I think I did pretty good at the potluck yesterday. I didn't go hog wild. Yet I did indulge a bit. And my indulgence? I SPLIT a cheese danish with my manager! SPLIT!!! That has been a foreign concept with me lately. Taking the taco soup was a brilliant move. It gave me something really filling to eat!

Meanwhile, last night as I was watching tv some thoughts went through my head. And all of a sudden I realized that losing weight was more important than eating what I want, when I want it. I have a couple reasons why this came to me...and why it became ultra important to me.....nope...not sharing. But they are there and these reasons will push me I'm sure.

Nothing profound today...just a reaffirmation that I'm on the right track.

Still plodding along. I struggled yesterday. I had to bake something for my co-workers and I will admit that I struggled with the temptation of having the dough/batter in front of me. I did however get the goodies out of the house today...even though I technically didn't need them until tomorrow. That said, the pot luck tomorrow....i've planned on bringing taco soup so taht I have something to eat...and the grand plan is to stay away from the highly caloric goodies. those things that if I start eating, I won't be able to stop. Yup, those.

Meanwhile, lots of stuff going through my head.....maybe I'll get it down in writing one day soon.

One last thought on failure.....how fitting that there was a segment on failure last night on The Biggest Loser. Enough said.

I do believe that I'm going to sit back and not weigh every day for a bit. I stepped onto the scales this morning and low and behold I was up. WHAT??? I've been religious about my food intake. I added exercise yesterday. There is no reason. I'm working to not let it get me stressed.....and for that reason, I'm going to attempt to only weigh once a week. Sometimes the stress of not knowing gets to me...but I think right now it would be better to not be seeing any negatives on the scales for a while.


Planning on going to the gym this afternoon....we'll see!

Failure

Failure. I feel like a failure because I've regained some of my weight. I've skirted the issue before, but I'm coming out bold with it right now. I totally feel like a 100% failure. In recognizing and verbalizing this fact, I can then admit that I'm soooo afraid of failing again! Weight loss is sooooo non-personal. EVERYONE can see how you are doing. Everyone can see you shovelling food into your mouth and everyone can see the results of a bigger body. There is no way that you can hide it. So to fail with your weight loss goals is to do so very publicly. And that scares me. I've already failed once........I'm afraid to fail again.

That said, I'm still going forward. I'm going to take the risk.

To never try, is to fail.

report in from mini vacation

I never thought that i would be here. Here as in weighing in higher and higher each week it seems. I stepped on the scales this morning and saw a 4 pound gain. Now, let me rehash. I weighed myself the last time on Thursday...the beginning of my little mini vacation. I was showing a maintain from my last official weigh in. So I went into my little mini 4 days off optimistic. I was going to do it. On Thursday I went to lunch with a friend. I chose a really healthy salad for lunch. I enjoyed it greatly! That evening we went to a viewing for Todd's uncle and stopped for dinner on the way home. I was HUNGRY. By the time we got to the restaurant it was 8PM. I ordered based on my hunger and didn't think about making the best option for my health. I got broccoli chicken alfredo with a salad from the salad bar (and I threw on some pasta from the salad bar I have to admit.) The alfredo was the start of the downward spiral. Friday came, my husbands birthday. I started the day by making my healthier version of caramel pecan sticky buns. Only 3 points for one bun. Not bad. Wait, hold the horses....3 points for one bun, that's not bad. BUT, the recipe makes 8.....there were only two of us. And heck, it was his birthday....so I ate half a recipe......4 of the buns...12 points! We did half way light for lunch. I made Todd the Smoked Salmon wraps and I made us both chicken ravioli soup. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with my soup. Admittedly, I had two servings of soup. Soooo very good. For dinner. Lasagna, salad, german chocolate cake. Lunch on Saturday was at Applebees. We got the two for $20 Our appetizer was the spinach artichoke dip. Ohhh it was HEAVEN! Cheesy...the chips were hot and soooo good. I had a salad....and....the three cheese penne with chicken. ARRGGGHHH They have weight watcher menu items. I could have done SOOOO good. But NOOOOOOO! Ok, it was really yummy. Dinner, I broke my beef ban and we had pizza burgers with macaroni and cheese. Oh yeah, with our movie.....mudslides, which I ate least made with low fat/fat free ice cream. Sunday wasn't much better. Breakfast was and english muffin (I had the same thing for breakfast on Saturday). Lunch was delayed so we snacked on cinamon cookies (i had 3...or was it 4) and a bag each of pretzels for us. (individual sized bags). Lunch.....mexican restaraunt. Chips and salsa (not, thin chips!) with the most delectible sweet sauce. (I would give my eyeteeth to know how to make taht sweet dipping sauce) I ordered the vegetarian combo of a burrito, enchilada and a quesadilla. Dinner....grilled cheese and leftover chicken ravioli soup. Dessert? Ohhh do I have to fess up to that too???? The shoofly pie that we've had in the freezer for the last umpteen months! Whew....confession over.

Soooo, looking at it...I actually maintained pretty decently through the stress days of the broken studio equipment and the deaths and all that. But when it was all worked out and we had some time to sit back, relax and let loose after our stress I cut loose and whew. Look out. So I managed the stress time....but I just lost it when things got back to normal and the stress was alleviated! I can't win for trying!

So, I'm back at work today. I really really really struggled with getting here to work. I did not want to come. Enough that in the middle of the night I woke up and this coat of depression came over me when I remembered that I had to work. The only thing....while I'm dreading going to a meeting tonight and fessing up to my weight gain (accountability really works), I'm looking foward to getting back on track with eating. As much as I enjoyed the food, I know that my body feels better with a healthier diet. I feel better. I don't like feeling bloated and icky. But I continue to do it!

Lesson learned!

The prodigal lifestyle changer is back!

Salmon Wrap, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

I haven't forgotten my journey to lose weight and be healthy. I've just been sidetracked in the last weeks. We had two uncles pass away in two unrelated incidents. THe one was a car accident that put an aunt in the hospital. We had some equipment malfunction in the studio and well, some time off from work to just relax and unwind. Ohh and the time off...we celebrated a birthday and well, the eating got out of hand. I know what I need to do though and I'm actually looking foward to doing it!!!!! As much as I have enjoyed the food that I've eaten, I'm willing to give it up to feel better!!! Overeating and eating super rich foods is appealing, but after a few days...woah, it's too much. Yup, never thought I would say something like there.

Chicken Ravioli Soup

Chicken Ravioli Soup, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

So, I put some food pics on my blog today. These were actually the somewhat healthy things that I made at home during this stretch of decadent eating!!!!

Had my food plan posted on the fridge yesterday and when I came home,even though I was home alone, which is usually a liscence for me to eat wildly and totally out of control I looked at that food plan posted there and I stuck with it. To a tee. So last night I figured out my eating plan for today. PRinted it out and it is posted on the fridge. I'm sticking with it today also!!!!

Today is the last day of work before a long weekend for me!! Wooo hooo. Can't wait to have a few days off! Yeah, I don't actually do much at my job...but being bored really gets......boring. haa ha ahaa. No seriously, being bored and doing nothing really gets old! What's planned for the weekend? Not sure, the weather will be holding us back somewhat. We had originally wanted to hike up in Catoctin on day. We also talked about hiking Maryland Heights. But the weather is to be really crappy half of the time. BOO HOOOO

deep thoughts

I was driving down to Rockville yesterday for an emergency trip to MicroCenter for the studio (we won't even talk about the hellish week we've had with the studio computers!) and I got to thinking about weight loss and where I am. I was thinking about it becasue of course yesterday morning on my home scales I showed a gain of 1 pound and because of this emergency trip that took me from 4pm (when I got off) until I got home at about 7:45, I missed my weight watchers meeting. Soooo that probably sparked some thought in my head. I started to think about how I was when I was actually losing weight. My thoughts, my habits, my actions. And I realized that I was hard core. I could place going out to eat at one restaurant and getting a grilled chicken sandwich...and not eating the bread. Now I'm a carb lover, so doing something like that is totally hardcore for me! Once I had dredged that memory, I started to ask myself a question, "Do I want this badly enough to go hard core????"

Do I? I'll be honest, the thought of giving up those foods I love really makes me sad. But on the flip side, being overweight really makes me sad also. More sad than giving up the food. So, I'm going to press on. Work on managing so that I don't have to totally give up the foods I love and monitoring my intake of those foods.

They say that death comes in threes. So even though I'm not supersticious, I'm not feeling tooo peachy right now. Yes, two weeks ago to the day my husbands uncle passed away. We are STILL waiting for the body to be released and to hear something from the medical examiners office. Sooooo this morning I was given news that my husbands great uncle was driving home from church and for some reason, swerved off the road, flipping his car. He was killed. His wife is in stable condition, but with multiple broken bones, including a pelvis and at the age of 81, it's not good. I'm tired of my emotions being on a roller coaster.

This last week I actually ate withing my points and I felt that I did reasonably good. I didn't overeat, however I will admit to having eaten more carbs then I probably should have. But still, I managed portions and I ate correctly. SOOOOOO my weight this morning.....up a pound. What's up with that????? I'm disgusted with the result...but I'm actually ok with my week. I don't feel like my week was a waste. I feel good about the week that I had eating wise. I didn't succumb to emotional eating and just gorge myself on food. That is a huge first step.

Hello, my name is Maryfran and I am addicted to food. I like the texture of food. I like the taste of food. I like the initial and immediate rush of pleasure that I receive when I taste something delectible. I like it so much that I continue to eat more of that same item in an attempt to recreate that burst of pleasure. That burst of pleasure can soothe all worries, it can ease all emotional pain and it can elevate and heighten a positive mood. However it is fleeting. Intrisically I know that. Yet I continue to find myself in this pattern of initial pleasure and then a spiral downward in a quest to hold onto the short lived feeling. But once that initial rush has been received it's over. It is not possible to eat more of that food to get that feeling back. Yet over and over again I try.

I'm not downplaying any other addiction, because I would NEVER want to have to deal with the addiction to alcohol or any of the various drugs out there. But I can't help but feel that in terms of beating an addiction that food has to top the list. Why? Becuase if you are an alcoholic, for the most part you can remove yourself from temptation. The same with drugs. (generally speaking for those two addictions). But how in the world do you remove yourself from food. I need food to sustain my life. I am constantly forced to confront this addiction. It's a matter of survival...I need to eat to live. Yet how ironic that my habits of eating (the addiction that I suffer with)were causing me to die. I can't get away from eating. I need to do it. Which means that every day I will have to confront my personal demon of food addiction. It just doesn't seem fair.

I haven't fallen off the wagon. In fact, I've actually gotten my head screwed on straight....I think. I'd been toying around with rejoining weight watchers. The accountability AND the fact that I'm spending money for that accountability is a very very good motivator. Sooo last week I went ahead and signed back up for the monthly pass (it was pay for the first month, get the second month free) and I went to a meeting yesterday. I am optimistic. Mainly because there is no way that I want to PAY money to gain weight. So I have to do my part!!!

Kept things under control...for the most part last night with my eating. Nothing to earth shattering.

Stats for October7, 2009

Exercise-zilch

water- 60 ounce

food:
2 pancakes
3 slices turkey bacon
grapes
rice pudding
corn
mandarine oranges
string cheese
grilled cheese
tomato soup
popcorn
100 cal pack

Can my week get any worse? I'm afraid what today, Wednesday will bring. I just want calm and peace!

I was able to keep my eating somewhat under control last night. My Pasta Bean Stew was very flavorful last night. :-) I did have a few spare points so I had some popcorn while watching the biggest loser.

Soooo my revelations from the show. I loved what Julio said about how he felt that he was good at food. I've had a few situations in my life (teaching) that have left me feeling like a failure. I can totally understand where he was coming from. In fact in some ways he was speaking about me.

I also reread the sign on the gym wall about failure...the only failure is not even trying. Is that what I'm doing now? Not really trying. Is not giving it my 100% not trying? Probably. And that made my mind flash back to a show a few years ago when some contestants gave up and didn't even finish a physical challenge. Bob was dumbfounded and kept saying things like, "why did you even begin if you didn't intend to finish?" And last night it clicked. I started this journey. To give up is just plain stupid and THAT is what would make me a failure. Gaining weight did not make me a failure. I wouldn't be considered a failure if I NEVER make my weight goal. I'm only a failure if I don't try! If I don't keep pushing onward in an attempt.

Stats for October 6, 2009

water- 50 ounces

exercise-zilch

food:
toast
green beans
corn
mandarin oranges
rice puding
pretzels
grapes
pasta & Bean stew
biscuit
1/2 cup fat free frozen ice cream
popcorn

chocolate

chocolate, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

GIMMEE!!! Will chocolate make the world a better place for me????? Probably not. Especially after I learned my lesson about using food as an 'upper' last night. But I will admit that I did have a 1/2 cup ice cream cup and I did add the chocolate from the bottle that you see in the picture (no, not the whole bottle). And I consider that a REAL coup! I'm wanting more food....comfort!!!

As if yesterday wasn't bad enough....today...on top of the issues from yesterday that are still there today, we got the call from that my husband's uncle was found dead in in his apartment. This is the last living relative from my husbands immediate family....he's lost everyone in the last 3 years. So just one more thing to add to the mix of emotions broiling around in this house.



I will not eat over my points....I will not eat over my points. I will control my eating. That is the only thing I can have complete control over. I will control my eating...that is the only thing that I can conquer! Cookies bad.....fruit good!

Eating doesn't make things better

Giving in and eating didn't make me feel better. In fact, it made me feel worse. It added to my blah icky emotional mood by making me disgusted with myself for caving and eating. What did I eat? Cookies. I had put the leftovers in the freezer.....and I remembered them and didn't just pull out one...I pulled out 4...popped them in the microwave and gobbled them up.

I do have to say, the other weekend when I was so determined to not let my emotions rule my eating. And I was determined to control my eating.....to control ONE part of my life. I controlled it and it really did give me a sense of empowerment. Even if it was only over that one small part of my life. Last night I caved....I had no control. I will admit.....I felt great for about 5 minutes (if that). That 5 minutes was coincidentally the 5 (if that) minutes that I was eating the cookies. But after that, my emotions just came back....and in a bigger way because I was then upset about eating.

Sooo my weight this morning 213.8. ARRGGHHHH

Stats for October 5, 2009

2 low fat homemade pecan sticky buns
corn
sauerkraut
grapes
applesauce
pineapple
Spinach Stuffed Shells
2 slices garlic toast
4 (or maybe 5) cinnamon cookies

I'm sitting here in a REALLY emotional state. I was just wasting time on my computer and I found myself running through options of food in the kitchen. Options of food that I could go make or get that would fill this void within me. I thought about the 1/2 cup servings of ice cream and I knocked that out of the running. Why? Certainly not because ice cream isn't yummy and woudln't fill that void. It was soley knocked out of the running because 1/2 cup wasn't enough. I knew in my head that the small 1/2 cup serving size would just be too small. It would not satisfy my emotional needs right now. No, I needed a big bowl....no, I needed the whole carton of ice cream! For a split second I thought about the 2 half gallons of ice cream that are out in the storage freezers. The ones that I haven't divied up into the 1/2 cup containers yet. Luckily sanity overtook me before I went out and dived into one of them head first. I thought about popcorn. Popcorn.....soaked in butter....laden down with cheese. Ohhh ohhh, somehow popcorn took a wrong turn into the realm of unhealthy. PRETZELS!!! I could have some pretzels. Ohh yeah, and I could melt some chocolate and have chocolate covered pretzels! Oh, that's not healthy either is it. And that's when I realized that I was looking to self medicate with food. So I turned here...to my blog to put it down for posterities sake. I'm hoping that I can resist the urge for those ultimate comfort (and lots of it) foods. I am going to do my best to indulge in a HEALTHY (healthier?) snack tonight if I feel I really must. But I want to put it down here so if I do cave...I can look back and learn! (hopefully having it written out will curb the desire...so far no luck...but I'm ever hopeful)

Monday morning....restart

Welcome Monday morning and the beginning of the work week. I'm ready to get back to the routine. It seems as if I ran constantly all weekend. Just lots going on....lots completed, lots of running. Ohh yeah, and in case you just didn't see it coming...lots of eating! Saturday wasn't all that bad when I look at in in reflection. Friday was on the cusp of being bad. Not entirely bad....but just not good! Yesterday...Sunday. WHEW. It wasn't that it was all that bad. I just was missing some veggies and fruits. And well...I just ate more than I should have. SOoOOOO I'm looking forward to getting back to the routine of eating healthy....drinking my water. Just getting back to what my body actually NEEDS and not what it wants.

Why was yesterday all screwed up. We worked and did a few yard thinsg in the morning. We had lunch. I planned a big lunch as I knew we would be working and may not get to dinner until closer to 8PM. Why? We were running sound at Evensong Farm all afternoon and early evening. Julie (owner of Evensong) had soup for us for a mid afternoon snack. And when we got home at 8 or so....I was just plain hungry. (lugging around sound equipment works up an appetite!)



This morning I started off by making caramel sticky buns. Ha! Found a recipe where I can have one for 4 points. And it was GOOD! I've got my fruit and veggies for lunch...and I've got a low points dinner planned. SO we'll see how it goes!

Stats for Sunday October 4, 2009

I'm actually not proud to write this...

toast-
pizza burger (using turkey...and on an arnolds sandwich thin bun thingy)
Mixed veggies
applesauce
cup of split pea soup
dinner roll
individual bag of pretzels
tacos
rice
ice cream (2 scoops...two large scoops)

BLEGHHHH

Don't have too much to say right now. I'm not happy with my weight. I'm not happy at all. I'm hoping that it's the monthly water retention coupled with no water drinking yesterday....but I'm 2 pounds up! And I'm worried because I'm going to a potluck dinner tonight for a meeting that I'm attending. Ohhh ohhh!

Stats for October 2, 2009

No formal exercise

Water: less than 20 ounces

food:
homemade egg sandwich
applesauce
two slices pizza
1 serving wheat pretzels
1/4 cup baked beans
1/4 cup potato salad
Burning Bridge Sub (Gandolfo's)
Cinnamon cookies....3 Yeah, I shouldn't have had these

So yes, you can see where I didn't drink. I was sorely lacking in fruits and veggies. And itw as a bit (just slightly...haa haa haa) carb laden!

Have your cake and eat it too!

Yesterday I was at work and they brought in gingerbread men cookie. They looked sooo good. So I looked at my eating for the day and adjusted one or two little things for the evening and indulged in a cookie. My points were just fine for the day so I wasn't worried. AND this morning my weight was lower yet! Wooo hoooo!!

Stats for Octover 1

Gym-50 minutes cardio

Food-
toast
corn
carrots
mandarin oranges
gr beans
jello pudding cup
grapes
toast
pizza casserole
applesauce
gingerbread cookie
ww candy

Yesterday I was talking to a gal at work about her efforts to lose weight. She talked about how she makes Fridays her free day. And it made me start to think about how I used to do free days. I didn't worry about what I ate those days. I still tracked though and low and behold I started to realize that my splurges, while still splurges were actually not that bad. Most importantly, I had really good success with it. I started weight watchers and I took away the free day. However, I would have a free meal after my weigh in. I ate the comfort foods that night. I didn't worry about it. And I had really good success. Somewhere along the way my splurge days and or meals disappeared. So I decided to restart it. I'm basically not going to set a day to have a splurge...I'm just going to say taht it has to be at least a week since my last splurge. Sooo, my last real splurge was for heritage days...on Sept. 19th....so that was a week and a half! So last night for dinner when we went to Durangos, I didn't go hog wild, but I did allow myself to enjoy the hot, thin salty chips with salsa! And we split an appetizer (papusas) and I enjoyed my chicken meal. I came home and I journalled it. And I've moved on. This morning, weighed myself and I was at 211.6. I'll take it. And now I can't have another splurge until at the EARLIEST next wednesday!

Yesterday I got home from work at noon and made lunch. We had Zucchini and Corn casserole. I know a few weeks ago I said that the garden was done. I meant that I was done with the canning. We have been pulling out some fresh things here and there. Yesterday may have been the last of the zucchini (time will tell). So we had that for lunch....VERY low cal/points! While I was making the zucchini dish, I took the time and threw together a casserole for dinner tonight. Pizza Casserole is on the menu for tonight. Yup, it's a casserole week. But it's perfect for nights like tonight when I get home at 6:10 and Todd has to leave at 6:45. This way we can still have a nice dinner!

After making and eating lunch, we headed up to town. I got a nice cardio workout in AND a great strength training workout in! I also mowed at my parents house for a while until Todd took over. We did a few other things in town and then went to dinner. We went to Durangos...a Spanish restaurant in downtown Hagerstown. I ordered Pollo Asado. (chicken, steamed veggies, fried onions, and a bit of rice). Todd and I split a papusa and we did ok UNTIL I remember that we also ate not one...but TWO baskets of chips and dip. Todd ordered off the tex-mex menu last night and as he ordered something beef, I wasn't tempted. (thank goodness for small miracles).

I didn't feel sick after my eating, I did however feel bloated!

Stats for September 30, 2009

toast
zucchini and corn casserole
pears
weight watcher candy
polla asado
chips and salsa
papusa
All fruit frozen bar

Gym visit.....30 minutes cardio 30 minutes weights AND 20 minutes mowing.