Time to Make the Donuts

 Do you remember that old commercial, I think it was Dunkin' Donuts?  The one where the actor was dragging themselves to work and saying "Time to make the donuts"?   Yup, that's me today, dragging myself out of bed and to work because vacation is over.  BOOOO!

As I had said previously,  we were off work for a week but we were not going anywhere.  We were having a staycation and had a few places and things in mind for some day trips.  

We went to Little Buffalo State Park.  It was a decent little park.  It's in the middle of nowhere (quite literally).   It had some historical sites to visit (none of the buildings were open because it was not in season) and some short hiking trails. They allow boating and fishing in the lake and they have a pool for use in the summer.  If I lived close it would be a nice place to hang out in the summer. I am glad we went, but I probably won't go back simply because it was an hour or more drive for us....and since we didn't fish or anything, we probably spent less time at the park then it took us to drive back and forth to it.  But it was a neat place to visit!

We also went to Gettysburg for a day and hit up a new museum that opened in the last few years.  It is called Beyond the Battle and is run by the counties historical society.  It talks about the history of Gettysburg before and after the battle.  It also does include the battle because that is a huge part of Gettysburg history.   We were intrigued with the room that they have set up that you can go in and experience in a controlled manner what it must have felt like to be in a house during the battle with cannon blasts shaking the house, bullets flying around and going through the house.  It was sobering.   I took no pictures at that museum...simply because I forgot!    

We also hit up the Jennie Wade House.  Jennie Wade was the only Civilian killed during the battle and the house where she was killed is a museum.  I had visited this years ago, Jason had never visited.  So it seemed a perfect place to visit.  It was a great tour because we were literally the only people so we had a private tour with the tour guide.  That is always nice!

 We went to Frederick for a day.  We walked through some of our old haunts and favorite stores.  We also walked around downtown.  One day we actually went to the Aviation Museum in Hagerstown.  It's one of those things that it's in your own backyard so you kind of forget about visiting it.  But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was well done and they have a nice collection of artifacts depicting the history of aviation in Hagerstown (Fairchild).  

We did some other minor things and spent some time working on tasks around the house (the gutters are nice and cleaned out now.........etc)

But alas, the time is over and it's not time to get back to normal.   

SO how did I do with my weight?  Not great!   There were desserts such as edible cookie dough, ice cream, cakes and cookies.   There were lots of dinners out.  There was nothing tracked!   But I usually ate a breakfast/brunch at home and then the dinner out.   So my eating was more limited and I wasn't eating all day long.    I drank next to NO water and drank pop all week long!  Not good!   As I said my weigh in this morning wasn't all that great.  But in reality it wasn't all that bad either!   I gained 2 pounds.   Yes, any gain is not good, but lets be honest.  I have gone on vacation before and gained 10 pounds in a week.  So 2 pounds?   I will take it!!!! (I delayed the weigh in until my first day back to work, when vacation was officially over) 

Meanwhile, I have my water jug/tumbler/container ready to go with me to work.  My lunch is packed.  I have my day planned out.  I've already been for a walk with the dog AND I have already exercised for 25 minutes! I gained two pounds and that's bad enough but I accept it because it WAS vacation, but darned if I am going to allow more to come on now that vacation is over!

Tenuous Hold

 I should have realized that the 'sadness' that has been prevalent in my life for the last few years was going to return.  I honestly can look back and see that there were signs of the impending doom.  However, it came as a total surprise because it hit during a time when I should be feeling hunky dory for a variety of reasons.

Lets talk about the good first. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday morning.   I was down on the scales.  I was down by another  3 pounds.  That means that in the last three weeks I have dropped 4.2 pounds. Yay me!!!!

 

The end of work last night also signified the beginning of vacation.  I normally don't talk about vacation until it's over because I don't like to announce the fact that my house will be empty while we are away. But this is a staycation with day trips and activities planned for each day, so my house will not be empty and even the day trips will have us departing and arriving home at random hours.  So yeah....vacation has arrived.  Hip Hip Hurray!

So why did I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last night a few minutes after arriving home from work crying my eyes out?   Well the official reason  was that I forgot the potato chips! Yes, potato chips.   I had to work until 6:15 and decided that the kitchen was closed for dinner.  so when I left work I dropped an online order for dinner.  Subs.....turkey for me.  Everything went well, I stopped to pick them up and grabbed myself a drink and then went home.  I was taking everything out of the bag when I realized that I had forgotten to grab potato chips.  Queue the tears.   

The potato chips were just the icing on the cake.   It's been a rough week for me.  I've made it no secret that I have struggled with my emotions in the last months and years.  As I sit here and type I think about some of those visits to mom in the last year or so of her life.  There were times where mom just looked at me and knew I wasn't OK.  I tried so hard to hold it together when I was with her, but I would just sit and cry.  Mom was safety....comfort.....love.    I feel like for years I was holding on by the skin of my teeth...even before mom died.....and after her death it was just even worse.    I vowed that the new job would be my new start and I've honestly been doing really good since starting my new job.   

I was confident that I had turned the corner.  I've been sleeping good and honestly just have felt so much lighter emotionally.  This past week the sleepless nights returned.  I honestly thought it was the time change wreaking havoc on my sleep.   I even thought at first that the tears last night over the missing potato chips was due to sleep deprivation, I have always been one that cries when I'm super tired.  (Although I don't feel super tired, I knew that my sleep wasn't that great.)  But as I laid in bed last night at midnight (and 1AM...and 2 AM....etc) I recognized that my issue wasn't a general issue with being on the old time zone because my mind was RACING!  I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't turn my mind off.  And that is when I knew that the tenuous hold I had on my peace had slipped.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

  I can't change some things.  I can't bring my my mom back.  I can't erase the period of unemployment.  I can't change most of what causes that heaviness of my soul resulting in my mind racing.  But I CAN focus on the good in my life.  I can remind myself that it could be oh so much worse.  I can focus on the beauty in life.  

So moving forward that is exactly what I will be doing.  Focusing on the beauty of life and focusing on changing that which CAN be changed.    We have plans for our week off and maybe it was my subconscious reminding me to look for the beauty in our world but these last few days I kept thinking and saying to myself "MaryFran, get your camera out and the batteries charged so that you can take your good cameras......dive into photography during your time off".   Photography saved me once before....it forced me to not look at the negative and sadness and instead focus on the beauty in the world.  So this vacation may be a lot about photography amidst our travels.    As for the change.  Yes, I have lost 4.2 pounds in three weeks, but it should be more (especially at my current weight)......my healthy endeavors is something that I can change.  I may not be able to change what the scales say (because those things are fickle!) but I CAN change my efforts!

  

 

 

Rock Bottom

 I was out walking the dog yesterday morning.  Jason had a bad headache so I was out by myself and therefore had music playing.   As I neared the end of my walk a song by Jelly Roll.  ‘Wining Streak’  the song is actually about an addict that is at rock bottom and takes those steps to change the course.

The song has been on the radio for however long and I was familiar with the song…enough to sing and hum along.  But it wasn’t until I was on my walk that I really started to pay attention to the lyrics….what made me stand up and take notice was the line about being at the end of the rope.   As the song played in the crisp fall temps while I walked I thought about rock bottom.   I am I rock bottom?   I sure as hell hope so.  I don’t want my weight to spiral further.  I don’t want my fitness levels to get any worse.  But as I walked I realized that rock bottom doesn’t hit until the change starts and the climb out of the pit begins.  I am hopefully at rock bottom….and it’s time to rebuild.   

Even as I made this revelation in my mind the song continued to play.   My mind picked up the chorus.  I listened and really thought about it.  It talks about the shame…. (Yes yes yes, I am so ashamed to be at this weight…again!). But it talks about how  someone who had been in his shoes before (and was 20 years clean)  said that everyone here has felt the same because no one comes to this place on a winning streak.

It just made me realize that shame shouldn’t have any place in my mind……

We got up an antique store this weekend…..of course I got a picture of me in an antique hat!   One of Jason too!

Wash Rinse Repeat

 We all know, that consistency is the key to success.   Wash Rinse Repeat....over and over and over again until you reach your goals.  But what about the wrong kind of consistency?   Wash Rinse and Repeat can also be extremely harmful because consistency with something that is not beneficial can and will create problems.

That is exactly what I faced this past week.   I didn't set any clear cut plan and instead went to follow my loosey goosey plan to get things under control. I still hold firm with my loosey goosey plan to reduce calories but not to start fanatical about it.  It should have gone swimmingly well. However it didn't and I honestly consider myself incredibly lucky to have even pulled out the maintain on the scales.    So what did I do?  I messed up my lunches, in terms of calories.

 So what has typically worked for me is for me to plan on one full meal a day.  This is the meal that I cook for us.  (This week we had lasagna, chicken sandwiches, fish and chips (well I had leftovers that night since I don't eat fish), and pesto chicken.  Nothing out of the ordinary....but full meals...including veggies and whatnot.)  For the other meals in each day what I have found that works for me is to eat a lighter meal....honestly more snacky than anything else.  (Lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, etc)  This has ALWAYS worked for me.  It is just how I have found a way to manage my calories (or points when I was WW).   That works for me on a typical day (I will eat more for lunch if we are hiking or biking or doing something really active).  

This week I defaulted to what I WANTED to eat for lunch instead of what I knew was healthy for me.  I ate leftovers every day.....normal sized servings of leftovers!   I didn't follow the routine that has typically always worked for me and I did it  day in and day out. Yet I expect changes to occur.  Changes can't occur if I am not being the change. 

So yeah, I did a wash rinse repeat of old habits this week......and I consider myself lucky to have escaped the week with a maintain!  

 Halloween was fun.  Zoey of course looked smashing in her costume!

 

And of course I rocked out my costume.....I was a domino.  Actually all of my coworkers were dominos....but here I am as a domino! 

Happy Halloween

 Halloween has come up on fast!   I have a costume for my dog….but failed to actually put it on her!   My goal is after work tonight!   If not, well I will have her costume for next year!!! 

Halloween also marked a weigh in day for me.  I maintained.  A maintain is better than a loss. But it’s not what I wanted or needed or SHOULD be seeing at this juncture!   

I know what I have done.  I switched up my lunches…..and they are a higher calorie lunch.   Nutritious but higher calorie.  So I know what I did ‘wrong’.   And I’m ok with that.   I’m just playing with my routines to see what my body likes at my current age.  Lesson learned!

Now off to celebrate Halloween with my work peeps….we will all be decked out in similar costumes and have a potluck planned (we are doing a taco bar).  

The Scale and their hold over me

  

 Queue the dark ominous music to play when I say "the scales".  Because that is what I is playing in my head when I think about the scales and weighing myself.   

A few posts ago I decided that I was going to weigh myself once a week.  I am typically someone that weighs daily.  Ok, at least when I am doing well with my healthy lifestyle, when I'm back sliding I tend to 'forget' to weigh myself.  I like daily weigh ins but the scales have not been moving consistently and they have become more of a disappointment to me.  So to combat that disappointment I decided to weigh once a week.  Good idea right?   

I did great with not weighing at first.  I didn't miss it and I looked forward to seeing what the scales would say on my weekly weigh in.  But this week the scale boogeyman has reared his ugly head.  I find myself thinking about my weight.  I find myself pondering my progress.  I find myself panicked over a lack of progress.  At times it's almost seems like I am obsessing about it.  Whatever it is, it's not cool.

I don't want to be ruled by the scales.  I want to lose weight for sure, but I want to be 'normal'.  I don't want to live and die by the number on the scales.  I don't want to obsess.  I don't want to panic about what they may or may not say.  

The problem is that I have had a LONG time.....so many years....of living and breathing the scales and what the scales tell me.   It's ingrained within me.  It's part of who I am.  But this time I am making my 'get healthy mission' one of improving MaryFran with not just my weight but also my mental approach to live, my physical body, my emotions...the whole kit and kaboodle.  And that means that I need to get a grip on this scale obsession. 

Weighing daily is not a bad thing (once a day...not multiple times...thank heavens I don't do that!).  Weighing weekly is not a bad thing.  Weighing monthly...or never at all is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thins is the obsession, the panic and the fear.  What is bad is living my life and making my decisions daily on what the scales say.  What is bad is allowing what the scales say to dictate how I feel about myself.  THAT is bad.   So for now, I am resisting the urge to step on the scales.   I am accepting that the scales may be up on my next weigh in.  If that is the case, then I will tweak and change my food intake. (I am trying different things for my lunches.)  But the most important thing is that I will not obsess in the meantime.  

My loosey Goosey Plans for Weight Loss

 It has been about 10-12 days since I decided to take control of my weight issues and actually do something about it.   I didn't make any huge vows to start big and drop my calories to a certain level.  I didn't make any great plans to exercise for such and such length of time.  I didn't even promise to drink a specified amount of water.  I simply said that I was going to work to track my food and come what may. 

That is what I did.  I tracked my food.  Period. The end.  I did nothing else to further my weight loss.  I was just bluntly honest with my tracking (including the cough drops that I inhaled like candy due to this never ending cough).   I simply tracked my food.  Now historically speaking, I do tend to tighten the belt with my calorie intake when I am tracking.  That is due to a combination of being cognizant of what I am eating  but also the feeling of not wanting to have to admit what I really ate.  I am sure that happened this last week.  And I will say that I dropped 2.1 pounds.   A victory because any loss is a victory.    

My weekend was only so so in terms of my eating.....but I tracked it.    With that said, I know that it is time to tighten the belt so to speak.  It is time to roll into phase two of making small changes in my habits to enact a change within my body.    So what change will it be this week?   Water consumption?  Exercise?  What shall it be!

I would love it to be exercise, however I am still battling this crud that started about a week and a half ago.  The dry hacking cough is now a wet loose cough that produces nothing and just rattles my chest.  (Yeah, so much fun....note the sarcasm!)  During this weekend I was outside doing a few things in the yard such as carting lawn furniture to the shed, pulling tomato cages and trellis' from the garden and dragging in hoses.......basically winterizing the yard.  I noticed that while I felt fine (other than the cough) when I started doing the work, after a bit of anything more than a simple walk (anything strenuous) that my  chest would tighten up and hurt.  (Which is honestly no wonder with all this coughing and hacking that I am doing).   So exercise is not really in the cards for me right now.  I will continue my daily walks with the dog....and maybe even throw in one on my lunch break here and there (which I do on occasion.),  But exercise, not a focus at the moment.

Water?  Should it be water?   Nope, I am letting that one evolve on it's own.  

Instead of those things, my next focus will be on lowering my calories.  Like before I am not vowing to eat at a certain level of calories.  I am not promising to never have cake.  I will not be attesting to eating a certain amount of fruits and veggies or upping my protein into the stratosphere.  I am not promising anything.  I am just saying that it may be time to make an effort to reduce my calorie consumption and to eat as nutritiously as possible.   

Yes, I know that my plan is extremely loosey goosey.  I know it's crazy and unorganized.  I know that it's not scientific.  But I know that it's what I need at the moment.  I have been writing this blog for almost 20 years.  I have made the vows and the promises over and over for years upon years.  And it hasn't worked.  I have studied and practiced the art form of weight loss for those same years (longer really, because I was working on weight loss before I started this blog)......so I know what needs to be done.  I have written scads of words about it.  I have even posted videos for years  on youtube about my weight loss efforts.  Yet I have struggled for so many of those years. (I have also had victorious years and posts thank heavens.)  But the promises.  The challenges.  The goals.  The plans.   They haven't worked in recent years, so it's time to do something totally different.  It's time to  throw out the guide and do something totally different.   And here we are...it's time to be loosey goosey. 

I have been utterly lax with taking pictures of my days and life, so there is no picture to accompany my loosey goosey post.  So I will leave you with a pictures of my Goofy Gus, otherwise known as Zoey, our dog!

9/19/2025  Her 3rd birthday

 

 

Lazy bum sleeping on the couch

Staring me down