Frustrations Understood??????

At my meeting last night I ended up showing a gain of 4.6 pounds. Yep, I gained just about 5 pounds! I was sharing with some of my friends that I'm just incredibly frustrated. I am eating aimlessly, mindlessly and simply without reason. I shared that I see a food and even though I just may have eaten a full meal..the thought of that other food is in my head and I MUST have it. WEIRD. I talked to her about how I see food in the kitchen and I just want it....for example, if I see the apples sitting innocently on the counter....it may trigger me to think Apple PIe...and then I must get the ingredients and make one! My eating is not a thing of needing or desiring physically....it's totally mental. I mentally want this food...there is nothing physical about it! And I keep eating until I'm sick!

I was then sharing with another friend my frustrations and how sick I get of people telling me to 'listen to my body for the signal that it is full'. What the heck???? I"ve been waiting for that signal for AGES....and I have never heard that call. I shared with her a story...true life and it had just happened to me the night before. I got home from work and made dinner for Todd and I. I ate dinner....a nice healthy amount....nothing skimpy probably more than I should have. ANd of course after dinner I cleaned up. I"m still washing dishes by hand as my dishwasher connection is still not up and running. NO problem. I finished washing the dishes and realized that I had meant to make a perogi casserole for Tuesday night. That involved me peeling potatoes, cooking them and making mashed potatoes.....along with sauteing onions and cooking noodles (ok, so it isn't the healthiest casserole...it's delicious though!). SO it was at least a good 30-45 minutes before I had that mess all cleaned up. I looked over and saw the loaf of bread. That trigged the thought about how good toast tastes.....so I up and had some toast. Now remember, I had just eaten a full meal about an hour or so earlier. (yes, fully balanced...protein, veggies, controlled carbs, etc etc etc) There was no way on this earth that I needed that toast. You can't say that my stomach had not caught up to what I ate...it was freakin' 45 minutes later! What was up with that? Well, I went to the computer and I was checking email and playing some games online and about 30-40 minutes later I stumbled across a recipe for muffins that sounded interesting. (yes, those blue cheese muffins mentioned in my previous post). Wow...muffins sound good....Ill go make some. Yes, I ate one! WHy...I now have had about an hour and a half for my stomach to catch up!!!! What's up with this. Oh yes.....a little later I had an ice cream bar...oh and I had some candy. WHY? I couldn't be hungry.....this was not a physical thing....and why the heck wasn't I feeling full after all this time????? SO I was relating to my friend that I just dont' ever feel full...not matter what I seem to do.

My friend looked at me and and actually understood. She didn't laugh like some people do. SHe didn't scoff and say, 'you'll learn...or you just need to 'listen'" she actually mentioned an article that she had read a while back about them identifying a gene that if it is missing causes the 'full' message to not get to the brain. WOAH doggie..this sounds like me.

I was extremely excited about this because I've been talking to my mom quite a bit recently about the fact that I never feel full. I will simply eat until I"m sick...unless I stop myself just becuase I know that I"ve had enough based solely on the amount that I ate and not how I feel. What really brought it to the forefront is because my sisterinlaw or brother had told my mom that my young nephew (1 year old...who is now eating 'adult' food) simply keeps eating unti he is pretty much miserable and sick. THey have to physically remove him from the food area...or remove the food from in front of him. That sparked me to think about the fact this may be something more genetic.

So, this morning when I couldn't sleep, I got up and got online and started researching. I found that they have identified a gene that creates a hormone called obestatin that is made in the stomach and small intestine and it seems to prompt the brain to send out a signal that says 'eat less"....the full signal. Ironically enough the article mentioned that this same gene also produced the hormone called ghrelin...and this is the exact opposite of obestatin...this hormone gives the hungry signal. SO I started thinking......have I ever been truely hungry. No...I dont' think so. I eat because it's "time" to eat.....or socially....or because I get a 'bee' in my bonnet for some food sinply because I love food. But, if I'm occupied I could go hours and days without food and not miss it...and not be feeling miserable without it. IN fact, my first year at BNYC (youth conference) I didnt' eat anything for a week. I didn't want anything...I was too busy and occupied to eat. I wasn't sick I wasn't hungry...I simply didn't eat. BUT, am I thinking this because I'm grasping at straws looking for an answer to these questions.

My questions prompted me to call my mom. I didn't tell her why I was asking these questions...but I asked her if she ever truely felt hungry. SHe started laughing a bit and was said, "when we had the restaurant, I made acomment that I was never hungry...I just ate because." She went on to relate that my grandmother and everyone at the restaurant at that time just laughed and laughed and laughed and called her crazy! I of course have already talked to her in depth about feeling full....she never feels full either.

OH MY WORD! HAVE I FOUND SOME OF THE REASONS FOR THIS WEIGHT MESS I"M IN???

IT makes absolute sense to me. The pieces click. The information that I read states that they are going to try to work on a drug that can synthetically give us these hormones that we are missing. I'm not excited to have that option...I'm tickled because I now understand why I struggle with how much I eat. I knwo I'm not crazy. And I know that no matter how many times someone tells me to 'listen to my body' I don't have to feel inferior and sit at home fretting because I can't 'hear' my body.

So today I really listened to my body. I woke up at 6am and I was putzing around the house. I was busy and occupied......I thought about food. I knew what I was going to have for breakfast...but I listened to how my body felt. NOTHING. I finally ate at 9am simply because I know that I need to eat to remain healthy. How did I feel after I ate....the same as before I ate. Todd and I went to town and did a few errends. We got home at about 12:30. I had listened to my body the whole time in town. Was I hungry...did I feel any differently...nope. I ate lunch (making sure it was balanced with everything to make it a healthy meal). I stopped eating simply because my 'alloted food' was already eaten! How did I feel aferwards.....the same. No difference in how I felt. Todd and I hiked up Maryland Heights to the overlook. It was a stenuous hike up the side of a mountain....from the bottom to the top. And then back down. When it was over did I feel hungry or any differently? No. We took a drive and went out to dinner. Was I hungry? NO. HOw did I feel after I ate my dinner...which I ate because I knew I had to eat to remain healthy...and because I like the food at that restaurant)....NO DIFFERENT!

It is a relief! Todd was sitting there talking about how full he was.....and I had no feelings like that. In the past, I've always wanted to cry when this happens because it makes me feel like a glutton. But tonight it made sense.

One other thing that makes sense....I've lost a considerable amount of weight.....and I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I did it because I simply ate my alloted points and then stopped. So it is possible to succeed even with this issue. It also makes sense why I hated core and why I gained on the core plan. ANY food...even the healthy ones can turn into bad ones when you can't stop....and since I was looking for that 'full' feeling....because on core you can eat until your full/satisfied....I was looking for something that I was never going to feel.

As for my satisfaction with eating. It is not in how I 'feel'....it's in my happiness with the taste of the foods that I just ate. When I leave a restaurant and I'm satisfied....it's because I enjoyed the food. When I say I'm satisfied, I'm satisfied with the experience.

I think just knowing this, will help me because I now will not waste my time on waiting for that full/satisfied feeling. I know I just need to eat what is a healthy amount (based on my points) and stop there. THAT is what will work. Simply feeding myself what I should be eating and not going over that.