Got up early this morning and went right to work. I stripped the sheets off the bed, washed them. I went ahead and washed the comforter (it's out on the line). I dried a few things in the dryer and folded and put that stuff away, and I exercised for 70 minutes. Yep, all before I came to work. So i had a productive morning.

Now for the bad part. For breakfast I had the rest of the dessert cups from last night. Uhhh yeah, 3 of them. I did have a banana with them. Does that make it a healthy breakfast? I mean, I had my grain (the flour tortillas were whole wheat), milk (milk in the mousse like filling) and the banana added the fruit!!! Calorie wise, I was still ok after my dessert cup breakfast. But as I was done with exercising, and I was dressed and ready to go, for some reason my hand strayed into the leftover dinner rolls. YIKES! SO there that negates my 70 minutes of exercise. I was honestly planning on riding again tonight for about 60 minutes, so I guess that's a definite now. (I usually ride for the first half of TBL..and then relax for the second half). The whole way to work (all 2.5 miles of it) I was mentally kicking myself in the butt for eating! WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!

Tonight dinner is leftover lasagna. There were two pieces left...so taht's what we are having for dinner....with a nice salad. I have to stay away from the dinner rolls!!!!!

Hail, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Yesterday I was pondering exercise and if I should go outside and ride or if I should 'wimp' out and ride on the exercise bike. After all, it was calling for rain! AND the roads were wet! I mean, come on! But, I started to think and realized that on the day of my bike ride, I may be riding on wet roads. I may be riding in rain. I won't have a say in it. SOOOOO, I put on my new rain jacket, popped my cell phone into a pocket, turned on the ipod and away I went. 18.5 miles later and I was home. It didn't rain or anything on me. All was good. My legs actually felt find also! I probably would have gone further, but I had given a time that I would be home so that my husband and I could run some errands, and that time was drawing nigh.

SOooo....I got brave thinking a little rain couldn't hurt me!!! Whew...was I wrong. You see, shortly after I got back it did start to rain....and then it started to hail! A LOT! Thank heavens I wasn't out on my bike during that hail storm!!!

Yesterday evening I made food for tonight. We are having company (and they will be here at 6:30....and I don't get off of work until shortly after 6~~we close at 6...so how ever long it takes us to close up and balance our drawers). SO I made lasagna and prepared stuff for a salad. I also made tortilla dessert cups. They as so good and actually somewhat not too bad for me. :-) So I sit here now...the house is clean, the table is set and I'll be leaving for work soon!

Remnants of hail storm

Remnants of hail storm, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Goin' Solo

Well, as I wrote yesterday, I went solo. So the question this morning is how in the world did I do flying solo without that crutch?

Well....I got home from work at about 6:15. Todd was not to be home until later, so I was on my own for dinner. No problem. When this occurs I am tickled to have a pb&J or grilled cheese and tomato soup. I opted for the grilled cheese route. Not a problem. I make it as healthy as possible and besides that, I was ok on my food budgeting for the day to allow for that soup and sandwich. I've had a lot on my mind the last few days and yesterday evening it was just all there. I was thinking about 'things' while I made dinner. I went into auto pilot mode. Looking back I do remember wondering why I didn't get enough cheese out of the fridge, but no problem, I just went and got the extra that I needed. I plated my food and sat down to eat. Since I was alone I decided to be ultra impolite (to myself??) or whatever the reason was that my mom always spouted when i tried this......and I opened my book and read while I was eating. Not a problem (shhhh don't tell mom, but I do this a lot when I'm alone). I was finishing up when all of a sudden I realized what i had done. Oh my word.....on auto pilot, I didn't make one sandwich! I made the old MaryFran's portion of sandwiches....and still in auto-pilot (and reading to drown my thoughts) I ATE THEM ALL! They were tasty...I'll say that. (As a side note...and actually rather amusing, I was in doubt about what I did.....so I actually looked in the garbage can to count the cheese wrappers, to find out how much I really did eat.) My stomach has been telling me that I didn't eat correctly yesterday too! But that quick...I took my eyes and thought off of what I was doing and I slipped into the old ways.

Lets talk about the old ways. The old ways are not just a week or two in the past. They are not even a month or two in the past. The old ways are literally YEARS past! I have been living this healthier lifestyle for a couple years! And these old ways are still deeply buried???? YIKES! I've always known that this would be a lifelong quest....but I didn't realize the extent that this stuff is buried.

Sooooo....lesson learned. Although honestly, other than giving myself a mental slap every once in a while while I'm cooking and eating to keep myself focused I don't know how to prevent against something like last night happening. It happened before I even realized it.

Cutting the apron strings

Weight watchers will always have a soft spot in my heart. Weight watchers helped motivate me and get me over a hump in my weight loss journey. But I really do feel that my time at weight watchers is at an end for the time being. Yes, I may go back eventually. (I've always said that the lifetime thing is a godsend because it would help keep constant accountability). However at this time, the meetings are just not doing it for me. Firstly, getting to a meeting is no longer a priority. When I do go to a meeting, I've struggled finding one that fits me schedule and my needs. So i have decided to stop spending $40 a month to not attend any weight watchers meetings. As I said, I will probably go back later......I can't predict the future though. But for right now my official weight watcher days are over. I'm a little sad and a little worried. Paying that monthly fee each month has been a bit of a crutch for me.....always reminding me that "I'm paying good money to lose weight...so LOSE it" But in the long run I have to look at myself and where I am.

I will forever be grateful to the weight watchers program for what it taught me. I learned and shaped my eating. I learned to make healthier options instead of simply eating nutritionally empty foods. I learned to manage and budget my eating. I learned that I can do it. But on that same breath, that crutch that weight watchers was for me I think has also become somewhat of a hindrance. I need to stand up on my on two feet and finish this journey the way I started....on my own.

So, just 5 minutes ago, I logged onto the weight watchers website and cut the financial ties to weight watchers. I am officially on my own again. I'll be honest. I'm scared to death! But I know in my heart that this is the right choice for me.

*****

My weight this morning...UP UP UP and away. I'm hoping a good deal of that is water retention because of the wonderful monthly cycle. I'm also just incredibly thirsty this morning. I'm swallowing the water at a pretty fast rate. (who knows what's up with that). I've already ridden on the exercise bike for about 45 minutes this morning and I hope to ride again this evening. :-) I am however almost at the end of the Australian Biggest Loser...I'll be looking for something else to watch on youtube...anyone have any great ideas????

Confession

Yesterday started out great. I ate my cheerios, checked my email and then Todd and I headed off to the gym. I worked out for about 70 minutes. It was actually a pretty decent workout so I'm good with that. We left the gym and I went to the vehicle emissions testing place and had my emissions test done on my car. (yep, passed.....not that I was expecting anything else). After that we had the big 'where are we going to eat discussion'. We ended up at Golden Corral. (EVERY local place we stopped at was closed for some odd reason). I actually did really good. I had a salad with a small amount of dressing and just a sprinkle of cheese. That was my first plate. The second plate had ALL veggies..and the good thing about the GC is that they steam a lot of their veggies. The third and final plate had fruit and my sole collection of 'bad food'. I had one little spoon (one bite) of mac and cheese, one little bite of potato salad, and one hush puppy. Todd and I split the hush puppy and I didn't eat the potato salad...after looking at it it looked funky.

Before I go on....that was not three FULL plates of food. For example, my second plate of food had a scoop of green beans, two spears of steamed broccoli and a scoop of steamed carrots and maybe one or two 'clumps' (what's the word I want to use?) of steamed cauliflower. And that was the extent of plate two. Plate three had a small scoop of mandarin oranges, about 10 grapes and the aforementioned 'bad food'. The salad plate was...well mostly lettuce..and about 1/4-1/2 of a plate full. So three plates...but little food on each plate. :-)

As we were driving home, we were talking about dinner (yeah, isn't that so sad...just finish lunch and already discussing what we were going to eat for dinner). Todd asked for homemade pizza. I knew that was a bit high in points/calories so I planned on cleaning the house and then hitting the exercise bike to help compensate for some of the extra calories/points. Uhhhhhhh I never made it that far. I did however spend a good deal of time cleaning the house. AND ~~hanging head in shame!~~ I ate half of the pizza. 16 points worth of pizza (at least it was somewhat healthy....fat free cheese and whole wheat crust!!!). And if that wasn't enough....we watched a movie later in the evening and I made popcorn!!! (air-popped....but I did add some low cal spray butter).

Ack! too much food.

"Did you order something?"

"Did you order something?", originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

This box has been laying by my desk for the last few days. The cats have been sniffing around it from day one. But being as it's a small box, no on attempted to get in it....until today. Ahhhhh how can people live without animals...they are always good for a chuckle!

Well, apparently the family member is going under the knife this upcoming Friday to have the gastric bypass surgery. There is nothing that I can do. I was talking to my mom and while she thinks it is a crazy decision that this family member made, my mom was defending this persons choice. Why is she defending it? Because of a 'study' out there that shows that for diabetics they have found that within a few weeks post op that these newly gastric bypassed people are no longer diabetic. (first of all I said, who's doing this study...most likely the same doctors that are getting rich off of performing the surgeries) I started to argue the point that these patients are no longer diabetic because they are no longer eating the foods that cause their blood sugars to skyrocket and plummet! My mom was saying, "no, it's the surgery". I reminded her about the fact that ALL of the diabetics on the biggest loser turn it around and are no longer diabetic short way through the show! And they didn't have surgery. It's diet!!! My mom just doesn't want to hear it...because that pushes the fault of her type II diabetes even more fully onto her shoulders. Breaks my heart.

As expected, my weight popped up a bit this morning. Frustrating, but I know why (TOM) so I'm not worried about it. Eating...still plugging along and trying to be really conscious of points and calories!

Really considering dropping weight watchers. The only thing that is keeping me a member is the fact that if I can just get my weight down a bit more, I'll be back to lifetime status...and that is a good card to have in my pocket! Wimped out yesterday in reference to the outdoor bike ride. I ended up riding inside! :-) Hey, it was cold and windy!

Focus on weight loss. My focus is on weight loss! Yeah, I'm keeping up with other obligations and commitments, but my focus is on my weight and health!

I was emailing a friend this morning and encouraging her to take control of her eating and exercise. I reminded her to think about how good she feels when she is eating right. And all of a sudden I remembered the pride and confidence that I feel when I personally am making wise choices in my eating. Yes, some of the confidence that I experience is tied to the scales or how my clothes are feeling. But there is a huge portion that is directly related to my choices of food when it comes to eating. Being in control of something that rules my life, that rules my decisions is so powerful that words can not describe it. Eating a healthy meal, choosing a healthy meal at a restaurant, making wise decisions about food is the best confidence builder.

I've been actually doing really good. I have a friend that's been telling me that it is very possible that I've been under eating. I had a hard time believing this as I've never under eaten in my entire life! Heck, I've been stubborn about it! (sorry Sherry for doubting you) But this past week when i actually 'accidentally' ate more and started losing....yikes! Could she have been right? Sooo yesterday, I consciously watched every bite I ate. I was determined that I would eat roughly half of my activity points for the day. (I'm also doing a parallel calorie count on fitday.com......and I'm watching my calories burned versus my intake of calories). And I did. I ate over my normal allowance for points and/or calories

So the results.....this morning, even after eating more food than normal yesterday...I dropped again! I'm back in the one hundreds. 199.2 I'm trying to not get excited about being back in onderland. Simply because the ick is around the corner and that usually pops my weight back up a pound or two....so realistically I may backtrack...short term though!

My last thought of the day is a saying that I used to keep as my mantra. It was Think Thin. "think thin" really sums it up. I have to 'think thin' when I'm making my decisions. I have to think about how badly I want to be thin when making my food choices and when I'm deciding how long to exercise. I have to keep those thin goals first and foremost in my head and "Think Thin"

Fluke??

Well, my weight that I was utterly amazed at yesterday wasn't a fluke! Today I was down a bit further even. I'm skirting on the edge of getting back out of those darn pesky 200's! I am seriously going to have to get serious (haa ha aha....what a crazy sentence...seriously...serious) about logging my calories. I was exercising like a maddog and eating relatively within my points and I wasn't losing an ounce. I've eased up the last few days and voila, the weight drops. Oh yeah, and I eat more those few days. This makesno sense what-so-ever! The only conclusion I can come to....somehow the points allowance that I've been eating is not what I need to lose at this point. Maybe it is too low with the massive exercise. YIKES! Does that mean that I've been not eating enough? MaryFran undereat????? Woah! What a kicker though. I overate at lunch on Thursday....I could have gone to that banquet and had rolls and high fatty salad dressings and a whole dessert. But no, I went and ate reasonably, even after I had my little slip up at lunch. And look what happened....I honestly lost weight! What would have happened if I had given up for the day and eating like a starving pig for dinner also????

This morning I was looking for a shirt to wear to work. I grabbed a pink tee out of the drawer (to wear as a base layer here at work). I meant to grab one of my comfy roomy big teeshirts. (well, not one of the 2x ones, they are the swallow me whole tee shirts...but just a comfy roomy teeshirt). Well, my hand reached for pink and I pulled out a small tee shirt. One that fit me perfectly at my lowest weight. Now granted, that's only 15 pounds or so...so we are not talking umpteen pounds (although 15 pounds more to go seems like umpteen at times). I said, what the heck. All of my clothes still fit, some are just tighter than others. And I noticed that with this little weight gain that I've had, I've gone back to 'frumpier' clothes that I wear. My confidence levels had plumeted in direct proportion to my weight gain. I put on the sized just right shirt. I'm not overtly happy with the roll around my belly that is highly visible because the shirt may be a tad tighter than it was when I bought it. However, being honest...the roll is also a tad bigger also! But I'm wearing it. The roll would still be there and still visible with my roomy comfy clothes. This shirt fits just fine, it is not clinging to me in any way, it's just not billowing around my body in waves of loose fabric.

Lessons learned thus far today...oh heck, this week!
1. Don't underestimate your body....it can do crazy things when least expected.
2. Confidence.....wear it!
3. Perserverance is all mental...it has not much to do with ability.
4. Start over this instance. Do not wait until tomorrow, or the beginning of the week, or whenever. Start now....it's not tooo late!
5. With proper care, a saddle sore/follicle cyst can go bye bye within a few days!

I started thinking today about something. Todd has a 'touchy' digestive system. We have to go natural and organic as much as possible and when we don't go natural and organic we are constantly reading labels to see how 'unnatural' the ingredients are. One of the main no-nos is High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS). Kelloggs cereals are a huge offender. I think pretty much every one of their cereals have HFCS in it! So we've been looking at some of these bargain stores like Aldi's and Sav-A-Lot to compare prices and products. We are finding that these bargain stores and their cheap generic store brand cereals are made without HFCS. What???? I'm spending more money on Kelloggs cereals....and I'm getting HFCS which is bad bad bad! I can pay less money and get cereals without? What???? And they tout HCFS to be cheaper and help keep our costs down. Whatever! Soooo Todd is in his glory eating all these cereals that before were taboo!

Speaking of Todd's digestive system....on Thursday night I had the honor of sitting beside someone that I started talking to and we just clicked. It was like we had known each other for ages...and we had similar beliefs and thoughts on a whole lot of things. She has become a vegetarian in recent years. Basically she watched her daughter struggle with asthma. Asthma so bad that this daughter was using her inhaler at least once an hour. Her daughter went vegetarian and the asthma disappeared. (the daughter now goes deep sea diving....so that tells you how her asthma is). So this lady started going vegetarian herself...she said she couldn't ignore the proof. I was highly interested because Todd and I always talk about how it would be a short jump for us to go vegetarian. In fact, I've bought vegetarian recipe books and whatnot over the years, because I see us goign that route. Well, I came home...Todd's digestive system is getting all whacky again. We can't figure out what is sneaking in...I'm almost anal about reading the labels and such...so we don't know what is causing him to be sick. I'm thinking maybe I should try to incorporate more vegetarian stuff to see if that helps!

How???

I don't know how....but my weight yesterday morning was 203.6. Yesterday I didn't drink near enough water. And at lunch I had a little binge. Instead of my fruits and veggies at lunch....to give me extra points for dinner....which was at a banquet, I had grilled cheese and tomato soup and strawberries(yes, made with the lowest and healthiest ingredients and methods). THEN I had a 100 cal cookie (2 points), and that wasn't enough so I then went and had a dark chocolate candy bar (it was stuck in the freezer....I had gotten it for free months ago...and put it in the freezer because I knew I wouldn't be eating it...oh yeah, see what happened), and THEN I had a snack bar! WHEW! We went to the banquet and I ate what they served (I passed on the bread basket and I split the most scrumptious fudgy brownie with Todd). So I didn't eat all that well. Yet my weight went down to 200.4. WHAT?????? I'll take it!!!
Had a nice time at the banquet last night. I picked up a little more support for my bike ride! WOo hooo! Hopefully the people that promised will carry through. (I did bring home a check though from one person.....wooo hooo!)

Exercise yesterday.....non-existant. I did however help Todd cart the sound system/pa around town (up and down stairs and whatnot) during the afternoon and then after the banquet (he provided the sound system for the entertainment). So does that count?????? tee hee hee

Today, I'm going to do my best to get some exercise in...but it's another busy day...I probably won't be home until late. ARRGGGHHH

Ride news

Went out on the bike yesterday....I don't know why, but my legs are soooo freakin' sore today! there is no reasoning behind it. I've done worse rides (with wind...or hills) and no problem. It seems like this leg aching pain after a ride hits mysteriously with no warning or reasoning. (One time I had done a large road ride with hills and was fine...but a day or so later did a little 9 miler on the canal...flat...and that small easy ride wiped me out!) I've got to figure this stuff out. Maybe it's something that I'm eating! That doesn't seem likely..but hey, you never know.

Meanwhile, it's rainy today. With the weight gone from my body and thereby my knees, it's easy to forget that I suffer from arthritis. When I was larger, the knees always hurt from the immense pressure that my weight was putting on them...but that constant pain has eased up. Now it's just changes in the weather that put a little pain in the knees. As I said earlier.....it's raining. Thus the knees are hurting! ARRGGGHHH

So yep, my knees hurt......my legs ache from my ride! I'm just feeling 'peachy'.

Ohhhhh I almost didn't say anything. My ride yesterday 24.04. It wasn't until much later....after the ride, that my legs started to ache. Hey, I can deal with that! Ride like the wind, pay the price later! :-)

Deep thoughts and reflections

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Val! Your generosity has really touched my soul! I can't even express how much! Thank you!

I was reading blogs this morning and got to thinking about my weight and what caused me to start losing. I thought I would list them here...as a reminder to myself. You see, after losing a significant amount of weight, those ailments and reasons are pushed aside or have disappeared (some fully, some for the most part) and it's easy to forget why I'm doing this. So here goes.

1. My weight was going to kill me sooner or later. It would have been a miracle if I did not end up with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and every other weight related illness known to man. I had already been diagnosed with high cholesterol and had had a few instances where my blood pressure was elevated...nothing regular thank the Lord!

2. I was sick constantly. It was not abnormal for my stomach to hurt and to spend half of the night clutching my stomach and rushing to the bathroom.

3. Knees. At the tender young age of 28 I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my knees. The doctor bluntly told me that the only thing that would really help was to remove as much weight as possible from my knees. I didn't really pay attention and do anything about it....and then I started feeling the pain in my hips. (apparently when the knees go, the hips sometimes follow)

4. To be able to dress how I want and not in whatever clothes I find that fit me without looking terrible.

5. It hurt to watch family member struggle with their weight and illnesses...and I knew I was following in their footsteps!

*************

A long time ago I realized that I lose more weight when I am completely focused on losing. Almost as if losing weight is my sole purpose in life and all else is secondary. I noticed that when that focus slipped, I started to not lose weight. ohhhh I may have maintained some weeks, but eventually I would gain.

In September I started a 365 project in which I take a picture a day for a year. I made it 6 months....it became my focus. I thought constantly about what I was going to take a picture of...I thought about what I could do to that picture in photoshop. I spent hours playing around with the camera...on the computer... I read books...etc etc etc. Not that that was a bad thing....but my focus was on my photography. Is it a coincidence that my weight started spiralling out of control in October? I even started doing a monthly scavenger hunt with my camera....taking my attention even further into photography. Once again, not a bad thing......unless that focus could be better spent on something else......me.

In the last week I've been thinking. While I don't want to really stop the 365 project...I know that I need to readjust my priorities and make losing weight my primary goal. That has to be my focus...even above my training for this ride. Losing weight is number one. Luckily, the training should enhance my weight loss. :-) But my main focus needs to go back to losing the weight!

Way to go to the contestants on The Biggest loser for persevering through and completing their own half marathon! It reminds me of something that my brother talked about when I called him for training advice. He told me that distance biking (the advice is the same for running) is more of a mental battle than anything else. You have to have your mind wrapped around the objective (finishing what you set out to do) and then go for it and don't look back! He talked about how he has gone on 100 rides with people that have had little or no training (in fact he has done it some years) and how they push through the pain and focus on their objective and they do it! The contestants talked about how Tara and Sione could do it because they run 6 miles at the ranch. 6 miles is NOT 13 miles. Yeah, they may be more conditioned and better prepared than someone that doesn't run at all (yeah, some of them looked really awkward running...but hey, not all are runners and even though they looked awkward, they finished. Like I was saying 6 miles is not a half marathon...they were not prepared and conditioned to run a half marathon. So how did they finish? What pushed them to continue through the pain. Ohhh yeah, it was that mental training. They had their mind wrapped into their mission. They were focused on the goal.

I had a really difficult time holding in my emotions when the contestants went home. I hope that at some point on the show they actually come back and say (or I can find out somehow) that Ron's son (not mike...the one at home) has started to lose and that he is getting healthy. Tore my heart out! Yeah to Kirsten's sisters for taking control and losing weight in conjunction to their mother and sister being on the shoe! While my heart aches for Aubry's father (who wouldn't be bothered by a 500 pound man). I wanted to shake Aubrey. She went on the attack I think with her father. Come on...he's 500 pounds! He can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. He doesn't know where to start to change! Don't preach at him....teach him!!!! Show him where he needs to start. Hounding someone is not going to make them change!

Ok, enough of my thoughts on The biggest loser!

Change of plans

You know, I had a whole long post planned about my woes in training. Namely a bit of sore (a follicle cyst actually) that rubs when I ride. (Mainly on the exercise bike). But things changed.

I was humbled by my blog. I started writing my blog as an outlet for my feelings as I have followed this path to good health. I thought that it would be a great way to keep a record of the ups and downs of my journey. Basically chronicling my weight loss. I didn't know it would take this long, and I didn't have any idea how many times I would slip. But I did. Somewhere along the way I picked up some readers. Cool...but my blog is still my outlet, my place to be open and honest with myself about what's happening. I let it all hang out on here (in regards to my weight loss efforts). Today I received something in the mail (thank you Valerie!) that really brought me up short and made me realize how much my words and thoughts are being read. My words, my struggles have the capacity to help others even as I still feel as if I'm failing miserably in this journey. I realize that true failure is giving up. But, in the strictest sense of the word, I have felt like a failure of late. I have gained weight and I'm struggling to get it back off. (Even today...supposedly my day two of being on track, I ate too much at lunch...not bad stuff...but just more than I needed). But admitting the issues is not failure. Failure can only occur if i throw in the towel and say I don't' care, I"m not going to try anymore.

And that long paragraph is there to say that I shouldn't feel like a failure....yes, I've gained a bit back...and I'm struggling....but I've not given up, which is the only sure fire failure!

OK...I will give a brief highlight of the happenings:

*Yes, yesterday I did really good with eating and drinking. Today I overindulged at lunch. I had cottage cheese, strawberries, applesauce, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and not one...but two 1 point weight watcher cookies! With what is planned for dinner, I'll be a bit over my points. I was thinking in terms of failure before I got my mail at the post office...but I'm not going to do that anymore. Soooooo looking at it successfully...here goes. While I ate too much according to my new standards. I can guarantee that there 'twas a day that what I ate for lunch would have been considered an appetizer.....and a pretty lame one at that. My overindulgence (other than the 1 point cookies) was all healthy foods. Foods that are good for me. I didn't overindulge in foods that were unhealthy for me (well, except for the cookies...but even they were at least 1 pointers instead of the high pointed homemade ones).
*My weight dropped this morning. I did good yesterday and saw a drop on the scales. (maybe I'll take every ones advice and ignore the scales for the next few days). The positive. I can see how a day of healthy 'living' can make a difference.
*Training continueth. I rode last night. I didn't ride this morning. It was really overcast (Of course I come to work and the sun comes out and dries up the roads). The positive. Todd and i are planning on going out tomorrow for a long ride. I was nervous about doing a big hilly ride today and still having some energy in my legs for tomorrows ride. So the decision making was taken away from me.
*At the risk of giving TMI, I have a bit of a problem. The saddle on the upright exercise bike rubs me in a bad way....and has caused a bit of a sore. No, this is not a failure...it's a minor little problem that will be attended to. The positive.....well, I can say that this is my first ever sports injury! At 315 pounds my name and the phrase 'sports injury' were never uttered in the same breath!

Positive thinking!!!

I'm still feeling down. Right now I'm mostly bummed about my weight. I had that one week of doing really good. And then I had a week or two of a lackluster attempt. Weight gains when it didn't seem like I should have a weight gain, which caused me to not care and eat more than I should. I honestly don't like the way I feel with this extra weight. AND I'm tired of fighting my wardrobe because everything is getting tighter! I woke up this morning and I'm determined to renew my effort and get back on track though. This cycle has got to stop. I've said this so many times that I'm sick of hearing myself say it. How does one do this though? I've lost so much weight...I should have this figured out by now...yet I find myself floundering.

Meanwhile, I calculated last weeks training figures. I only rode outdoors once....for 19.1 miles (roughly two hours) and I rode on the exercise bike for 370 minutes. That means that I spent 8.17 hours on a bike last week. (this training stuff takes time) Yes, I took a day off...I know how important it is to have a day of rest. I'm not sure what today will bring bike wise. I get off at three. I know I will get some hours in the saddle. The question is...outside or inside? It is a 30% chance of rain and mid 50's...so I'm leaning toward inside....especially since Tuesday and Wednesday are supposed to be sunny (no chance of rain) and in the 60's and 70's! However, a big ride today would work best in my training plans...because I could do a smaller ride (or inside ride) tomorrow and be ready to do another big ride on Wednesday (supposed to be sunny and nice temps) with Todd. So who knows what I end up doing. I do know that Friday will most likely be my day of rest as I work open to close and then I will have to run to Hagerstown to take care of my parents cat while they are on vacation (about 20 minutes drive from my house...so about 40 minutes round trip...plus time in the house to pet the cat and check on everything). I may not have the time that day!

I"m still here...feeling lackluster and all that. But I'm here. I did get in a ride early this afternoon and another one in after dinner. (45 minutes and 50 minutes respectively). Both on the exercise bike as it was rainy and icky here.

Check out the give away on Cammy's site.

I don't really have much to say today. I'm feeling blah and a bit down in the dumps.....the scales are just not cooperating. And it's frustrating as all get out.

Wind.....

Hmmm...my Wednesday off of work. I woke up early and hit up a weight watcher meeting first thing in the morning. I posted a slight gain. Could it be water (we had a packaged/processed dinner due to time constraints the night before? Could it be that we ate later than normal on TUesday night (I had a late meeting at work)? Who knows? Am I worried and stressed about it? NOPE! What I am worried and upset about is that something clicked in my brain after my weigh in and well.....I decided to have a free day of eating. After my meeting I had a bowl of cheerios. Not too bad....not off target....just about right I'd say. Lunch we had turkey subs...homemade. (Whole wheat sub roll, turkey, fat free sliced cheese, lots of lettuce and onion). I had a serving of grapes and a serving of cottage cheese. Still not tooo bad. We went for a bike ride (more on that later) and then the problems began. Todd asked for lemon poppy seed muffins. Ohh yeah, I had some batter. Then I made a cherry angel food cake. (this is actually for work...for a pot luck that we are having tomorrow.....but of course I ate a little batter). THEN, I made homemade pizza for dinner. (wheat thin crust...but still.....I'd say probably 16 points for what I ate.) I did at least have applesauce with dinner. (hey, I normally eat between 5 and 8 servings of fruits and veggies...yesterday I was sorely lacking). When I went to bed, my stomach was HURTING! My body was saying, "I don't like the food choices that you have made!"

Todd and I decided to go for a bike ride yesterday. It was about 60 degrees outside. We decided to go down to the canal across from Harpers Ferry. Fun stuff. We bundled up...because 60 is still cold when you facter in the movement and all that. We hopped on the bikes and headed downstream. I honestly expected to not go very far as Todd hasn't been out much on his bike. I was thinking to Weaverton (lock 31 and back) Which would put as at about 6 miles total. I was ok with that...I could go home and ride the exercise bike to bet the rest of my time completed for the day. Todd complained about how cold it was. I laughed, usually I'm the one that's cold...but you can tell that I've been out more on my bike in the cold (I've gone out in the mid to upper 40's recently) and I WAS bundled up better than him. He acclimented to the weather...or it got warmer....not sure which...but either way he did eventually take off his outer layer leaving a teeshirt.....I actually took off of my outer jacket....leaving a teeshirt and sweatshirt, which I then eventually had to push the sleeves up on.). Anyway, we got to Weaverton and Todd kept trucking on along. WOO HOOO! I was faintly optimistic that we would make it to Brunswick....which is about 5 miles from Harpers Ferry....which would make a ten mile ride. WOO HOOOO...we made it. And Todd said, "lets go a bit further". We went to The catoctin Aqueduct.....9.5 miles from Harpers Ferry. We stopped to look around. We contemplated going another half mile to make it an even ten both ways...but we both like to turn at landmarks...so we decided 9.5 was enough for the day. We turned around. And worked our way back. The ride was nice.......UNTIL 2 miles from the end. And that is when the wind picked up. When I say it picked up, I really mean it picked up. Apparently the wind was whipping at about 20-30 mph! AGAINST us! I dropped to my lowest gear and I was pushing for all I was worth.....and my top speed? Ohh yeah, my top speed was 2-3 mph! At one point an extra strong wind hit me and it stopped me and pushed me backwards! (It was absolutely crazy). The wind was whipping up the dirt off the towpath and blinding me. All I can say is that the last two miles were pure hell! I worked HARD those last two!

My weight is up a little today. Not as bad as I expected. I'm glad I weighed myself though...becuase I need to see the damage that is caused by poor eating choices. I mean, I rode the bike for 2 hours yesterday....I shouldn't have seen a gain! My eating negated the weight loss that I could have posted after a great workout! That is sad!

Deep inner babbling

Don't really know what to talk about today. My weight is down (by roughly half a pound) so that is a relief. My schedule is most likely going to be changing here soon...so I'll be back on the lookout for another weight watcher meeting. I'm seriously thinking about going to a WV meeting. It's at the same time as my old meeting. That time slow just really seemed to work for me. The problem....that meeting place doesn't use the same system as my current, so to switch back and forth is a pain in the butt. They also don't sell and really use the monthly passes, but they do accept them as payment (at least they did last time I went) so they have to fill out extra paperwork when I go with my monthly pass. And thirdly, their products are more expensive than the products at my MD meeting. Go figure. But, I think I'm going to switch to that next week. It will be easier for me...I won't break into the middle of a day, or push me to get to work or anything like that. I won't have to worry about my work schedule changing and interrupting my meeting time, etc etc etc. What I'll do when I need products. I'll stock up in MD tomorrow (I think I'm going to go to a morning meeting tomorrow...Wednesday) and then I'll be good for a month or so. When I run out of stuff, I'll go to my normal meeting in Kearneysville but then make a special trip up to the MD/Kenley Village location for a second meeting that week...and buy my products up there. I don't buy all that many products so it won't be too bad. (I think i bought about $20 worth of stuff back in the beginning of January.....and I'm just now running out.....)

This morning I was exercising (yep, 70 minutes down on the exercise bike......I wanted to get in some this morning as it will be a long day of work for me.....9 until 6:15...and then I need to go to Robbery Training tonight. That will be from 6:30 until approximately 8. So we are talking about an 11 hour day. I'll get home....make (finish making, Todd should beat me home so he'll start dinner)dinner and then eat...and then watch The Biggest Loser. I hope to ride a bit during the show. But I know that after a long day like this, that riding may be the last thing that I want to do tonight. Anyway, I was riding this morning and watching an episode of The Biggest Loser Australian season 3. It is nearing the end of the season.....when they do the typical hike where they have 'gates' and at each gate they have to add sandbags to their backpack to symbolize the weight that they lost each week thus far in the program. At the top, one of the contestants, Michelle was talking to bob and Jillian (yep, they are on the show) and Jillian was asking, "what's in the backpack". Michelle was having a hard time answering. It got me thinking.....what would I answer. I immediately knew what my answer would be. "Pain, misery and sadness". Jillian finally got Michelle to answer and Michelle answered very similarly to what I responded with. But then Jillian pushed and made her answer the question of why she wanted to feel that way....and something clicked with me. My weight was maybe not put on for this reason, but it became a defense mechanism that I used. Defense against what? I am a preachers daughter and it was known around my high school that I was such. I never gave ANY indication that I was a rebel and wild. But it was a well known fact in my high school that preachers daughters were wild and would do anything with a guy. (I guess there were a few that lived up to that typical stereotype that made some of these guys think that I would be that way). I was asked out a lot in high school.......but the conversation would usually turn to something like this. "I hear you are a preachers daughter.....I've heard about preachers daughters.......you wanna go out on Friday night?" 9 times out of 10 it was pretty easy to deduce the reasoning behind the invitation. As I gained weight in high school, the invitations decreased....(they still came, just not as often). It was easier that way, since I wasn't going to go out with those guys anyway (yes, I declined each and every one of them). Thus the weight became a defense mechanism....a way to help protect myself. I don't need that defense anymore.

Well, my fingers are cold, so I'm going to end this post.

Challenge

I'm not sure if I need to calculate this past weekend as a success or as a failure with my eating. I made the best choices that I could. We ate out twice....at diners! Now lets think about diner food. On Friday night, I had a turkey wrap (no cheese), a salad and soup. My points for the day, iffy...guessing on the points becuase..well restaurant, I have no clue. But I feel as if I probably went over by 2 points. Yesterday we went to another diner for lunch. I had a turkey sub (no cheese), a salad and a side of green beans. (both turkey sandwiches were PILED high with the veggies). I calculated/guesstimated my points to the best of my ability and went on. I did eat a ligher dinner last night, trying to compensate for my lunch. But alas, this morning I kept hitting the snooze (gotta get used to the new time) and I was rushing around and didn't weigh myself ....shucks. So I don't know where I stand. I will say that while I worry about my weight after this weekend. I'm happy with my choices. I felt totally satisfied with the food that I ate at these diners. AND I thoroughly enjoyed the company and fellowship that was there. So I'm satisfied.

The challenge will come tonight. I can be a bit of a closet eater. I know that I have a tendency to struggle on the nights that Todd is not there and that I'm 'eating dinner alone." It's soooo easy to slip food onto my plate. To snitch extras. Sometimes I go into the kitchen with a clear cut plan and it falls apart when i actually see the food. It's crazy! SOOO anywy, the challenge will be that Todd will not be at home this evening. I'll be home alone...eating alone. I've actually got a healthy amount of points left after my breakfast and lunch. Breakfast was an egg and cheese sandwich....5 points and Lunch was boccoli and cheese (1point) and corn (2 point), strawberries (1 point) and pineappe (1 point). So at my current weight, that leaves me 15 points left. That is pretty healthy. So as long as I can hold it under control I'll be ok.

Training. Yesterday I took the day off. I woke up and before I even got out of bed my legs felt heavy. I made it through the day but it just wasn't happening. I'm planning on getting in some kind of ride (be it exercise bike, outdoor or a spin class) tonight. I've added something to my exercise journal. (Yes, I keep a 3 ring binder that has a record of my exercise going back quite a ways....I also have my training plan and spreadsheet for this training in there also). Anyway, I'm adding something. I'm writing on each day how my legs feel. I'm curious. Does the 'weighted affect' in my legs change according to how much I rode previous days? It's all very intriguing to me. So, I've decided to start watching to see what in the world my body does and how it responds. I can even tie it into my food...maybe my food had something to do with my dead legs. Hmmmmm

Help!

Dear Friends & Family,

Did you know that heart disease is the #1 killer of women in the United States? 1 out of 3 women will die from heart disease yet it is preventable. Knowledge is power and with the knowledge on how to prevent heart disease we can change these statistics. On April 19th I am participating in an event called - Girls with Gears: A Women's Cycling Event and plan to ride 25 miles. Proceeds from this event benefit CAROL For Heart (CFH). CFH is an all volunteer non-profit organization that educates women on the prevention of heart disease. They offer free programs and presentations to groups of women to learn more about risk factors, symptoms and prevention. CAROL For Heart is founded in memory of a woman named Carol Pawelski who died 7 years ago at the young age of 60 of massive, undiagnosed heart disease. She had no idea she was even at risk. I know that I had put myself into a greater risk by the lifestyle that I had chosen. It wasn’t until I started to pay attention to my health that I became educated about this disease and it’s risks. I have used this information to help reduce my risks, mainly by losing weight.

It is now my turn to help others.

I am asking for your support to help me raise $250 by making a flat donation in any amount. $250 can educate approximately 20 women and potentially save 20 women from a preventable disease. Please help save your mothers, daughters, aunts, nieces and girlfriends lives by supporting me in this ride. Checks can be made out to CAROL For Heart (and are tax deductible). Please send any contributions to: MaryFran Stotler at PO Box 605, Sharpsburg Maryland 21782 Donations can also me made online at http://carolforheart.org/default.asp?p=support_us. Simply enter my name in the “Donate on behalf of” section and select your amount. For more information on CAROL For Heart visit: www.carolforheart.org.

Thanks so much for your support!

My weight was a bit up this morning. I'm not surprised. We went out to eat last night (I decided to go grocery shopping last night so that we would have all afternoon today to 'play' instead of run errends!). And while I chose and ate wisely, I had eaten earlier in the day totally contingent upon the planned meal, and of course the meal out wasn't the same pointage wise. Oh well. It was very minute, so I'm not goign to worry. :-)

After work today, I came home and Todd and I rode our bikes down to the canal and rode up to Dam #4. All in all about a 9 mile ride. I came home then and cleaned/organized the back porch (stuff seems to have just gotten pitched out there throughout winter and I've been literally having to climb over things to get my bike out and to get to the freezer that is out there). Then I came in and cleaned the house inside for a few hours. So all in all, from noon when I got off of work until about 6PM (when the dinner dishes were finally cleaned) I was on the go (with the exception of sitting down to eat dinner). That has to be good for me!

weigh in and training

Lets see...what to type about first. Should I type about my weigh in and the meeting? Or should I type about my bike ride this morning? I mean, which one? Bike ride? Weigh in? Oh heck, I'll go chronologically.

Went to my meeting. As I wrote yesterday I was optimistic about the results. I was actually estimating (based on my home weigh ins) that I would be down about 4.5 pounds. I stepped on the scales with confidence. I mean, I was pretty sure that my weigh in was going to be a good one. Uhhhhh it was not what I expected. I did NOT lose 4.5 pounds. Not even remotely close. Yeah, I lost 5.8 pounds! YES you read that right. I lost FIVE POINT EIGHT pounds! Five and eight tenths of a pound. Holy cow...that is almost 6 pounds in one week!

There was some sad news. The weight watcher leader that was there......Bonnie is actually the leader that i have had for most of my weight loss journey. She is not going to be leading any more meetings as she accepted another job. Sad. Makes me nervous. I've sat in on a lot of meetings in the last few months...and I have heard some pretty lame leaders. But we'll have to see!

Last night I came home and I admit that I ate a bit more food than I probably should have. I ate pancakes and turkey bacon. I then followed that carb laden meal up with a 70 minute exercise bike ride. (I had ridden for about 35 minutes early yesterday morning also). I was kinda nervous about what the scales would say today. But the results were not bad. (hey, it showed me down..that's all that matters)

This morning the cat (Ethel) started at around 4AM. She just didn't want me to sleep. She wanted to tell me something. She pawed at my face. She bit my hair. She meowed and tapped me with her pay. It was terrible. Finally at about 6Am I got out of bed. I guess she just wanted me to get awake...because from then on she was fine. But, no problem...I was hoping to get an outside ride in this morning as the weather was supposed to be gorgeous today. I looked at the thermometer. YIKES 43 degrees outside! That's cold! (yeah, I'm a wimp) I turned on my computer. I made my oatmeal. I ate my oatmeal. I answered some emails. Ohh yeah, life was just moving along. 7AM. Ohhh joy, it was up to 44 degrees. At about 7:30 I looked and we were up to 45 degrees. I stepped outside (gave a truck driving by a nice sight, me in my nightgown with my flannel pants standing on the front deck stretching and feeling how cold it was). Hmmmm...it wasn't that cold. So I went in, bundled up and grabbed my stuff (I took extra care with my cell phone....I'm not sure it could handle another submersion in the cats water dish) and off I went. My IPOD was fully charged so I was able to listen to music on this ride.

My goal that I set for this week, in my training was to ride as much as possible (exercise bikes if I couldn't get outside) and try to do at LEAST 12 miles outside on the roads. (last weeks goal was 10 miles.....I did 11.21...averaging 9.1 mph). I don't know what overcame me. I had a route all planned in my head. I came to the turn off that I should take to do that route. And I thought, "why the heck not" and I went straight to a longer route and definitely more hilly. It seemed at every turn, when I had the option of choosing to go the 'easy/short' way or the 'long/more hilly' way I chose the harder option. Heck, I even swung around once and did a second lap on the north end of the battlefield. Probably because it was so bucolic. Ohh wait, that was the manure that they were spreading in the fields! (haa haa haa) I'll admit, the first mile or two was rough. My legs were KILLING me. But it seemed to get better the further on I went. At one point on the battlefield, I was riding along and singing at the top of my lungs. (hey, I heard that singing while you exercise helps to expand the lungs and actually helps your workout....and I like to sing and the music was really good so why not? And NO, I didn't sing aloud when I was in town...or anywhere near where others could really hear me....well, not including the cows).

Soooo the results of my ride. One hour and 41 minutes. 16.17 miles! Average speed of 9.5. SOOOO, I went further, (true it took me longer, but that's expected) and I bettered my average speed. :-)

The other thing that I started working on during the ride. Hills. I've been doing the hills. I just gear down, stay in my saddle and pump my legs to get up the hill. I go mighty slow on some of those hills, but I make it to the top. WELL, today I started experimenting with getting out of the saddle and really working on the way up the hills. Well, first of all I learned that I can't have it in too low of a gear or else it's like near impossible because it is actually wobbly and you feel as if your legs are just flying through the air because there is not enough resistance. SOOO the next attempt I left it in the higher gear that I had used to approach the hill. Uhhh nope... It worked for a little bit. But after just a bit, you start to slow down and it feels as if you are trying to ride through quicksand. Uhh that doesn't work! So it's a middle of the ground gear that you need to be in. Ohh yeah, I found out that one of my middle of the ground gears slips. Yeah, that hurt when my leg jarred when it slipped it's gear. But i kept riding and ignored the pain (that was at about mile 4....) and whadya know...by the time I got home it didn't hurt anymore. (Maybe it's because my butt was so numb...yeah, I forgot the bike shorts/padded underwear again...ok the butt wasn't that bad..but I was mad at myself for forgetting). But you know...with the gear...it's only on one tier of gears...so if I knock it up to the next 7 (my middle 7 out of the 21) then I'm ok. Well, that's good...I shouldn't be wimping out and riding in that low gear anyway should I?? tee hee hee

So, I'm pretty stoked about my ride this morning. I blew my training goal out of the water...that's a REALLY good thing! :-) I still haven't faced the south side of the battlefield yet....that's like ALL uphill. I'll get there though! I'll get there!

Rambles and deep thoughts

Shhhhhhh don't get too excited yet, but this weeks weigh in looks pretty promising! :-) I'll know tonight at about 5 PM!

Training is going as well as it can be going when the weather outside is freakin' 20 degrees! Come on spring temperatures. I know you are out there. Get here already! Meanwhile, I truck along on the exercise bike as much as possible. I've been nailing some longer rides on the exercise bike...so I feel good about that. Riding until my legs have a little bit of that 'jelly feeling' in them is a good thing now-a-days. How sick is that, that I look forward to that feeling????

You know...I just like the Australian version of The Biggest Loser. they seem to go so much more in depth with the background of why the contestants are the way they are...and eating and all that jazz. I was watching an episode from season three (yep, while riding the exercise bike) and one of the contestants participated in a temptation to win immunity. He ate well over 1000 calories as he participated....and LOST anyway! He was just so upset and bummed out that he went to the kitchen and had lunch (right after the temptation where he ate 1000 empty calories). Ohh it wasn't just lunch. It was lots of bread, 14 cookies (at 100 calories a cookie), cheese, you name it...he had it. He ate something like 4000 calories during his binge. They showed it! Not that we needed to see him eating. But I think it's good to show that even though this guy had lost close to 50 kilos (we are talking 100 pounds here) he still so easily lost control and binged. It happens. And they took the opportunity to talk about how you deal with that. The trainer also talked about how she could tell immediately that 'something' was wrong even before he told her...simply in how his body was performing.

I'm going to revisit a rant I went on a while back about gastric bypass surgery and being bothered about it. Well, that family member has her date set....for the end of this month. WHY WHY WHY!!! Mom told me that in her words she said "I just stay away from food." Well, what is going to be different after you have the surgery? Your stomach will stretch again! Look at the guy (the father Ron) on the current season of The Biggest Loser. He had bypass and it didn't work! Ohh he lost the weight but he gained it back! Same thing with that girl on DietTribe (I think her name was Morgan). Bypass...and right back to 280 pounds! It's not the end all be all answer! I ran into a friend last week and somehow this bypass conversation came up. Turns out her brother-in-law had the lapband surgery back right around Thanksgiving (I think she said between Thanksgiving and Christmas). Two days before the surgery (and the last time he was supposed to eat before the surgery) he went out to Ryans...and totally ate himself silly. What is taht about? So anyway, he had the surgery and has been losing the weight. BUT my friend went on to say that he's figured out a trick. Apparently with the lapband, they leave a small portion of your stomach...so you eat until that is filled...and then when that is digested it passes through the small opening and then you can eat more....but you can't eat more until that is digested and passed through that opening. WELL, apparently her brother in law has figured out a way to beat the system , er lapband. He has figured out that he can eat until that 'space' is full...and then if he drinks a lot of water (quickly??) that it pushes that food past that narrow opening leaving that pouch available for more food...which of course he refills by eating...and then flushing. It took him what....3 months to figure out how to bypass the bypas (ok, a lapband, but bypassing the bypass sounded better)

I'm still really feeling led or called to do something to promote healthy living. To help people see that even though you may dig yourself into a pretty big hole with your weight, that it is NOT impossible to correct the problem naturally. I don't know how....but I'm thinking and I've started to seriously pray about it. The one thing that keeps popping up in my mind is becoming a nutritionist. I had looked at the certification programs...I'm not sure that is the route to go....so that leaves the RD (registered dietitian)...but that is more schooling.....which takes money. So we'll have to see about that. I've looked for non-profits to align myself with...but I'm not finding much. I found one coalition or some such group that looked big and well organized. But upon looking deeper noticed that they have links and support the gastric bypass stuff. And while I do think that there is a time and a place for those surgeries...I feel that it is becoming the 'quick fix' resort....and that is wrong in my book. So I don't want to align myself with a group that pushes gastric bypasses as the common solution. So I'm not sure what route to take...I just know that right now, my heart is really pulled in that direction.

My last thought of the day. (maybe) is why do we feel as if we need to eat something just because it's the consummate diet food. I was reading a post just recently where the author was talking about oatmeal. And how she never liked oatmeal...but she wants to eat it...and did we have any ideas how to make it more palatable. I threw some ideas out there (things that I do to my oatmeal) but then finished with "don't make yourself eat something just because you think it's healthy'. We need to eat what we like...otherwise we will NEVER have any success....at least with any longevity! Soooooo today, just a few minutes ago, I started eating my lunch....and what did I find in my lunchbox (yeah yeah yeah...I packed it..so I knew what was there beforehand) but yogurt. Ohhh goody! My favorite thing! NOT. I really do not like yogurt! So why do I continue to buy it? Is it because I have coupons and get it cheap? Well, even though I have coupons sometimes for the yogurt, the coupons alone do not make me buy the item. I mean, after all, I get coupons for Depends (yeah, the adult diaper) and I don't buy them! (thank goodness I don't NEED them) I dont' buy diapers and baby food..but I've had some good coupons. So no...that can't be it. Ohh wait, do I buy them and choke the yogurt down because it's healthy for me???? Ohhh yeah, that's it!! Even though my own advice was to not force yourself to eat foods that you do not like....even though it's healthy for you, there I was doing it! I thought about my advice and I just didn't have it in me to choke down that yogurt....so into the garbage it went. It's about time I started following my own advice!

Lunch is over now (yeah, I was eating while I typed that last paragraph). And like I promised, I'm done talking (typing ) for now.

Whew!

Ok, so the uppage on the scales is gone again. Yep, must HAVE been water. WHew! Still on track with my eating! :-)

I read this post today on Cara's blog. Check it out. It really hit me between the eyes! It's on self sabataging yourself in your weight loss efforts. It is REALLY REALLY a good read!

Book Review

I did so good with my eating this weekend. I exercised. I drank my water. So why am I up on the scales? 2.2 pounds in one day to be exact. (yep, I know that there is NO WAY on this earth that I ate 2.2 pounds worth of food yesterday) BUT...I'm not going to worry about it. I'm happy with my eating. I didn't splurge, I didn't break. I ate healthy. I ate wisely. I did good.

I just finished reading a book entitled "Conversations with a Fat Girl" By Liza Palmer. A friend passed it on to me (thanks Lynn). It is a novel. But ohh did this story resonate within me. This girl grew up big and as she got older she have a very active fantasy/dream world...as her escape from her chubby life. Her weight ruled the decisions she made. Her weight ruled the relationships that she had...and didn't have (because of her weight). Throughout the book she learns the most important lesson...that what is inside is the most important thing...and that she can't let her fears, fears that are grounded in her obesity, rule her life.

It made me think. I didn't date much before I met my husband. The dates that I did have were not satisfying. I was uncomfortable and they rarely went further than a first or second date. I had one guy actually tell me (after a few dates) that i would be 'hot if I lost weight'. I actually saw him once more after that (in a dating situation). He is the one that stopped calling me. I did not stand up for myself and was actually sad when he stopped calling. I guess that's all I felt as if I deserved. I've let my weight play a role in my professional life. I've really let my weight dictate so much. In the past few years, I have stood up and started allowing the MaryFran that is inside to shine. But I admit that I still struggle with feelings of inferiority.......not because I think I'm stupid or anything like that. I sometimes feel inferior because of my weight. AND I'm not that big anymore. But the feelings are still there...buried...waiting to come out. For example, last summer when we were at Hershey park. I was at my lowest weight ever. I worried constantly about fitting onto the rides (on a previous visit I could barely fit on the rides...and at one point had to be moved to a special 'larger seat'). That worry translated into thinking people were staring at me...the fat chick waiting in line to ride such and such ride! As the day progressed and I fit onto more and more rides I started to feel better about myself....but each time I went through a turnstile, I felt that moment of panic. I was ruled by something that I KNEW was erroneous, yet powerless to change.

I think part of changing this thought process, these feelings; is to push myself out of my comfort zone. Do things that make me feel uncomfortable and realize that nothing bad is going to happen. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and went to the spin class. I liked it. :-) A first step toward pushing these self doubts and feelings out of my head!

I was planning on going to an express 30 minute spin class tonight. Sounds good eh? I'm still hoping to be able to go. HOWEVER, Todd called me from the house and told me that the house was cold this morning. For some reason our heat pump (less than a year old) is not keeping the place warm. NOT cool. It's in the 20's...but we've had colder days and have had no problem keeping it warm. Todd flipped the breaker to turn it off...and then he's turned it back on. He had to go to work...so I don't' know what I'll find when I get home. A cold house? A warm house??? Who knows. SOOOO I may be staying at home tonight and waiting for the guy to come and look and see what's happening. ARRGGHHH this is frustrating!

March comes in like a Lion

OK, so we got about an inch of snow last night...does that constitute March coming in like a lion? I sure hope so..because I'm really really really looking forward to the lamb part!

So far so good....I'm happy with my eating. I'm happy with what the scales are saying. I'm feeling good. I have my food planned out for the rest of today and I'm feeling confident that I can make it through the weekend unscathed. (Oops, better drink up some more....although I'm doing OK on my water consumption also thus far).

OK...report of my week of training. I spent 330 minutes on an exercise bike. I did a 30 minute spin class (more on that later) and I rode 11.21 miles (in 75 minutes) on the road. (Todd and I did some walks and I did a few other exercisy things...but for the training purposes....they don't count).

I've been writing about the possibility of doing a spin class for quite a while. As recently as February 19th I talked about it. Well, this morning I went. I went to a beginners session. I loved it! OK, we'll see how much I love it after I've done a full outright session...but I loved it. I'm hoping to go back tomorrow night to another session!

I've been reading a book that is really making me think about my life and how I've let my weight rule it and how I've let my weight play a role in decisions that I've made. I'll expound more on this in a later post, after I've finished the book and really thought about it in full. :-) But I can say now...I can look back and see decisions that have been made and the fact that my weight was a big factor.