule me. I ruled. I wasn't thinking ahead to the next food event. I wasn't thinking about anything but the food that I was eating (and the conversation with my husband of course...that goes without saying). I enjoyed the myriad of flavors. I sat back and enjoyed. No, I can't eat like that every day, because the food was rich in calories. But the essence of it. Eating purely for the enjoyment of the food is really where I want to be. I want to rule over food...and not allow food to rule me! Because if I am the ruler then I can control what I eat.

November 11, 2009

November 11, 2009, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yes, I splurged yesterday. I looked forward to Buca di Beppo and it lived up to my expectations (does it ever not). I haven't had time to actually look into my points to see how 'bad' it was. But one day is not enough to derail me....as long as it's only one day. Todd and I talked about the fact that when you don't splurge and don't eat like that often that it is so much more special and memorable. And yes, it is.

So does food make one happy? I was looking at the a blog entry today and saw this post that touched on the concept of food making us happy. And while my gut reaction was that 'no, it doesn't'. When I started to think about our meal yesterday, I have to revise that and say, yeah sometimes it does.

When I'm looking for a quick fix food....filling a void emotionally, I eat the food and while I'm eating the food I feel on top of the world. However, almost immediately upon finishing the good feeling ends and I'm back where I started before I ate. Actually worse because after eating, I've now got the added guilt of eating something I shouldn't have. So in that case eating does not make me happy.

HOWEVER, I knew that yesterday we were going to be going to Buca di Beppo. Wait, let me digress and give some background. In years past, Todd and I have eaten out way too much. But in recent years we have pared back drastically and in just the last month or two we cut back even further. For two reasons...financially it makes more sense to eat at home and it's easier to control the quality and portions at home. In comparison....back in 2006 (give or take) we would eat out and average of 5 times a week. We have pared it back to once a week now....and are trying to do once every other week. SOooo fast forward back to the present. We had not eaten out since Todd's birthday weekend......which was two weeks ago. We knew we were going to go to Buca. I tried to eat healthily for the days leading up to yesterday. I also planned a nice healthy dinner for last night (taco soup) So we went. Yes, I splurged a bit. Did it make me happy? Yes! Did it make me feel guilty? No! Was it a fleeting happiness? NO! I was sitting here at work thinking about our meal yesterday and it feels me with a warmth to remember the shared meal that had with my husband. I can remember the flavors of the food. The texture. The conversation. All of it...and it feels me with a happy warmth. So yes, that meal did really bring me a longer lasting happiness.

So what is the difference? What I see....the difference is that I wasn't eating emotionally...trying to fill a void. Trying to occupy my mind. I planned for it. And most significantly, by not eating out all the dang time the event became special.

Habits, Traditions and just the way it is

I'm off work today as is Todd. We've talked a few times about our plans for the day. Nothing is set in stone. But as I lay in bed this morning just relishing in the laze of not worrying about getting up for work I started to to think about the conversations that we've had. 1. We could drive down toward DC and visit Bucca di Beppo...and from there mosey around. 2. We could go toward Frederick and go to Brewers Alley and from there mosey around. 3. We would stay relatively close to home and eat at Rocco's or maybe I could take Todd to Barefoot Bernies. In case you didn't know. Bucca di Beppo....restaurant. Brewers Alley.....restaurant. Roccos.....restaurant. Barefoot Bernies....restaurant. We are making our plans based around the food choices that each area provides. Is this a healthy lifestyle mentality? No, the focus of our day should not be food. Yet somehow it is. I know that I'm addicted to food. I enjoy the experience of eating. The taste of eating. The texture of food. The smells. The sounds. I enjoy it all! But it shouldn't be the focus of my day! I don't want it to be the focus of my day. I don't want to be ruled by food. Yet I find myself constantly ruled by food.

How can I make the leap from being ruled by food to being the ruler of food. In essence using food simply for what it does for me....sustains life. And that is the crux of my problem...I would have to say goodbye to my friend. My constant friend. I would have to say goodbye to that friend that has helped me study in college....high school and middle school too Heck, I can remember rewarding myself with food in grade school. Working on my spelling words, each word I got right I would take a bite of food...or a drink of hot chocolate. I didn't have a weight problem in grade school, but I can look back and see the ground work being laid for my addiction. This friend that I have to say good by with....wouldn't be there to help me celebrate the good times. And this friend wouldn't be there to console me when times get bad. Food has been my true friend. Yes, I am eating emotionally....in every emotion, ever nuance of my life.

Do I want to give up this friend? This addiction? Yes, yes yes...I don't want to be addicted to food. But am I really willing to give up my friend? Honestly...no. Is it healthy to hang onto this? I'm not sure.

So my question is, how can I separate the two. The addiction from the friend. And yes, learning how to limit my time spent with this friend. Not bringing food to the forefront of each and every day.....not elevating this friend/food to the most important spot in my life. That's not healthy. I still want the friend.....I just want the friend put into it's rightful place in my life.

Reporting in

Lock hardware, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I showed a loss of 6/10ths of a pound. I'm frustrated because it does come on so much faster...and takes sooo much work to get off. But progress in the right direction is being made, no matter how slowly! Plugging along.

Todd and I talked about going to the gym today. And we were set to go..but instead we decided to hit up the canal and do a nice long walk on a nice fall day. Soooo I got a nice long walk in instead. The bad part? I twisted my food and now my foot hurts to high heavens. I keep hoping that I'll be able to walk it off...but it's getting worse. JOY JOY!

Food wise, I'm doing good thus far today. I've got my plans laid out and all should be well!

Well....here we are Monday again. I should show a maintain or thereabouts at my meeting tonight. If I can hang onto a maintain or even a slight loss I will be utterly tickled. I did so good through the first part of the week....and then Friday I had a day a bit high on carbs, but it was ok because I worked outside for a few hours and STILL exercised when I came in. Saturday...blew my points by one or two.....once again too many carbs. And then Sunday rolled around. Bread bread bread bread bread. Whew. 40 points consumed...and for you non-weight watcher people...I only get 27 at this point. YIKES! Back at it today!

I had a nice weekend. Friday worked outside. Saturday went into town and did some christmas shopping. (The kids are just about done...WOO HOOO) And Sunday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, no...I made three meals and I did the final mowing of the season....but nothing else.

This morning...started early.....at the gym!

Confession

I was tickled last night to have my husband at home. True, he was home because a client cancelled...but he's been away every evening...and that gets old! Sooo I threw away my plan for eating....and I made spaghetti (marinara sauce for me.....clam sauce for him). He requested a bread....which I made. I whipped up a ceasar salad also. I had a decent amount of points....but the bread threw me over the edge, points wise. Points wise I'm not to worried. I'd only used 1 flex point thus far in the week....and I've utilized none of my activity points. I'm more worried about the carb overload. But I'm sure I'll be fine.

The alarm was set early this morning so that I could get some activity/exercise in. But well....best laid plans don't always work. I do however get off work at 2. The new plan is to go home....change and IMMEDIATELY (before logging onto the computer...or picking up a book or doing ANYTHING) exercise. THEN I can log onto the computer, work on dinner, and all that fun stuff!!!

breakfast casserole

breakfast casserole, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy 4 points breakfast....5 if you include the toast. :-) Simple yet delicious breakfast casserole.

I once again pulled at the dance pad and did DDR for 40 minutes this morning. While it may be low intensity, by the time the 40 minutes is nearing and end, my legs are starting to feel heavy and I notice myself not jumping as easily....so it's doing something. :-)

I haven't weighed myself since my official weigh in day. I know that I'm on track, things are going good with my eating and I am chosing to not be stressed about the numbers on the scale. I will probably take a peak Saturday or Sunday. But then again, maybe not. :-) No matter, I feel very satisfied with my efforts at this point. I have added in some more movement and I've been keeping my eating under control...including my carb intake. Yes, carbs...mainly breads and pastas are my downfall! I did splurge and eat another piece of Snickers Pie last night but it only put me 1 point over my food budget so I'm ok with that, especially since I haven't eaten any of my flex points OR my activity points. I've got some ideas for desserts for this upcoming weekend. So we'll see. I think planning my food for the day and budgeting in (allowing for) a treat each evening be it the snickers pie, the milky way pie, the banana split thingy or simply a frut bar (anything low cal/low points) is really helping. I stay on track because I know that if I do I will have a reward. Sooo should I be rewarding my efforts with food? Probably not. Does it work???? Unequivicably!

The headache that I've been suffering with since Saturday night is still present. It's getting old. I think some of it is brought on by the sheer boredom at my job. Because it seems to get worse when I am getting ready to go to work and at work. Oh no...I'm turning into a mental case!

Exercise for cats

Exercise for cats, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Exercise for cats......and for cat owners also. I did have to remove Lil' Mertz from the dance pad. She calmly accepted her removal and laid down at the edge of the dance pad and watched me step my way into better health. Todd suggested pulling out an extra dance pad for her to lay on. I thought that was going a bit far.

Results of my official weigh in last night. I lost 3 pounds! I am tickled about 3 pounds. Plumb tickled. However there is part of me that is still so disgusted wtih the weight gain that the loss of 3 pounds seem insignificant. Very mixed emotions.

Todd and I usually do our main meal together in the evening. But today we did a big breakfast together. (we had waffles). I'm a bit nervous because that means I have to navigate the rest of the day on my own....and he will not be at home tonight. And for me, eating at home by myself is bad. It's so much more difficult for me to eat on my own....I can be somewhat of a closet eater. I quickly laid out a plan this morning for my eating...so I can stick to that. However, my plan doesn't include many veggies. It's heavy on fruit though. So I may adjust my plan a bit to include some veggies. We'll have to see.

Leaf, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Hit up the canal for a nice crisp fall morning walk!!!!

Snickers Pie, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yummy yummy snickers pie. It is a definite winner, and rather low points per slice!!!!

I was laying in bed and started to think about what the added weight really means to me. And I realized that the extra weight adds a metaphoric weight to my life. I feel weighted down. I came to the conclusion that this extra weight totally changes how I feel about myself and in changing that, also changes how I live my life. I'm not as open as free. I realized that with my extra weight I started to retreat to the safe old MaryFran personality. It is crazy when I think about it...because I am the same person...but the weight really does affect everything!

Accomplished another day of healthy eating yesterday!!!! I go to my meeting tonight. It may not be a huge loss...but I'm confident that I will so some sort of loss!!!!

I've had a couple good days of eating. As each day passes and I keep it under control, I feel stronger and more capable of restarting this journey. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

The last two days I thought were going to be a major challenge as I was home alone for most of that time. I am a bit of a closet eater. If no-one is here to see me eat it, then it doesn't count...right? Ha. So with Todd working 11 hours on Saturday and 10 hours on Sunday, I was home alone for a very good long portion of my weekend. I don't rightly know how I did it. All I know is that I was laying in bed last night and I all of sudden realized that 'woah, I wasn't even tempted to eat.'. I planned out my day and it wasn't a thing of 'what can I eat'. It was all planned. there was no thought involved. I ate what I had planned and that was that. I have been planning and making low cal/low points desserts to indulge in each evening. On saturday night it was a Banana Split Pie and on Sunday night it was Snickers Pie. I think knowing that I'll be having a treat at the end of the night (a low points treat..big portions too) helps keep me on track. :-)

Moving along. My head is in the right place right now. So much so that I went to eat a corn bread muffin with my lunch and threw half of it away because it wasn't yummy....(I had popped it into the microwave to warm it...and let it in there too long). So progress.


Food yesterday for the MF'ster

Breakfast:
cheerios with a splash of fat free milk
Lunch:
taco soup
corn bread muffin
applesauce
Dinner:
buttered noodles
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
applesauce

Snack:
Banana Split Pie (very low fat/cal/points)

I think I did pretty good at the potluck yesterday. I didn't go hog wild. Yet I did indulge a bit. And my indulgence? I SPLIT a cheese danish with my manager! SPLIT!!! That has been a foreign concept with me lately. Taking the taco soup was a brilliant move. It gave me something really filling to eat!

Meanwhile, last night as I was watching tv some thoughts went through my head. And all of a sudden I realized that losing weight was more important than eating what I want, when I want it. I have a couple reasons why this came to me...and why it became ultra important to me.....nope...not sharing. But they are there and these reasons will push me I'm sure.

Nothing profound today...just a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track.

Still plodding along. I struggled yesterday. I had to bake something for my co-workers and I will admit that I struggled with the temptation of having the dough/batter in front of me. I did however get the goodies out of the house today...even though I technically didn't need them until tomorrow. That said, the pot luck tomorrow....i've planned on bringing taco soup so taht I have something to eat...and the grand plan is to stay away from the highly caloric goodies. those things that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop. Yup, those.

Meanwhile, lots of stuff going through my head.....maybe I'll get it down in writing one day soon.

One last thought on failure.....how fitting that there was a segment on failure last night on The Biggest Loser. Enough said.

I do believe that I'm going to sit back and not weigh every day for a bit. I stepped onto the scales this morning and low and behold I was up. WHAT??? I've been religious about my food intake. I added exercise yesterday. There is no reason. I'm working to not let it get me stressed.....and for that reason, I'm going to attempt to only weigh once a week. Sometimes the stress of not knowing gets to me...but I think right now it would be better to not be seeing any negatives on the scales for a while.


Planning on going to the gym this afternoon....we'll see!

Failure

Failure. I feel like a failure because I've regained some of my weight. I've skirted the issue before, but I'm coming out bold with it right now. I totally feel like a 100% failure. In recognizing and verbalizing this fact, I can then admit that I'm soooo afraid of failing again! Weight loss is sooooo non-personal. EVERYONE can see how you are doing. Everyone can see you shovelling food into your mouth and everyone can see the results of a bigger body. There is no way that you can hide it. So to fail with your weight loss goals is to do so very publicly. And that scares me. I've already failed once........I'm afraid to fail again.

That said, I'm still going forward. I'm going to take the risk.

To never try, is to fail.

report in from mini vacation

I never thought that i would be here. Here as in weighing in higher and higher each week it seems. I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a 4 pound gain. Now, let me rehash. I weighed myself the last time on Thursday...the beginning of my little mini vacation. I was showing a maintain from my last official weigh in. So I went into my little mini 4 days off optimistic. I was going to do it. On Thursday I went to lunch with a friend. I chose a really healthy salad for lunch. I enjoyed it greatly! That evening we went to a viewing for Todd's uncle and stopped for dinner on the way home. I was HUNGRY. By the time we got to the restaurant it was 8PM. I ordered based on my hunger and didn't think about making the best option for my health. I got broccoli chicken alfredo with a salad from the salad bar (and I threw on some pasta from the salad bar I have to admit.) The alfredo was the start of the downward spiral. Friday came, my husbands birthday. I started the day by making my healthier version of caramel pecan sticky buns. Only 3 points for one bun. Not bad. Wait, hold the horses....3 points for one bun, that's not bad. BUT, the recipe makes 8.....there were only two of us. And heck, it was his birthday....so I ate half a recipe......4 of the buns...12 points! We did half way light for lunch. I made Todd the Smoked Salmon wraps and I made us both chicken ravioli soup. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my soup. Admittedly, I had two servings of soup. Soooo very good. For dinner. Lasagna, salad, german chocolate cake. Lunch on Saturday was at Applebees. We got the two for $20 Our appetizer was the spinach artichoke dip. Ohhh it was HEAVEN! Cheesy...the chips were hot and soooo good. I had a salad....and....the three cheese penne with chicken. ARRGGGHHH They have weight watcher menu items. I could have done SOOOO good. But NOOOOOOO! Ok, it was really yummy. Dinner, I broke my beef ban and we had pizza burgers with macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, with our movie.....mudslides, which I ate least made with low fat/fat free ice cream. Sunday wasn't much better. Breakfast was and english muffin (I had the same thing for breakfast on Saturday). Lunch was delayed so we snacked on cinamon cookies (i had 3...or was it 4) and a bag each of pretzels for us. (individual sized bags). Lunch.....mexican restaraunt. Chips and salsa (not, thin chips!) with the most delectible sweet sauce. (I would give my eyeteeth to know how to make taht sweet dipping sauce) I ordered the vegetarian combo of a burrito, enchilada and a quesadilla. Dinner....grilled cheese and leftover chicken ravioli soup. Dessert? Ohhh do I have to fess up to that too???? The shoofly pie that we've had in the freezer for the last umpteen months! Whew....confession over.

Soooo, looking at it...I actually maintained pretty decently through the stress days of the broken studio equipment and the deaths and all that. But when it was all worked out and we had some time to sit back, relax and let loose after our stress I cut loose and whew. Look out. So I managed the stress time....but I just lost it when things got back to normal and the stress was alleviated! I can't win for trying!

So, I'm back at work today. I really really really struggled with getting here to work. I did not want to come. Enough that in the middle of the night I woke up and this coat of depression came over me when I remembered that I had to work. The only thing....while I'm dreading going to a meeting tonight and fessing up to my weight gain (accountability really works), I'm looking foward to getting back on track with eating. As much as I enjoyed the food, I know that my body feels better with a healthier diet. I feel better. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. But I continue to do it!

Lesson learned!

The prodigal lifestyle changer is back!

Salmon Wrap, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't forgotten my journey to lose weight and be healthy. I've just been sidetracked in the last weeks. We had two uncles pass away in two unrelated incidents. THe one was a car accident that put an aunt in the hospital. We had some equipment malfunction in the studio and well, some time off from work to just relax and unwind. Ohh and the time off...we celebrated a birthday and well, the eating got out of hand. I know what I need to do though and I'm actually looking foward to doing it!!!!! As much as I have enjoyed the food that I've eaten, I'm willing to give it up to feel better!!! Overeating and eating super rich foods is appealing, but after a few days...woah, it's too much. Yup, never thought I would say something like there.

Chicken Ravioli Soup

Chicken Ravioli Soup, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, I put some food pics on my blog today. These were actually the somewhat healthy things that I made at home during this stretch of decadent eating!!!!

Had my food plan posted on the fridge yesterday and when I came home,even though I was home alone, which is usually a liscence for me to eat wildly and totally out of control I looked at that food plan posted there and I stuck with it. To a tee. So last night I figured out my eating plan for today. PRinted it out and it is posted on the fridge. I'm sticking with it today also!!!!

Today is the last day of work before a long weekend for me!! Wooo hooo. Can't wait to have a few days off! Yeah, I don't actually do much at my job...but being bored really gets......boring. haa ha ahaa. No seriously, being bored and doing nothing really gets old! What's planned for the weekend? Not sure, the weather will be holding us back somewhat. We had originally wanted to hike up in Catoctin on day. We also talked about hiking Maryland Heights. But the weather is to be really crappy half of the time. BOO HOOOO

deep thoughts

I was driving down to Rockville yesterday for an emergency trip to MicroCenter for the studio (we won't even talk about the hellish week we've had with the studio computers!) and I got to thinking about weight loss and where I am. I was thinking about it becasue of course yesterday morning on my home scales I showed a gain of 1 pound and because of this emergency trip that took me from 4pm (when I got off) until I got home at about 7:45, I missed my weight watchers meeting. Soooo that probably sparked some thought in my head. I started to think about how I was when I was actually losing weight. My thoughts, my habits, my actions. And I realized that I was hard core. I could place going out to eat at one restaurant and getting a grilled chicken sandwich...and not eating the bread. Now I'm a carb lover, so doing something like that is totally hardcore for me! Once I had dredged that memory, I started to ask myself a question, "Do I want this badly enough to go hard core????"

Do I? I'll be honest, the thought of giving up those foods I love really makes me sad. But on the flip side, being overweight really makes me sad also. More sad than giving up the food. So, I'm going to press on. Work on managing so that I don't have to totally give up the foods I love and monitoring my intake of those foods.

They say that death comes in threes. So even though I'm not supersticious, I'm not feeling tooo peachy right now. Yes, two weeks ago to the day my husbands uncle passed away. We are STILL waiting for the body to be released and to hear something from the medical examiners office. Sooooo this morning I was given news that my husbands great uncle was driving home from church and for some reason, swerved off the road, flipping his car. He was killed. His wife is in stable condition, but with multiple broken bones, including a pelvis and at the age of 81, it's not good. I'm tired of my emotions being on a roller coaster.

This last week I actually ate withing my points and I felt that I did reasonably good. I didn't overeat, however I will admit to having eaten more carbs then I probably should have. But still, I managed portions and I ate correctly. SOOOOOO my weight this morning.....up a pound. What's up with that????? I'm disgusted with the result...but I'm actually ok with my week. I don't feel like my week was a waste. I feel good about the week that I had eating wise. I didn't succumb to emotional eating and just gorge myself on food. That is a huge first step.

Hello, my name is Maryfran and I am addicted to food. I like the texture of food. I like the taste of food. I like the initial and immediate rush of pleasure that I receive when I taste something delectible. I like it so much that I continue to eat more of that same item in an attempt to recreate that burst of pleasure. That burst of pleasure can soothe all worries, it can ease all emotional pain and it can elevate and heighten a positive mood. However it is fleeting. Intrisically I know that. Yet I continue to find myself in this pattern of initial pleasure and then a spiral downward in a quest to hold onto the short lived feeling. But once that initial rush has been received it's over. It is not possible to eat more of that food to get that feeling back. Yet over and over again I try.

I'm not downplaying any other addiction, because I would NEVER want to have to deal with the addiction to alcohol or any of the various drugs out there. But I can't help but feel that in terms of beating an addiction that food has to top the list. Why? Becuase if you are an alcoholic, for the most part you can remove yourself from temptation. The same with drugs. (generally speaking for those two addictions). But how in the world do you remove yourself from food. I need food to sustain my life. I am constantly forced to confront this addiction. It's a matter of survival...I need to eat to live. Yet how ironic that my habits of eating (the addiction that I suffer with)were causing me to die. I can't get away from eating. I need to do it. Which means that every day I will have to confront my personal demon of food addiction. It just doesn't seem fair.

I haven't fallen off the wagon. In fact, I've actually gotten my head screwed on straight....I think. I'd been toying around with rejoining weight watchers. The accountability AND the fact that I'm spending money for that accountability is a very very good motivator. Sooo last week I went ahead and signed back up for the monthly pass (it was pay for the first month, get the second month free) and I went to a meeting yesterday. I am optimistic. Mainly because there is no way that I want to PAY money to gain weight. So I have to do my part!!!

Kept things under control...for the most part last night with my eating. Nothing to earth shattering.

Stats for October7, 2009

Exercise-zilch

water- 60 ounce

food:
2 pancakes
3 slices turkey bacon
grapes
rice pudding
corn
mandarine oranges
string cheese
grilled cheese
tomato soup
popcorn
100 cal pack

Can my week get any worse? I'm afraid what today, Wednesday will bring. I just want calm and peace!

I was able to keep my eating somewhat under control last night. My Pasta Bean Stew was very flavorful last night. :-) I did have a few spare points so I had some popcorn while watching the biggest loser.

Soooo my revelations from the show. I loved what Julio said about how he felt that he was good at food. I've had a few situations in my life (teaching) that have left me feeling like a failure. I can totally understand where he was coming from. In fact in some ways he was speaking about me.

I also reread the sign on the gym wall about failure...the only failure is not even trying. Is that what I'm doing now? Not really trying. Is not giving it my 100% not trying? Probably. And that made my mind flash back to a show a few years ago when some contestants gave up and didn't even finish a physical challenge. Bob was dumbfounded and kept saying things like, "why did you even begin if you didn't intend to finish?" And last night it clicked. I started this journey. To give up is just plain stupid and THAT is what would make me a failure. Gaining weight did not make me a failure. I wouldn't be considered a failure if I NEVER make my weight goal. I'm only a failure if I don't try! If I don't keep pushing onward in an attempt.

Stats for October 6, 2009

water- 50 ounces

exercise-zilch

food:
toast
green beans
corn
mandarin oranges
rice puding
pretzels
grapes
pasta & Bean stew
biscuit
1/2 cup fat free frozen ice cream
popcorn

chocolate

chocolate, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

GIMMEE!!! Will chocolate make the world a better place for me????? Probably not. Especially after I learned my lesson about using food as an 'upper' last night. But I will admit that I did have a 1/2 cup ice cream cup and I did add the chocolate from the bottle that you see in the picture (no, not the whole bottle). And I consider that a REAL coup! I'm wanting more food....comfort!!!

As if yesterday wasn't bad enough....today...on top of the issues from yesterday that are still there today, we got the call from that my husband's uncle was found dead in in his apartment. This is the last living relative from my husbands immediate family....he's lost everyone in the last 3 years. So just one more thing to add to the mix of emotions broiling around in this house.



I will not eat over my points....I will not eat over my points. I will control my eating. That is the only thing I can have complete control over. I will control my eating...that is the only thing that I can conquer! Cookies bad.....fruit good!

Eating doesn't make things better

Giving in and eating didn't make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. It added to my blah icky emotional mood by making me disgusted with myself for caving and eating. What did I eat? Cookies. I had put the leftovers in the freezer.....and I remembered them and didn't just pull out one...I pulled out 4...popped them in the microwave and gobbled them up.

I do have to say, the other weekend when I was so determined to not let my emotions rule my eating. And I was determined to control my eating.....to control ONE part of my life. I controlled it and it really did give me a sense of empowerment. Even if it was only over that one small part of my life. Last night I caved....I had no control. I will admit.....I felt great for about 5 minutes (if that). That 5 minutes was coincidentally the 5 (if that) minutes that I was eating the cookies. But after that, my emotions just came back....and in a bigger way because I was then upset about eating.

Sooo my weight this morning 213.8. ARRGGHHHH

Stats for October 5, 2009

2 low fat homemade pecan sticky buns
corn
sauerkraut
grapes
applesauce
pineapple
Spinach Stuffed Shells
2 slices garlic toast
4 (or maybe 5) cinnamon cookies

I'm sitting here in a REALLY emotional state. I was just wasting time on my computer and I found myself running through options of food in the kitchen. Options of food that I could go make or get that would fill this void within me. I thought about the 1/2 cup servings of ice cream and I knocked that out of the running. Why? Certainly not because ice cream isn't yummy and woudln't fill that void. It was soley knocked out of the running because 1/2 cup wasn't enough. I knew in my head that the small 1/2 cup serving size would just be too small. It would not satisfy my emotional needs right now. No, I needed a big bowl....no, I needed the whole carton of ice cream! For a split second I thought about the 2 half gallons of ice cream that are out in the storage freezers. The ones that I haven't divied up into the 1/2 cup containers yet. Luckily sanity overtook me before I went out and dived into one of them head first. I thought about popcorn. Popcorn.....soaked in butter....laden down with cheese. Ohhh ohhh, somehow popcorn took a wrong turn into the realm of unhealthy. PRETZELS!!! I could have some pretzels. Ohh yeah, and I could melt some chocolate and have chocolate covered pretzels! Oh, that's not healthy either is it. And that's when I realized that I was looking to self medicate with food. So I turned here...to my blog to put it down for posterities sake. I'm hoping that I can resist the urge for those ultimate comfort (and lots of it) foods. I am going to do my best to indulge in a HEALTHY (healthier?) snack tonight if I feel I really must. But I want to put it down here so if I do cave...I can look back and learn! (hopefully having it written out will curb the desire...so far no luck...but I'm ever hopeful)

Monday morning....restart

Welcome Monday morning and the beginning of the work week. I'm ready to get back to the routine. It seems as if I ran constantly all weekend. Just lots going on....lots completed, lots of running. Ohh yeah, and in case you just didn't see it coming...lots of eating! Saturday wasn't all that bad when I look at in in reflection. Friday was on the cusp of being bad. Not entirely bad....but just not good! Yesterday...Sunday. WHEW. It wasn't that it was all that bad. I just was missing some veggies and fruits. And well...I just ate more than I should have. SOoOOOO I'm looking forward to getting back to the routine of eating healthy....drinking my water. Just getting back to what my body actually NEEDS and not what it wants.

Why was yesterday all screwed up. We worked and did a few yard thinsg in the morning. We had lunch. I planned a big lunch as I knew we would be working and may not get to dinner until closer to 8PM. Why? We were running sound at Evensong Farm all afternoon and early evening. Julie (owner of Evensong) had soup for us for a mid afternoon snack. And when we got home at 8 or so....I was just plain hungry. (lugging around sound equipment works up an appetite!)



This morning I started off by making caramel sticky buns. Ha! Found a recipe where I can have one for 4 points. And it was GOOD! I've got my fruit and veggies for lunch...and I've got a low points dinner planned. SO we'll see how it goes!

Stats for Sunday October 4, 2009

I'm actually not proud to write this...

toast-
pizza burger (using turkey...and on an arnolds sandwich thin bun thingy)
Mixed veggies
applesauce
cup of split pea soup
dinner roll
individual bag of pretzels
tacos
rice
ice cream (2 scoops...two large scoops)

BLEGHHHH

Don't have too much to say right now. I'm not happy with my weight. I'm not happy at all. I'm hoping that it's the monthly water retention coupled with no water drinking yesterday....but I'm 2 pounds up! And I'm worried because I'm going to a potluck dinner tonight for a meeting that I'm attending. Ohhh ohhh!

Stats for October 2, 2009

No formal exercise

Water: less than 20 ounces

food:
homemade egg sandwich
applesauce
two slices pizza
1 serving wheat pretzels
1/4 cup baked beans
1/4 cup potato salad
Burning Bridge Sub (Gandolfo's)
Cinnamon cookies....3 Yeah, I shouldn't have had these

So yes, you can see where I didn't drink. I was sorely lacking in fruits and veggies. And itw as a bit (just slightly...haa haa haa) carb laden!

Have your cake and eat it too!

Yesterday I was at work and they brought in gingerbread men cookie. They looked sooo good. So I looked at my eating for the day and adjusted one or two little things for the evening and indulged in a cookie. My points were just fine for the day so I wasn't worried. AND this morning my weight was lower yet! Wooo hoooo!!

Stats for Octover 1

Gym-50 minutes cardio

Food-
toast
corn
carrots
mandarin oranges
gr beans
jello pudding cup
grapes
toast
pizza casserole
applesauce
gingerbread cookie
ww candy

Yesterday I was talking to a gal at work about her efforts to lose weight. She talked about how she makes Fridays her free day. And it made me start to think about how I used to do free days. I didn't worry about what I ate those days. I still tracked though and low and behold I started to realize that my splurges, while still splurges were actually not that bad. Most importantly, I had really good success with it. I started weight watchers and I took away the free day. However, I would have a free meal after my weigh in. I ate the comfort foods that night. I didn't worry about it. And I had really good success. Somewhere along the way my splurge days and or meals disappeared. So I decided to restart it. I'm basically not going to set a day to have a splurge...I'm just going to say taht it has to be at least a week since my last splurge. Sooo, my last real splurge was for heritage days...on Sept. 19th....so that was a week and a half! So last night for dinner when we went to Durangos, I didn't go hog wild, but I did allow myself to enjoy the hot, thin salty chips with salsa! And we split an appetizer (papusas) and I enjoyed my chicken meal. I came home and I journalled it. And I've moved on. This morning, weighed myself and I was at 211.6. I'll take it. And now I can't have another splurge until at the EARLIEST next wednesday!

Yesterday I got home from work at noon and made lunch. We had Zucchini and Corn casserole. I know a few weeks ago I said that the garden was done. I meant that I was done with the canning. We have been pulling out some fresh things here and there. Yesterday may have been the last of the zucchini (time will tell). So we had that for lunch....VERY low cal/points! While I was making the zucchini dish, I took the time and threw together a casserole for dinner tonight. Pizza Casserole is on the menu for tonight. Yup, it's a casserole week. But it's perfect for nights like tonight when I get home at 6:10 and Todd has to leave at 6:45. This way we can still have a nice dinner!

After making and eating lunch, we headed up to town. I got a nice cardio workout in AND a great strength training workout in! I also mowed at my parents house for a while until Todd took over. We did a few other things in town and then went to dinner. We went to Durangos...a Spanish restaurant in downtown Hagerstown. I ordered Pollo Asado. (chicken, steamed veggies, fried onions, and a bit of rice). Todd and I split a papusa and we did ok UNTIL I remember that we also ate not one...but TWO baskets of chips and dip. Todd ordered off the tex-mex menu last night and as he ordered something beef, I wasn't tempted. (thank goodness for small miracles).

I didn't feel sick after my eating, I did however feel bloated!

Stats for September 30, 2009

toast
zucchini and corn casserole
pears
weight watcher candy
polla asado
chips and salsa
papusa
All fruit frozen bar

Gym visit.....30 minutes cardio 30 minutes weights AND 20 minutes mowing.

Goals

Good morning! Today is my half day at work, thus I am here bright and early. BUT, I get off at noon! WOOOOO Hoooo! The afternoon is jammed packed with things to do. A gym visit is first and foremost on the plans. Among other things we have to mow at mom and dad's house, take care of their cat while they are away, pick up pain meds for Ethel, attend travelogue tonight, and of course go to dinner. I am determined to keep my eating under control. Before we leave I'll be making lunch....a zucchini casserole that we like...VERY low point! Yes, I know that I declared the garden done...but I picked about 10 pounds of green peppers yesterday, Todd dug up a huge slew of carrots, and I picked a few more zucchini. It's never ending!

My weight is flucuating this week between 211.6 and 212.6. It's frustrating because today is a 212.6 day. I'm just holding on...knowing that the weight will drop. I know that there are extenuating circumstances that are causing my weight to stay up even in the face of my proper eating. (water retention...I had some high sodium foods yesterday added to the oncoming monthly ick. AND I have started working out. That sometimes causes a little spike of weight...so I'm just determined to wait out the weight!

Today is a strength training day at the gym. I have decided that I'm going to do strength training 2-3 times a week. (yeah, I'm famous for making these edicts.....but I really do want to do it). As I lose this weight again, I want to be toned. I read somewhere that the flabby skin is best hidden by putting muscles where the fat used to be. Soooo I'm going to try it. As I lose this last 30 pounds I'm going to work on toning up also!

Speaking of the last 30. Todd doesn't read my blog (at least that I know of...lol). I don't care if he does...but I just don't think he does. So I don't think he is aware of my thoughts about turning 180 into my final goal. Well yesterday we were running a few errends and as we pulled into the parking lot at Best Buy we were talking about our one doctor that is HUGE and about a year ago told me that at my age that he thought I should be between 160 and 180 (basically going against the BMI recommended weight). He said that even the low end of 160 may be a push for me. The Doctor's exact words were 'it's not impossible, but you would have to be in professional athletic shape." Soooo Todd and I were talking about that and Tood told me that he really thinks that 180 was the perfect weight for me. He went on to site reasons why...but he cemented in the 180 as my goal. We were talking and Todd was like, make it your goal to be 180 and work on toning up (woah...that's what I've been doing.....is he a mind reader??) and see what happens at that point...but he is in agreement with my parents that my face was looking very gaunt when i was making forays into the 170's. Soooooo there you have it.....my goal...approved and recommended by my doctor and my husband.

Stats for September 29, 2009

Gym visit...all cardio

Food:
egg/cheese sandwich (homemade)
sauerkraut
green beans
carrots
pudding cup
2 fat free turkey hot dogs
2 hot dog buns
baked beans
banana split pie...ok ok ok...two servings. BUT, that would count for two servings of fruit! And I put in extra fruit in my banana split pie...double the banana...double the strawberries and I added pineapple!

I was so planned out with my eating yesterday. I knew that dinner was a bit higher, but I accounted for that the rest of the day and I was set. Well, I got home from work and Todd was just getting home from some errends. He was carrying a bag from the ice cream shop. Uggghhhh??? I was like, "we have banana split pie for dessert". He calmly answered...'No we don't...I ate some for lunch, there is still a bit in there". So he stopped at the ice cream shop and picked us up frozen yogurt. (fat free at least). Ok, that wasn't all that bad, I just looked up the numbers...maybe only 1 or 2 points more than the banana split pie. BUT, I fell into the "this yogurt/banana split pie switch has already blown my day" mentaility....so I had two helpings of the baked ziti. I guess it COULD be worse. I did work out in the morning. I worked out on Sunday...and I'm heading to the gym this morning also. Oh yeah, I ate 1/2 of the last piece of banana split pie too.....so there is 2 extra points also!!!! ARRGGHHH

I just put my food for today in my journal and all is well. And as for the banana split pie.....I made another one last night (added a layer of crushed pineapple...we'll see how that is when we have it for dinner tonight.....Todd will probably test it at lunch...haa haa haa)

Sooooo here is the stats for Monday Sept. 28, 2009
35 minutes cardio at the gym
30 minutes strength training at the gym

toast
green beans
chicken broccoli bake
banana
grapes
strawberries
baked ziti --1 1/2 servings (booo hooo...but it tasted really really good)
garlic toast
1/2 piece of banana split pie
fat free frozen yogurt

Monday morning already??????

The weeekend was rather uneventful. BUT, the most important thing that happened? I kept my eating under control!! I stayed within my food allowance and I actually ate well....not totally carb laden or anything like that.

Last night Todd and I settled down to play some Halo (we got the new one on Saturday). I popped some popcorn for our enjoyment. I was eating it and it hit me. I had the points for it. It was not over my allowance or anything like that. And I started to thinking about all the food I ate. I ate dessert for heavens sake...a healthy dessert, but dessert none-the-less. But the difference....I ate lots of fruits and veggies (naturally low in calories/points) By eating and making better choices, I was able to have the special thing (popcorn). And then I started to think...I've actually had popcorn 3 nights this past week.....and I didnt' go over my points any of those days either! By eating healthy, I actually eat more food. It's crazy!

Sooooooooo...the only other thing that happened this weekend. I made it to the gym on Sunday, I've already been there this morning also! Yesterday I did 45 minutes of straight up, sweat pouring off my body cardio. This morning I did 35 minutes of that perspiration inducing cardio and 30 minutes of strength training! Yup, I'm going to focus on doing the right thing and get strength training in a few times a week. We'll see how that goes!

September 27, 2009 Check in
toast
grilled cheese
carrots
sauerkraut
strawberries
piece of ww candy (double chocolate nuggat)
cheddar broccoli chicken bake
green beans
brown rice
banana split pie
popcorn

Empowerment

I'm in a much better place emotionally. Yeah, the bad stuff still gets to me....but I'm trying to focus on the good stuff. I would say that one of the big things that has helped me...is being able to focus on the control that I've had with my eating the last few days. As my funk increased, I became more determined to beat the funk and not give into the 'happy eating' that usually occurs. I'm happy to say that I actually have been doing well. Yesterday I made a lower fat/calorie version of a 'happy food' but that's the name of the game. When I sit down and think about it, when I have control over my eating, I really and truely do feel so empowered and strong...and that carried over and helped me feel empowered in every day life. Kinda neat.

Feeling empowered and strong just from beating a few days of my food addiction issues is really a good feeling. Addiction transfer???? I would be HAPPY to trade my food addiction to being addicted to being in control!!!

I've also beeen looking through and getting ready to try a whole slew of new recipes...and to me, that is sooo fun!!!

I've also decided that I am not going to worry about small goals on my way down (the 200 mark, every 10 pounds...or whatever). I am setting up my one final goal that I never reached. I had originally said 150 and we were going on a vacation of my choice....I was torn between a cruise, a trip to the bahamas...some all inclusive resort, or Disney world. SOOOOO I know that at 180 I was happy with my weight....people were commenting and telling me that my face was actually too gaunt. So I'm aiming for 180 as my final goal at this point. So when I get to 180....we are taking that trip. To add an incentive........my 20 year high school reunion should be next year....and what a pity (haa haa haa) it is in FL...so if I can combine that with my trip to Disney (I haven't been there since we moved from FL right about the time of my graduation from high school...and Todd's never been there). My employers also put a hold on raises this year....they were actually upset about this and in appreciation to our understanding and acceptance (what else could we do...at least we have jobs...lol) they have given us a week extra of vacation time to use by the end of next year. Hmmmm...so I also have an extra week of vacation time...PERFECT!!! A valid reason. Extra vacation time to use. AND a goal to reach!!! So I have a goal. As of yesterday morning 31 pounds by next summer. That's REALLY doable. My realistic (should be realitively easy) goal is to be under 200 by Christmas (11 pounds) ...my "I'd be over the moon" goal would be 190 by Christmas (21 pounds in 3 months...still quite doable).

My plan is to make it to the gym today!!!! I've got to get serious about the exercise. Exercise will help me make that goal!!!

The one other thing that I did that I think has helped to lift my spirits...even though I have dreaded doing it because it means I'm admitting that temporary failure of gaining weight...is that I broke down and went to Sears. When we bought our freezer earlier this summer we opted for the free delivery. You pay it up front, and then get it back in the mail. I opted for the gift card, knowing that I can always find a pair of tennis shoes or SOMETHING there. Well, earlier this week I got it in the mail $82.50. I knew immediately what I was going to do. Buy clothes that fit me. I hated to do it because I was giving in and admitting that I gained weight and that my clothes no longer fit. I was looking at it as being a failure....I'm buying clothes in the next size up! And not only was I feeling like a failure, but I was wasting my money on this failure by having to buy new clothes But I've been miserable for weeks upon end as I shove myself into the same few articles of clothing that still fit (most quite tightly) day in and day out. So when this gift card came...it was almost like 'free money' (yeah, I know that in reality I paid for it....) and it freed me to spend the money. Sears had some REALLY good deals. I bought 2 pairs of work/dress pants in neutral colors (I found a pair a few weeks ago for 3 bucks so I have one pair of dress pants that I've been wearing numerous times each week) and 11 tops for my 82.50! I shopped carefully and tried to buy stuff that fit me perfectly (nothing loose to 'allow' myself to gain even more weight) and also things that I can wear even after I lose weight. I bought a shells and camisole type shirts to go under my button down shirts that I can't wear right now (gained weight...the buttons are gaping across my chest area on my button down shirts)....so I can play with them and get more use out of them.

So all that said....Food for September 26, 2009

Baked Sugar n' Spice Doughnuts
Salad
Vegetable soup
garlic bread
roasted potatoes
carrots
peas
sauerkraut
strawberries
Fruit bar-strawberry

I didn't weigh myself the last two days, but I've been determined to not turn to my 'happy foods' to make myself feel better. It's been rough, but I've managed to stay away from the 'happy foods'. AND....I've been rewarded, the scales went down another pound!!! WOO HOOO!!!

Yes, that is my new term....happy foods. We all have our happy foods. For me it's baked goods and carbs. Pasta pasta pasta! Comfort foods...but I prefer to call them happy foods. Becuase they will make me happy (fleetingly of course...but happy) and if I'm already in a good mood...well then happy foods are a prefect accompaniment! Happy foods! But I've managed my happy food consumption these last few days. And while my mood has been one that I feel as if the world is crumbling down around me......I feel really good because I have been 100% in control of my eating!

Food for Friday September 25, 2009 (and might I add that they ordered in pizza for us at lunch at work).

toast
mandarin oranges
corn
green beans
kiwi
string cheese
Homemade Helper (sooo very tasty)
applesauce
lowfat/ff ice cream (yup, exactly 1/2 cup...I premeasure my ice cream as soon as I bring it home)
popcorn

Blah

Not gonna write today as I'm in a grand funk. I don't have it in me. However I vowed that my food would be posted on line....so......

Food for September 24, 2009

2 eggs
potatoes
toast
turkey bacon
Mandarin oranges
pudding cup
kiwi
string cheese
smart ones pizza
popcorn
toast

Food for thought!

Wow..posts in one day...but I was reading some other blogs and low and behold I hit upon this one....and wowzers, did it really hit me square in the forhead. This simple one line "If you want to change, you can’t just be in love with the end result, you have to fall in love with the process too." Striks a huge chord. I was/am totally in love with the end result...with me at 180 (a year ago)...that I've lost focus on the current process and in reality the current me. Please please please read this post!!!! I promise it will be worth your time!!!

Just another early morning with nothing on my agenda. Well, I could clean the house....but my cats hate hate hate the vacuum cleaner and considering I have one cat that had emergency surgery earlier this week and one cat that is still sequestered in the library and not really walking much (and when she does walk it's obvious that she's in pain)...uhhhhhh nope, I'm not running that vacuum.

I stayed within my points allowance yesterday, however I ate a whole bunch of carbs! Oh well, we'll see. I vow to do better today! Actually, I think I may run to weigh myself as I didn't do it first thing this morning! Whew....down another 6/10ths of a pound! Even with all those carbs...hopefully it doesn't come back to bite me tomorrow!

I'm in a bit of a funk here now. Yesterday for sure and it's carried into today. Probably worry over my kitty cats! So anyway...I'll bid adiu for now.

Food from September 23, 2009

pancakes (2....4 or 5 inch in diameter)
mandarin oranges
kiwi
pudding cup
apple
PB&J
pasta salad (one serving)
corn
Fat free ice cream

Thoughts

Struggling struggling struggling....how differently can I say it? I guess most of my problem is just my self disgust that I feel over my weight gain. I know that I'm not alone. I have friends online, in person, friends that I made when I attended weight watchers that are in the same boat. They have gained and the self disgust is tearing us up. I hate myself for letting this happen. I hate the fact that my clothes no longer fit. I'm still trying to hold out and not buy clothes because I so desperately want to lose the weight. So I'm miserable in my tight clothes...clothes that actually do not fit me any longer. And it just hit me while I was typing that this self disgust is actually part of my problems right now. This animosity that I hold toward myself is holding me back in my efforts to lose weight. Somehow, I need to acccept the fact that I'm human and that i've gained weight and I need to move on. The clothes thing...well, with the economy being so iffy, I still don't want to spend the money on clothes....but maybe I will have to buy just a few more things (i've bought just a few already) to make life bearable. I could actually still wear most of my button down shirts....if I left them open as a 'jacket' and used bought some camisols for underneath. Or even partially open in some cases. hmmmmm Pants, I bought one pair which I wear twice a week. If I buy one more pair again in a neutral color, I may be able to pull it off. (friday and saturday is khaki day...and I actually still have some that fit). So there is a possibility.

Sooooo something that I'm going to institute is that I am going to begin to post, online for the world to see my food for the day and my exercise. I think this is a grand idea because if I know that others are going to be looking, I may think twice. SOOO if my food intake starts disappearing off of my posts, please call me out on it! And for those of you who preach protein...yeah, I know...I need more of it on most days)

I'll start with yesterday Septembre 22, 2009.....and it's not a very pretty first start....which is why I'm doing it.

Toast
Green Giant individual corn
Green beans
Jello pudding cup
Wasa cracker
mandarin oranges
grapes
Southwestern Chicken ...this is actually a pretty healthy dish....but I had two servings.
cornbread
pears
betty crocker mini bowl thingy-the 100 cal things
1/2 cup reduced fat peanut butter ice cream (yes, measured out)

stress!

sept-1-2008 (1 of 365), originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Well, are you ready for the Stotler family drama of the day???? I'll go in chronological order.

I stopped at the post office to pick up the mail on the way to work. There were statements from our bank (the one we use most regularly, not the accounts from where I work). So when I got to work I decided to go ahead and balance my checkbooks. All was looking good.....UNTIL I noticed a deposit was not there. However a check that I wrote for cash two days later was posted. I pulled out my receipts and no problem...the receipt is in my book (thank heavens...I'm usually really good about keeping receipts, but every once in a while one gets put somewhere else). I called the bank...they see no record what-so-ever of my money. They are 'investigating' it right now....they should get back to me today. Uhhhhhhh I'm not happy about this at all. I called them more than 3 hours ago.....I read all of the information off the receipt...so they have the exact time date, teller info...everything from the transaction. I'm going to call back in another hour or so and raise stink. This is ridiculous. I have a stinkin' receipt! Give me my money and figure out what messed up convoluted error you made on your own after MY money is back in my account! So that is drama one...I'm currently on hold awaiting their call.

Secondly. Todd had cancellation this morning (THANK GOODNESS) and went home to pick up something. He noticed Desi, laying on the bed licking himself profusely. Everywhere he licked, he left a strip of blood. Yes, you read that right. I asked if it was his poor little scabs...did one break open and was he bleeding. Todd was like, "NO, it's coming from his mouth!" Called the vet and they said bring him right up. Todd headed up to town (20 minute drive of course). By the time he got there, he said the blood was gushing from the cats mouth. (the towel that was in the cat carrier was covered wit blood when he brought it home). They rushed Deebs right in and quickly acertained that he has a huge gash (hole) in his mouth. They rushed Desi into emergency surgery to put repair this issue. The good news.....Todd had that cancellation and had forgotten a piece of paper and went home to get it at 10:30 instead of at 1PM when he was planning on going back for lunch and to pick up that paper. The vet said that at the rate that he was bleeding, that he would have bleed to death within an hour or two. So we miraculously found him sooner because of a cancellation with the studio. Thus, I'm waiting for a call from the vet also!

The vet told todd that he could have gotten into a fight with another cat. I asked Todd, "did you check the other cats when you noticed Desi" He was like, no, I just scooped up desi and ran. So I left work and rushed home to check on the other babies. None had a leg dangling or an eye missing. Ethel however seems to be walking very gently...favoring her back end. SOOOO my co-worker and I came up with this scenario. Desi attacked Ethel.....Ethel fought back. When Ethel fights she uses her back legs and roto-tills on him. Her claw got him in the mouth, and somehow in the fray (probably with him panicked with a wound in his mouth...possibly she panicked with her claw stuck in the flesh of his mouth) she twisted and has caused her back end to be sensitive. Oh the drama never ends at our house.

And all this worry makes me want to eat eat eat!


The picture on today's post is of my baby that's in surgery today. Desi!

Heritage days!

I have no clue what I weigh today. Nor will I know. Yesterday was absolutely crazy!!!! It was the day of the Sharpsburg Heritage Days! Todd and I were up at 5AM. I threw some bread in the toaster and had breakfast bright and early. We were in town by 6AM and I was unloading all of our sound gear and lights from our vehicle. I helped set up stuff until 7:45 when it was time for me to walk across the parking lot into the bank. I worked until noon and then I went outside. As I somehow ended up with the title of photagrapher for the event, I was busy taking pictures (I was able to leave my job and run outside to get a few things in the morning also). I went to grab lunch an hour or so later and the place that was selling Chicken was sold out!!! YIKES! That left me with steamers or hot dogs from a local church....or crab cakes. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh I don't do beef and I DEFINITELY don't do crabcakes! I ended up finding a country ham sandwich and an apple dumpling for lunch. Dinner rolled around. Todd was fine (he had gotten his chicken early...and for dinner he had a crabcake). For dinner...the ham sandwiches were gone.....and quite honestly most of the food venders were totally gone or sold out. Uhhhhhh....what do do ....what to do. Well, I did the only thing a food addict WOULD do. I went to the ice cream shop and had a nice big dish of ice cream! YES! I ate three scoops! Heath, Strawberry and Chocolate for you foodies out there that are salivating! Ok, before I go on....I did stick with fat free yogurt and didn't go straight up ice cream!!! The music finally ended at 10...we loaded up our gear and came home. So I had a grilled cheese, 100 cal pack of chocolate covered pretzels and a jelly pudding cup (60 cal) at about midnight. Sooo my eating was a bit out of the ordinary. Ohh yeah,and add to the fact that I didn't drink nearly enough. (there was no way.....I didn't go to the bathroom ALL day...so I KNOW I dehydrated myself!)

My saving grace? From 5AM until pretty much 11:30PM I was on my feet and moving! Who knows how it will shake out. But I am not going to let one day derail me!

Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying

About a week or two ago Todd and I watched one of my all time favorite movies....the Shawshenk Redemption. And of course having that movie in my head emphasized my choice that I'm making right now. That choice? To live.

It's been no secret. I've gained weight over the last year. I'm not happy with myself over this, but that's a whole other ball game....er post. I was only half way committed to the weight loss journey and therefore I lost control and gained. Finally it hit me. I have two choices. I can get busy living or be busy dying. Literally. I can chose healthy foods, healthy activities and lose the weight and live. Or I can continue eating poorly, ignore exercise and die. I can live or I can die. How can this be that I'm chosing life or death?

Lets go with death first. The larger I get the more miserable I feel. Aches and pains that I had long forgotten. I don't have the energy that I had at a lower weight. In essence my quality of life has diminished because of added weight. I know that to gain more would continue to lower that level. I'm not saying that I can't be a happy fat girl...I just know that it's more difficult for every day things. My arthritic knees bother me more. Back pains. Stomach aches (they were constant). You name it. But even beyond the diminished quality of life is the fact that the added weight could very well eventually kill me. There are quite a few weight related illnesses out there. One of them would surely eventually catch up to me and get me. So yes, death very well could be closer on the horizon with a heavier weight.

Soooo not lets talk about life. Well, there's not much to talk about except to say that my energy levels are outstandingly higher with each pound of extra weight that is gone from my body. My arthritis doesn't bother me nearly as much. Stomach pains.....rare. My bloodwork came back so much better at a lower weight...showing me that my risks for some of these illnesses was greatly reduced. I was able to lead a much more productive life and I knew that that life was better protected because of the lifestyle I was leading. Losingi and maintaining a weight loss is to chose life.

Soooo I have a choice every time I look in the refridgerator. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. I have a choice every time I am waffling back and forth between going to the gym or skipping it. I can get busy living or I can get busy dying. The choice is that simple!