Doing My Best

Are we ever really satisfied with our efforts?  Or are we as humans destined to always think we could do better?  Furthermore….is there always a bit more in the tank where we could do better…if we just tried?

Where in the world did this thought about my efforts come from?  Last night I sat down to eat my planned dinner and I was perfectly fine with my voice.  However, when I was done eating what I had planned I was still hungry!  I went to the kitchen and ate grabbed something else.   I never ate to the point of feeling sick, or even to the point of feeling stuffed.  So I knew that I had not overeaten.  Yet I sat there afterward beating myself up for the extra food. I had made my best effort and then I wasn’t happy with it.  In hindsight, I realized that my calories and food levels were way too low and it’s no wonder that I was hungry.   I realize my error in that I turned to higher calorie foods (not junk food…but higher calorie leftovers that were in the fridge).  But that didn’t make me feel any better.  I still felt like a failure.  

But in the heat of the moment I did my best.   And you know what else I also did?   I soooooo badly wanted something sweet after I ate dinner.  And guess what?  I knew I didn’t need it and I resisted.   I did my best and that is a win!

But why do we beat ourselves up over eating something not planned.  Why do we beat ourselves up for our mistakes.   Why do we demand perfection?  Perfection is not easily attainable.  It’s also not easily maintained.  Yet we strive for perfection and when we don’t achieve it we call ourselves failures.  What in the world is wrong with us.   (And yes, this segues into real life for me right now…I’m not just talking about my weight loss journey!)

I have been long intrigued with some of these extreme ultra running events.  In particular the ‘Barkley Marathon’ and the ‘Backyard Ultra’. These races are devious!   The Barkley is once a year.   Quite a few years they don’t even have anyone finish because it is that difficult.   The participants are faced with a grueling course (that they run 5 times….with 12 hours to complete each lap).  These runners are put through a physical and mental test that few can do….because few can push themselves past their best to dive into the reserves.  Likewise the Backyard.  It’s a race where participants run a 4 mile loop and they have an hour to do it.   Not bad eh?  But the top of hour two they line up and run it again.  At the top of hour three they line up and run lap three….for hours…and DAYS they start at the top of each hour to run their next lap of four miles.  The last man standing after everyone else has dropped out is the winner.    Talk about the tank being empty and drawing from that well of hidden reserves!

Those races totally intrigued me and I think it’s because sure, those participants want to win….but when you watch interviews with these people  it’s the victory of pushing your body to the limit…seeing what your body and mind can do.  It’s accomplishing the insurmountable!

In 2024 history was made with the Barkley marathon.  The first woman finished the race.   She was not first….she was not the second one to cross the finish line.  She was the fifth person and crossed the line with seconds to spare before the cut off!  Yet the world went crazy!  She lost!  Yet ahe gave everything she had and she was excellent!  (And while there were five finishers that year…some were repeat finishers….in the grand scheme of the Barkley there have only been 20 finishers in the last 20-30 years!)

I want to be excellent….I want to give my all and then some.  But I need to give up the hang up about perfection.  Being perfect didn’t get that woman across the line in fifth place…being her best did!

7 Days

 Seven days.  Seven days of commitment.  Seven days of sickness (ok, maybe six for that).  The week may not be perfect, but it’s been seven days!  

Seven (ish) days of Sickness

I am so sick of coughing!  It started about a week ago with waking up with a hoarse and raspy voice.  Followed by waking up with a sore throat.  Both of those symptoms dissipated throughout the days. But each morning they were back.  Hello sinus drainage!  But then about day 3 I picked up a cough.   A dry hacking cough.  Still, I am reasonably sure it is caused by the sinus drainage irritating my throat and whatever else it irritates.  (It surely irritates me mentally!). Thankfully, I don’t feel bad.  If anything maybe a bit more tired.  I know I napped a bit more than normal over the weekend.  But that could be due to the cough keeping me awake all night!   I have no runny nose, no continual sore throat, no sore ears, no aches and pains, no fever….just this drainage and cough.  I caved and started taking a cough suppressant to sleep, which helped.  I also take some through my work day…which also helps.  I hate taking meds but dang…..this cough is enough to drive me crazy!    And I sit here coughing like all get out, so I will be taking it again this morning!

Seven Days of Commitment

This morning I started my day by opening MyFitnessPal and entering in my planned food for the day.  I got the celebration notification that I have tracked for 7 days.  Go me!  Seven days of commitment to this journey.  I haven’t been perfect.  My calories are above where I typically like them to be.  But my calories are at least close to where I want them to be, which right now I am calling a win.  (I notice that each day I am getting closer and closer without any huge deprivation or struggle…it’s happening naturally!). I have had some victories, such as not touching the candy jar at work.  (The candy jar had become a huge habit!). I have not been perfect.  I did have a cupcake at work the other day.  However, I tracked each and every bite.  I even tracked the cough drops that I am utilizing for the aforementioned cough.  Brutal honesty with myself. 

I don’t really like tracking. I would love to be free as a bird and not have to pay any attention to my food intake. Free as a bird obviously doesn’t work for me!  I need that dose of reality to remind me exactly what I am eating.  And as I am seeing from these last seven days, just being cognizant of what I am eating and the fact that what I eat has to go into the tracker (no ifs ands or buts) seems to really resonate within me!   

Here is to seven more days!!! Seven more of tracking that is…the cough can go to H. E. Double hockey sticks!

Being Honest With Myself

How honest are we with ourselves?  I like to think that I am an honest person.  In fact, I would say that I pride myself on my complete honesty.  Admittedly, I may word things in such a way that it is not a lie but rather emphasizes the truth while hiding the negative, but it is true. But with myself...and my weight loss journey I sometimes have not been completely honest with myself.  And yes, it hurts me to admit it!   And even worse, this is not the first such post!  You can read how I was dishonest with myself from way back in 2013 here.  Sadly, I am not alone.  I imagine that most everyone on a weight loss journey has lied to themselves.

 

We lie about what we are eating when we are gaining weight.  A closet eater is hiding how much they are eating...putting a false/lie front to the world saying 'I don’t know why I'm gaining , do you see me eating any cakes, candy or cookies?'  While on the journey have you ever fudged your tracking...skipped putting on those bites licks and tastes (the BLT's)?   what about that handful of potato chips that you nibbled on while making dinner....the sliver of butter you added to your toast...I mean, it’s only 32 calories, does it really matter?

 

I need to admit that I have done it! sometimes it’s been an oversight that causes me to 'lie' to myself.  Sometimes it is a plain 'if I don’t write it then I must not have eaten it mentality. But that’s a lie!  (That particular lie usually proceeds a cease and desist from tracking all my food.) 

 

Lies can be about the exercise we are doing.  The intensity or the time spend exercising.  Lies can be about water consumption.  'Why yes I drank 64 ounces yesterday!'  But what about the half cup of ice that remained.  (True story...my Yeti tumblers always have ice in them at the end of the day....which means that I didn’t drink the FULL amount that they hold.  (Love love love mine...I actually have a few of these and have my eye one a new one/different color.)

 

So let’s face it.  we lie in weight loss journeys.  Lies and mistruths are what got us to obesity. Lies are what keep us in the obese category.  But who is that lie hurting?  Myself!  Furthermore, does the world really believe the lie that someone is eating perfectly when they are 100 pounds overweight?  (Or even 50 pounds...or 20!) Weight related lies only hurt the liar…and are visible for the world .  There is no poker face for this lie...our bodies reveal the truth.

 

where did this come from?  Yesterday morning I entered my food for the day into myfitnesspal.  I was happy with the calorie count for the day.  i headed to work and I had my planned lunch.   i even looked at the candy jar that my coworkers were digging through and walked on by.  no candy for me!  (true story)  But around midafternoon I noticed a flurry of activity out on the teller line and one gal hurried out the door.  I ambled out of my office to see what was happening. The financial advisor that services our branch was at our location and they had just discovered it was his birthday.  Luckily grocery stores carry readymade birthday cakes!   Yes, I had a cupcake.  Last night i had a moment where I seriously thought about not entering it into my tracker.   And I didn’t do it...if it’s not tracked then i must not have happened right??? So, I didn’t track it...until this morning!  This morning as i was getting ready to enter today’s food I realized my omission for what it was.... a straight up lie to myself. I backtracked and added that cupcake!   I also added a pile of cough drops.... because cough drops are my savior right now!!!  (I think it’s just sinus drainage causing the tickle that causes my dry hacking cough.... who knows.... but cough drops are my best friend).  Am I being silly about adding my cough drops....one is only 10 calories...but what about the fact that i had 10....or 20!  10 cough drops is 100 calories...20 is 200!!!  I think it was closer to 10...so that is what i went with!

 

It is time to be honest with myself. It is time to hold myself to the same standards about lies that i hold for all other aspects of my life.  It is time to be honest!

The Memory Quilt

It has been no secret that I have been struggling with my emotions in the recent years.  It makes sense, I have had a lot of traumatic events happen.   It's been a roller coaster.  It's been difficult and I've really struggled.  As I started to put the pieces of my life and my emotions back in check I stumbled on a hobby that I have dabbled in over the years and in the process have been working on a project that truly has e delighted.  A memory quilt!

In June I went on a gals weekend with my friend Linda.  It was just what the doctor ordered.  It was a weekend of laughter.  It was a weekend of healing.  It was a weekend of building our friendship stronger.  When we past a fabric/quilt shop we knew we had to visit!   We both have dabbled with quilting in our lives.  While there we saw some fabric that actually was designed with the New River Gorge Bridge.  We decided to buy the fabric and the complimentary fabrics and to each make a block to commemorate our trip.  We talked about how we could buy fabric and make a block for each girls weekend/vacation we go on.   It was a great idea and I was hooked!

I came home with my fabric and I made the quilt block for our girls weekend.  I had enough fabric left over  that I made a second block for the "New River Gorge".  I had always wanted to create a memory quilt and I now had my first block completed...almost.  I embroidered the dates for when Jason and I visited NRG and voila the first block was complete.  

The block that started it all

I loved the process and couldn't wait to work on the next block!  I went out and perused the fabric at a local fabric store and bought the fabric for the next block.  I had so much fun that it took no time at all for that block to be finished.  I bought the fabric for the next block.  And in that way I have made my way through almost all the blocks I need for my memory quilt! 

Of course our animals deserve their own blocks!

 

I have been creating this quilt as I go.  Each block is a unique pattern (ok, I do duplicate some patterns here and there).  Each block is unique in fabrics, although I do try to include at least one fabric that was used elsewhere in the quilt into each block.   Each block depicts something special, or an event, or a thought from the first 10 years of the relationship of Jason and I (yup, we are at the 10 year mark).  

When we were first dating we spent a lot of time at a cafe talking....the cafe had a purple couch.

 As I have been creating the blocks I have formed my idea of how this quilt is going to work.  I always knew that each block would be totally unique and individualistic.  For a bit I pondered including some of the negative events.....my dad's death,  the passing of mom, the car accident that took Jason's daughter...those truly heart breaking events.  I thought about making blocks to depict the loss of my job, my health scare,   mom's stroke, or Jason's run in with an axe.   But I knew that while they were part of what I am and what these last 10 years together have been...I didn't want to put the sad memories into this quilt. 

Of course there is a block for each of us that has our names and birthdays

But how can I just ignore those things.  They are part of us.  They are part of our years.  That is when I decided to add in half blocks randomly throughout the quilt. These half blocks are not pieced quilt blocks, they are corresponding fabrics (and leftover fabric) from the pieced blocks.  You see, if I left all the blocks  perfect 12 inch squares the quilt would be totally linear popping from one good memory to another.  But life is not linear.  So I am placing those half blocks of fabric randomly to acknowledge that life is not linear and that there are roadblocks. There are sad events.  There is heartache.  I am not putting in a specific number of half blocks. Well, I am in that I have a certain number that need to be there to create the quilt.  But I have refused to look at a half block and think, "that represents my dad.....or mom...or jasons daughter."   The memories and love for those people will always be with us and we don't need a quilt block to remember.  

A block to indicate our apartment that we first lived in (with address)

In the dead center of the quilt I have always planned to have a large block (my plan was  24x24 but now that I am working on it, I think I'm going to have to adjust that ....which means the other blocks will need to be adjusted...but that's ok because I have some ideas on how to adjust).  This super large block will be a block created with the double wedding ring pattern.  My plan is 4 rings of the double wedding ring.   This is the only quilt block in the quilt that will not have unique fabrics.  All of the pieces of the double wedding ring will be created with random pieces from all of the other blocks.  All of the events depicted in the quilt combine in fabric to create our union in the double wedding ring.  

We have hiked a lot of trails off of Skyline Drive in Shenandoah National Park

I have completed all of my blocks and all of the half blocks. (I am doing a quilt as you go approach.....if you are interested in quilting and have wondered when you look at my blocks.)  I am currently piecing the double wedding ring segment.  As I said earlier the pattern was larger than I thought so I will most likely have to adjust some things on the quilt....but I have a plan in my head of how to make a larger center block work!

Working on the quilt has been good for me in so many ways.  It has allowed me to be creative (which is something I truly enjoy).  It has allowed me to revisit the past and look at the good that has happened in life versus dwelling on the negative.   It has also given me a project that fills my time.  It has been a blast!  As I near the end I wonder what will come next........ 

The Trap

 I came dangerously close to falling into a trap yesterday. Yes, a diet trap, they are real and they are prevalent in our society.   What diet trap did I almost succumb to?  I almost started to think in terms of co-ncrete goals with finite time limits to reach them!   Ohhhh my, yes I did, but I caught myself just in time!  I actually started to put a finite time goal on a certain amount of weight loss.

 I actually said to myself "I can lose 25 pounds by Christmas/New Years".  That is roughly 25 pounds in 2.5 months.  What was I thinking???? 

 I don't think having goals and a finite time to reach said goals is a bad thing.  It's not bad at all...when you have 100% control over the results.   The 75 Hard challenge that I did a while back was one such good goal to set.  (You can read about the beginning of my 75 hard journey and what 75 Hard is here.)  It was a challenge in which I had to physically do certain things each day for a very finite length of time.   Reaching the goal was only reliant on my willpower and my actions.  A perfect goal.   

Weight loss on a finite time period is not a good goal...for me.  I know that people frequently say "I want to lose such and such amount of weight by this or that event" and that is fabulous if it motivates you.  But A finite time period for weight loss is NOT a good thing for me, and I suspicion a good thing for a lot of people.  You see, sometimes our best efforts at weight loss result in large losses each week. But sometimes our efforst results in smaller losses.  Sure it's always calories in calories out.   So figuring it out on paper,  if you eat in a deficit you should be able to correctly adjust and manage to have the correct loss needed in order to meet your goals.....but life isn't a math equation on paper.  Building muscle in your body can alter weight loss......it can make you lose faster....yet building that muscle can actually cause the scales to pop up a bit even as your waistline shrinks.  Conversely, if you lose muscle the opposite happens.   A holiday or celebration can slow down the loss while conversely a stomach flu could speed it up.  The variables are a plenty in a weight loss journey.   And variables are ok...but they can wreak havoc on a finite time period for a goal.

As soon as I uttered the goal of losing 25 pounds by Christmas I came to my senses.  No No NO!  I am working to heal emotionally, mentally and physically.  Putting possibly unreal expectations upon myself is not a healing behavior.    Furthermore,setting a goal of losing 25 pounds in 10 weeks is doable (at my weight) but would require absolute precision and perfect conditions in life and in my body.  Perfection is way overrated.  Life is not perfect so why we aim for perfection and then get upset when we don't reach it is a mystery I will always ponder.  But I know perfection is not what I am aiming for....because if I am for perfection I will certainly hit a week....or two..or three where I don't have the perfect weight loss and then I will be faced with the prospect of being physically unable to reach my goal of 25 pounds in 10 weeks.  And when that happens, it's way too easy to be demoralized and to give up.

 

Giving up is not an option at this time.  So I am refusing to set any type of finite goal in terms of weight loss.  If I lose 1/2 pound a week and it takes me a year to lose that 25 pounds, then so be it....I am still losing!  But if I manage to string together 10 perfect weeks where I lose 2-3 pounds (doable at my current weight) and I manage to lose the 25 pounds by Christmas...... awesome.  But I am not planning...aiming for....hoping for....expecting it. I am not falling into a trap!  My goal is simply to put my best efforts out there and see what happens! 

 Now to keep reminding myself of this fact, because human nature keeps spitting this thought into my head. "Be at such and such weight by Christmas........A great goal would be to lose such and such by Christmas.......2 pounds a week would be this amount of weight by christmas'.  But no no no, not gonna do it! 

Movement in the Right Direction

 I am still in the game.  I know it's only been two days of feeling present and ready to tackle this journey again, but I honestly feel good about where I am.  Now don't get confused, I didn't say that I was perfect during these last two days but I feel as if I have taken some steps toward a healthier and thinner me.  I am moving in the right direction.  I still have no promises to make, but I do have one or two concrete plans for the future as I move forward.

A Non-Perfect Victory

Yesterday I wrote that I was not going to promise that there would be no candy after my lunch.  (you can read about that habit and my post from yesterday here.)   I also mentioned in that same post that I would be navigating a lunch at work where we were ordering out and that I would track it.   I am proud to say that I DID track the whole day.   As I suspected my calories were over where I have always wanted them to be.  However, I am so proud to say that I did NOT have any chocolate after my lunch.  I am also extremely proud to announce that I ordered a salad.  Yes, in terms of calories; a chef salad with dressing may have been just as many calories as a sandwich and fries (or at least the sandwich with no fries)  BUT I filled my body with nutritious food versus empty calories!  I call that a victory!

 

Change in the Scales 

 I used to weigh myself every day.  I have come on here so many times over the years and expounded about and defended my position.  (You can read some of those posts here and here ).  I still hold to the belief that weighing every day is a fabulous tool.  I learned so much about my body by weighing every day.  I learned the effects of a super high sodium meal and how much I should expect to pop up on the scales after such a meal.  I learned that my body weight will spike two days after a larger caloric day. I was able to identify signals within my body that indicated changes on the scales. Weighing daily taught me so much.  Furthermore, when the scales are trending downward each and every day, a daily weigh in is fabulous as it keeps you motivated.

However, the scales do not cooperate and move for me the way that they did when I was in my 30's when I lost the weight the first time.   The scales don't even operate the way that they did when I was in my 40's.  The older I get the more difficult it is to move the scales in the right direction, so it seems.  At the very best it is freakishly slow movement.   I know weight loss  can be achieved at my age, but it is slower and a whole lot less linear.  It's part of aging and that is ok.  But that change in how I am losing is demoralizing.  When I am demoralized, that is when I give up and say "who cares, I am eating what I want since eating right for the last however many days didn't make a difference'....and thereby I display no consistency in my efforts.   So I am switching to weekly weigh ins.  I will be weighing myself once a week, Saturday mornings is the plan right now. Other than that one weigh in day, I am not planning on stepping onto the scales.  Weekly weigh ins for now!

I will throw in the caveat that when (not if....WHEN) I reach my goal, and maybe even earlier when I get closer to that goal that I may go back to daily weigh ins.  I do still fervently believe that it is a good way to watch what is happening and is a great way to stop a gain before it gets out of control!

 She Will Not Fail

My last change is within this website/blog and you may have already guessed what this change will be.    I have been writing on here for almost 20 years.  (Yes, I wrote my first post on Jan. 5, 2006).  I have long known that when I am posting that I am more focused and more in tune with my weight loss journey.  Writing on here has long been my accountability. (And readers have been my motivation, inspiration and cheerleaders.)  

This change came about a while ago as I sat back and KNEW that I had to do something and do it NOW (and not tomorrow).  I turned to prayer, heavily asking for help with my weight and asking for help with my emotional angst.   In the midst of those beseeching prayers I happened to read a post from someone that I have followed for years. (Sweat & Sparkle – Taking this journey back to me, my health, my happiness).  She has struggled with a lot of the same things that I have encountered, the death of a mother, weight loss, weight gain, etc.  And she shared a scripture that has been speaking to her lately.   "God is within her, she will not fall, God will help her at the break of day." (Psalm 46:5)  Yes yes yes.....perfect bible verse for where I am at.  

 

She also challenged her self to write more frequently as she works through healing her body mind and spirit.   Now this is a challenge that makes sense to me and that I can get behind.  So while I was already coming her because I know it's good for me, I"m all on board with joining her on her challenge and accepting it as my own!

Looking to the Future

I have managed to cobble together two days where while I wasn't perfect, I made good choices with food and with coming on here for accountability.  The weekend is upon me and for me that means even more difficult choices.    I am once again not promising anything, but I'm hoping that I can at least make one small choice that propels me toward a healthier me!   

Small but Mighty

 I posted yesterday morning about how tomorrow never comes.   I didn’t make any grand affirmations of grandiose plans.  I didn’t make any vows for the day.  I didn’t do anything.  I simply acknowledged the fact that over the last years that I have  been planning on getting back on track/starting hard ‘tomorrow’.  I talked about willpower and I did say I needed it…but I promised nothing. 

That post generated something within me.  Nothing big…nothing grand.  I didn’t alter my planned lunch.  Ok, I probably didn’t alter it because it was relatively healthy…..a half of a roasted honey nut squash (the BEST squash out there…just saying) some strawberries and some raspberries and a half of a soft pretzel.   All in all not too bad. (Could have done without the pretzel if I wanted to be super strict, but I have always preached sustainability….so there ya go.)  all was going well, until lunch was over.   I walked back through our work room and I KNEW the candy jar was ‘over yonder’!   I have slipped into a habit of getting a piece….or two or three…of candy after lunch!   Sometimes I go back for a second round.   But yesterday I looked toward the candy jar and said, ‘no way….not today’.  A small, but mighty victory.

And I know…indulging in a bit of candy isn’t the end of the world.  But for me, right now it’s not good.  Simply because it’s not just one piece a day.  It’s not even just one day a week…it’s multiple pieces and every day.   Let’s break it down.  three miniature Reece’s cups are ‘only’ 130 calories.  But if I do it twice a day that is 260….five days a week that is 1300 a week!  We are nearing a half of a pound in calories a week….that almost 2pounds a month…..24 pounds a year.    I felt super victorious with my choice yesterday even though it seemed like such a tiny victory.  But 24 pounds a year is pretty big!!!

I am not claiming that there will be no chocolate after lunch today.  I’m not even going to attest to a healthy lunch.   We are ordering lunch to be delivered today, so I am prepared to go higher in my calories for lunch and I know what dinner is supposed to be…..I will track it all,  be it good or bad. But I know that even one tiny change can have a huge effect on my efforts.