Deep thoughts

I just wrote something in an email that really struck me. It's profound...ok at least to me!

A bad day or eating is not a failure...it is 'life'. Stop thinking that it is! We're going to have those days. The failure is if we let that one day of eating freedom turn into two days...or three, or a week! How we react to these days is what will make or break us! We need to learn how to emotionally suck it in, put it in the past and move foward! I know, I know, it's easier said than done!

I lost 1.6 pounds this week. I'm pretty happy with that! However, I'm pretty ticked off with myself.....because I came home and gorged myself on food. But I need to keep my thought from above in my head....the failure will come tomorrow if I continue gorging myself (or even in a few minutes or an hour) Maybe that's why what I wrote was so profound to me...because it really touches me and what I'm feeling right now!

The end of the weekend!

Well...after being so excited about my weight, it is rising again. Nope, I'm not upset. Afterall, I expect it...it's one of the bad things about weighing myself everyday. I have however been able to think about my last few days...the days that I actually went back up on the scales...and I can say that one day I had lots of sodium and the other lots of carbs. SO there you have it!

I've been having a blast trying new recipes! There are so many really good recipes out there! I'm trying to chose healthier options and also go more natural ingredients. There is nothing wrong with eating the prepackaged stuff...I just don't thnk it's as healthy for us!

Great thought to keep in mind

I'm part of a group that is motivational and supportive while I'm losing this weight. One of the gals went to her weight watchers meeting and came back and shared something her leader said. It is such a good thing to remember that I'm going to post it on my journal!

"She stated on the weeks we have a loss ... that's great. We have learned what needs to be done. On weeks that we have a gain, we too need to learn from that too. Each of our bodies are different. What works for some, doesn't for others. The whole process is learning what 'our' body needs.

But then she stated .... If we didn't do what needed to be done and had a loss what did that teach us? ... That we could cheat (as in ... not eating as we should) and not be punished on the scale. Well that is EXACTLY what I had been thinking lately. Over the holidays, I did overeat (I mean I REALLY ate more than I knew I should) and I lost each week (only .2, .6 and .8, but a loss is a loss) but one (which I gained only .6). So here I was thinking ... I can eat and still lose. I couldn't get that thought out of my head.

But when she posed that question, it had me thinking ... What did make me lose those weeks? It was me ... I have changed!!! I looked back in my journal(not that I had been keeping that like I need to either) ... I was still exercising, I was drinking my water, I was getting in all my fruits and veges, I was making healthier food choices like only eating half a slice of pie, smaller portions of things, by passing on things that were a normal part of my everyday eating (like not eating mashed potatos but eating the dressing and home-made noodles my mom only makes a couple times a year). "

I'm not sure how I'm doing right now. I think I'll be able to post a loss this week. Unless I do something royally stupid to mess it up! I'm hoping that I already dind't. I got home from tonight and carried all the groceries into the house. I started the dinner and finished putting the groceries away. It was 6:30 at that point when I realized that the dinner had to be in the oven for 45 minutes! I hadn't eaten since noon. I grabbed a sweet and salty bar...and then a 1 point weight watcher cake. Yes, healthier options, however still something that I really didn't need, nor did I have the points for it! I did exercise a bit after I ate!

Lesson in Healthy life eating!

Tonight I learned a few things. We've been trying to eat at home a lot more. It is for a couple reasons....we can save money by eating at home, we can control portions better, we are eating healthy foods...and more natural foods when we eat at home. So last night we decided that we were going to eat out tonight. I looked forward to it so much. It was such a treat. Well, we went to a nicer place. Yes, it was pricier...but it was soo good. I ordered a dinner. My food came and my first inclination was "this isn't going to be enough". The food was perfectly portioned as ONE serving...and not this massive amount of food. This dinner didn't come with a salad. I ate it and enjoyed every bite! AND, because Todd and I had eaten healthier options we were able to split a dessert! It was such a treat! I didn't feel stuffed...just satisfied when we left! I came home and exercised and just calculated my points for the day...I'm only 2 points in the hole....AND it will be the first two points I've used this week out of my flex points! I feel so very happy with my choices! I managed everything and was able to treat myself! THat's a pretty good deal! I guess that's how this lifestyle thing is supposed to work!

Friday Musings

My home scales are showing me down from where I was on Tuesday (weigh in day). SO I'm pretty happy! I just need to stay focused. A few weeks ago, I had a nice reading on the home scales and got complacent and gained it! I've got to learn to be diligent ALL the time! If I'm going to reach my goal and maintain that goal, I've got to learn to be on gaurd!

I've been buying some of the weight watchers snack stuff, the desserts (which I can do pretty well with). But I've been also buying the muffins and cakes. The cakes are one point. I know that I may have that left to eat in my daily points...however when I have them in the house, I need to learn to manage and not have one a day! That can't be good for me! Let me rephrase....the cakes are what I want one a day on. The muffins I can have a little more self restraint on....they are three points. I know that I don't lose as much when I eat a lot of high carb foods. It is just a fact.

Excuses or Facts?

I lost .4 pounds....so almost one half of a pound gone! FOREVER! I'm not too upset about it. Number one because it is a loss....even it if it is a small loss. But, it could have been worse. I'm getting over the 'ick' (TOM) and I was sick for a good portion of the week. Not sick enough to lose my appetite, unfortunately. Sick enough to stay in bed for two days.....and sick enough to stop exercising. I'm struggling with trying to get back into the swing of exercise! That's the goal for the week!

So, did I just fill us up with excuses or facts? I'd like to say facts and I refuse to feel like it is excuses. It is a fact of life that some weeks I'm not going to lose as much weight because of outside forces. I'd say I had a few outside forces!

What a week!

This has been a crazy week for my diet/lifestyle change. I ended up sick....that cold that I tried to ward off just didn't stay away and I ended up sick....flat on my back on the sofa. This means no exercise. Unfortunately, my appetite was not affected...so I just wanted to eat and eat and eat! I tried to keep it under control...however with the no exercise in conjunction with that, I'm not sure how my week will be. Oh well...no stress and worries! I knew this wasn't going to be easy every week! I knew that there would be little bumps! I'm just getting tired of all these little bumps I've been hitting lately! Oh yeah, I started to feel better and bam...the ick hits! (TOM). Double wammy this week. I guess though that it is better to get it all done with and out of the way ONE week instead of stretch the misery into two weeks!

No matter.....I WILL perservere!

Weigh in!

Weighed in tonight with a 2.2 pound loss! I'm tickled pink! I was thinking a maintain! Or at the very best a small loss! So I was pretty shocked at my loss! I'm pretty confident that I can have another loss this coming week....as long as I don't screw it up.. Because I wasn showing less on my home scales a few days ago and bounced up...so I should with patience go back down easily! I'm not even going to let the ick get me this month!

Skinny thinking versus fat thinking

I was at work today and Deb, the gal I worked with ran next door to the library. SHe came back with a few Hershey 100cal bars. She gave one to me and one to Russ. Well, Russ ate his and then tried to take my 100 calorie chocolate bar (which I'm saving for AFTER my weigh in). He said, "You don't need it, your skinny!" I just started laughing becuase I'm still considered obese! (ok, 10 pounds less and I'll be considered simply overweight...) I've got about 50 pounds more to lose! And yet he called me skinny! (he's overweight himself...and when I commented on his skinny remark he was like, "to me you are") But it made me think about and the remark that I made back to him...which was "I may be skinny but I've still got a fat girls brain" How true how true! And it is making me think....how can you break the 'fat thinking' cycle? Will I ever get past it...will I ever truely feel thin?

Good quote!

A quote from Kim Lyons from The Biggest Loser Workout 2 is "Pain is temporary, but quiting is forever." That has really struck me every time I've heard it! It goes along with my musings on Lance Armstrong. But it can also be the sadness I sometimes get over not being able to eat exactly what I want...or the quantity that I desire. But those feelings will pass.....but if I quit, it will be a forever thing.

I'm struggling...I don't see the results that I want to see...at least on my home scales. What is getting me is that three days ago, the results were right there on the scales....and now the results are no longer visible! What the......

Revelations

I've noticed, just recently ...when I've been gaining and losing those same three pounds over and over. (and I've done it in the past also). That I post a nice loss....then I get complacent, relaxing my gaurd. And it's all downhill from there. Becuase once I relax my gaurd, I don't make the right decisions...because I'm "treating myself" or "just once won't hurt" or whatever excuses my little 'fat' brain thinks up. So I gain. The next week I'm motivated and I eat healthy all week....and lose....and that next week once again I get complacent! Yes, I must be a slow learner...I just figured this out! :-) It is however a long road....but I can see a difference in how I feel and my family sees a huge difference in how I act and my countanence.....so it is very well worth it!

I bought myself a good digital scale. At least I hope it is good! I know that when I get to the maintain stage that I will need to be religious about stepping on the scales. I will need to know if I gain weight...because if I start gaining, then I need to pull myself back to the program. I also know that my dial scale is nice...but I need a very precise scale to really watch when I'm there! AND I need to be in the habit of doing it already!

100 pounds!

I started my weight loss journey and started tracking my weight on my home scales.......according to my home scales, this morning showed me at a 100 pound loss! Ok, that's over a few years...but still!!!!!

Musings about my weight loss

I've been thinking a lot recently about my weight loss and my emotions. I've been stumped as to why I cry a lot when I think about it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just so saddened by what I allowed to happen with my body. I basically commited a huge crime against my body. I allowed my weight to skyrocket to over three hundred pounds. THREE HUNDRED pounds! THat is 50% more than what my weight should be. I haven't had to lose just a few pounds...I have to lose a grand total of HALF of me! HALF of my starting body weight! That's incredible. No, that's despicable! I will also admit that some days, the thought of having to do this and watch everything I eat for the rest of my life is just so daunting that it saddens me. To realize that if I lose control for one week that I could start spiraling out of control again is just so scary that it moves me to tears! I miss eating what I wanted to and not worrying about every bite. I miss not having to journal every bite I eat. I miss it all....EXCEPT for my weight and the accompanying things that went with it...clothes that were too tight....being short of breath by just climbing a single flight of stairs....etc! Oh yeah, the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives, but I can't help being sad about it!

A while back I read Lance Armstrongs book...the first one. One of the things that I got from it was that his attitude had changed about training and riding his bike (obviously for the better since he went on to win Tour after tour). He alluded to the fact that when he was out training and even riding in the races that the pain was inconsequential. He had already lived through much worse pain AND the pain meant that he was alive and well. It made it easier for him to push through that pain to complete and do what he needed to do! I remembered that this morning whenI saw him interviewed on CNN...and all of a sudden it hit me. I need to exercise and workout with that mentality. No, I can't say that I've beaten down cancer and I've felt the pain and ravages of cancer....and I hope that I never do. BUT, each time I work out I should think about the pain that COULD come my way if I don't take every opportunity to strengthen my body through diet, exercise and healthy living. The pain of a strenuous workout should be welcomed and embraced simply becuase of what they are giving back to my body! And hopefully this new lifestyle will stave off some of these terrible illnesses (dibetes, blood pressure, etc etc etc)

Meanwhile, last night I was sooo craving something sweet and cakey! So I made a diet coke cake. It was yummy. Yes, I at one point shovelled cake into my mouth like a person starving. I did however get control of myself AND realized taht the cake in the kitchen was going to be too much temptation for me in the coming days. SOOO I packaged it up into packages containing two pieces (one for me and one for Todd) and I froze the packages and kept out enough for dinner! Out of sight, out of mind! For me, it is a temptation when it is out on the counter....impulse eats! This is frozen...and safe from those impulses....at least until I have another TRUE craving!

I was apprehensive when I stepped on the scale this morning....afterall, I had gorged myself on the cake. Before the cake eating I had ridden my bike for 30 minutes. BUT after the cake eating I did DDR for 45 minutess. Surprisingly enough, my weight was the same as yesterday morning! I do however know that I need to stay soooo on plan today! I don't want to use my flex points or anything today. I want to have a VERY good day! After yesterday I need to! Because I'm sure that two days in a row and the weight would start to rise! And that's NOT gonna happen!!!

I'm trying to stay back in the swing of exercising daily! I've done pretty good so far this week. I truely think that is where my weight loss is really based from! Yes, the eating is ultra important...but eating healthy alone .....very slow!

Weigh IN

I was scared....my last week as I've stated in previous posts was a little bit of a roller coaster ride. I lost big last week...and I celebrated. No, I didn't go out and have a whole cake. Heck, I didn't even have one piece of a cake. BUT, the choices that I made for the first 4 days after the weigh in were not good. I stayed within my points...but I did it by eating really odd. I would use 1 or 2 points for breakfast in the morning..... I ate one or two pieces of fruit for lunch...giving me a one or two point lunch. And considering I have 27 points for the day, I was ending up with Roughly 22 points to eat for dinner. That caused me to pull out all stops and eat what my heart desired. Yes, I stayed within my points...but it was lots of carbs (bread and potatoes) and very few fruits and veggies! And half way through the week, I saw that my weight had risen. Yes....like two to three pounds. It scared me. I didn't want to regain those same three pounds one more time! Heck, I'd already gained and lost them like 3 times! Anyway, I got myself in gear and tried to eat more wisely but I just feared it was too late to change the course of my week....I mean, three days to turn around 4 bad ones. So it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped on the scales last night at my meeting. I was hoping for a loss....crossing my fingers for a maintain....and praying that it wouldn't be a gain. I remained EXACTLY the same! I was so tickled! I know that I have to stay focused this week though. Becuase historically this last month I have had weeks were I maintained or lost or gained .1 or .2 and the next week I gained. I have to stay focused and really OP!

I'm proud that I turned myself around. I would have been pretty devastated to have gained again. I know that I would have caused it...but I'm so disgusted with the way this past month has gone....it's been a rocky road and an emotional one!

A nice ending to a bad start!

Half way through this past week I took stock and realized that I was eating out of control. Well, let me rephrase that. I was eating within points but I was making bad choices that made up those points. Around THursday I did this reevaluating and changed the rest of my week to make it healthier! I'm proud that I was able to pull it back together. I think it's a bit too late though for my weigh in. Am I going to give in...nope. I'm just going to stay strong for the next week!

I think one of the things I was doign wrong...I was eating so incredibly light for breakfast and lunch that it was leaving me 20-22 points for dinner. WAY too many....so I was able to have the 'bad' things but stay within the points. Not good!

Tonight I'm going to a meeting in which they always have dessert. It's a small group....so I know I most likely won't be able to resist. I do however have the flex points available...AND I have 8 AP's that I earned and haven't used today!

I still haven't gone back and read my 2006 entries. it think I REALLY need to do that. I think it will be good for me to reflect and see what worked...how I felt...what I was doing and how my body and pychee responded to it all!

OUCH

Exercised last night with the new Biggest Loser workout dvd. I've had the first one for some time and have used it....and liked it. So I was anxious to get the second one and use it. Last night was the big night! I chose about 50 minutes of stuff. Made it through the whole way through. Felt good, yep...worked up a bit of a sweat. Life was good. Wondered if it was really doing much....although I could feel it a bit during the squats and lunges. HOWEVER...today...eii yii yiii...sore sore sore! When I did it last night I didn't have my handweights handy so my arms didn't get the workout that they should have. SOOO tonight I worked out my core and arms!

Struggling right now...I really want to eat but have no points left! I've gone over by one point...however I did earn 2 AP's today (not many becaue 20 minutes of cardio...mod intensity and 20 minutes of weights....) I'll make it though...it's 9:30. Todd and i are going to head to bed to watch a movie in about 25 minutes!

Ate pretty good. Healthy stuff. I tried to curb my hunger about an hour or two ago by eating a clementine (actually 2....one point). It didn't work....I ended up eating a 100 calorie pack here a little bit ago. I'm proud that I tried the fruit first though!

Mental picture worth a thousand...

Tonight after dinner I was cleaning up the leftovers. I had decided to throw away what we weren't eating as it was something that wouldn't hold well...and neither of us would actually eat. SOOO....Todd had left and gone back to work and I found myself with the pan in my hand with a spoon greedily eating what was left in the pan. THe whole time I was standing over the garbage can poised to dump the contents. I was berating myself the whole time to dump the stupid contents....and I eventually did....but not before eating what probably amounted to an extra portion. Accckkk...where did my self control go???

Mental picture worth a thousand...

Whew!!!

I haven't eaten too utterly badly the last two days. BUT, I could have eaten better. Yes, I give myself a little leeway after my weigh in to eat 'what I want' and get it out of my system. However, today I kept mentally berating myself saying things like, "you would lose faster if you dind't do that" and "You sabataged this weeks weigh in....you may as well quit for this week". I know I need to break from that attitude. This diet/lifestyle is a change in how I think and how I eat and how I live my life. I REFUSE to deprive myself. I need to stop beating myself up for having those foods that I really love everyonce in a while. I need to keep telling myself that I'm not indulging very often and that when I do that it is not going to through my weight loss in a tail spin. The only thing that will throw it into a tailspin is if I do it ALL the time....and constantly!

That said...I was exercising earlier tonight (ok, I finally rolled myself into the living room and exercised at 9:15...just got done....it's 10:15.) and as I was exercising it came to me that all my XL clothes are starting to fit loosely! Inconceivable to me. Literally inconceivable. This from the girl that was wearing 3X clothes...some of which were tight! My mind is just having difficulty really accepting this. I know I've babbled about it a lot lately...it is just so mind boggling for me.

A New YEAR!

I can't wait to see where this year will take me in my weight loss journey! I plan on being at goal before the year is out! That is roughly 50 pounds! Well, that 50 pounds would take me to the top end of my my goal weight. I'm actually shooting for 60 pounds! I'm happy to say that this week I was able to lose 4.6 pounds! I've actually once again recouped my gain! This makes it the third time that I've lost these three pounds in a month! Lost...gained...lost...gained...and now lost again...WITH an extra pound lost! I refuse to gain those pounds again! PLUS, I'm 8.6 pounds away from being 200 pounds. Onderland is right around the corner!!!! I'm so close that I can taste it! Well...maybe I shouldn't use a food analogy! tee hee hee

Seriously though, I'm excited to see what this new year brings in my weight loss journey! I'm excited yet frightened. I was walking through the mall today and stopped in the clothing section. I was actually frightened of shopping. I know that my pants size is a solid 18..but that I can wear some 16's. However I was fingering the tops and this incredible feeling overcame me. I have no clue what size I am on the top. THEN it hit me. I was in the womens sizes....the fat ladies clothes. I've shopped there for so long (since I was about 13) that I dont' know anything else. I looked toward the 'regular' sizes but just couldn't make myself walk over. Yes, I know, I should have danced my way across that aisle and marched into that section because yes, I can wear a straight up xl now....and in some cases a Large. I didn't go. Maybe it was nostalgia. I think honestly it is fear of the unknown.

It just hit me....I need to stop thinking like a 'fat' girl. Yes, I've been overweight for more years than I care to admit. But I'm losing it....for the first time since I was in EARLY high school, I'm ready to shop (almost in some cases) ANYWHERE my heart desires. And sadly, I feel like an imposter. That's the best way to put it....an imposter. I couldn't go over into the normal sizes because I still think fat!