Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change! 

Holiday Madness

 I can't believe that it is December first already.   Where is this year going?  It's insane to think that we have already passed not only Halloween but also Thanksgiving, meaning that we are fully in the Christmas season. Inconceivable!  

I would love to say that I got right back on the bandwagon after our vacation and lost the vacation weight and kept losing.    But that is not the case.   I posted a two pound gain the first day back after vacation but it actually settled on about a 4-5 pound gain.   I struggled to get back into the routine.  I was never really 'off'.  Meaning I never ate horribly.  But I never ate to lose.   So basically I nailed the maintain thing...

I had a normal week back at work and then Thanksgiving week hit.  Yup.  Right on the heels of vacation, before I got my mojo back I got hit with Thanksgiving.  I don't think I did too badly for the holiday meal.  I did eat two rolls (Delish) and two pieces of pie (Again delish).   And I was not overly hungry for dinner so I had a piece of garlic bread and another piece of pie.  

I got back to normal on Friday.....as normal as normal can be.  Back to work.  Back to the same eating habits that have me maintaining....but not losing.

Once again, not vowing for greatness....but I have to make small changes to fix this.  Nothing drastic....small changes, one at a time.   Because the worst part of this is that I KNOW that I am losing my mobility due to my excess weight.  I know that I am on a trajectory that is NOT good.  And yes it scares the living daylights out of me.  It depresses me.  It humbles me.  It terrifies me.  Yet this addiction to food overwhelms me and seemingly takes away any self control that I have.   And yes, notice I did say SEEMINGLY  I know that I have complete control and that it's my will power that needs to kick into high gear to overcome the addiction.  But anyone with an addiction will tell you.......that's easier said than done.   Just ask the smoker that is dying of lung cancer yet still smokes like a chimney!

 

But I can do this.......... 

 

 

Time to Make the Donuts

 Do you remember that old commercial, I think it was Dunkin' Donuts?  The one where the actor was dragging themselves to work and saying "Time to make the donuts"?   Yup, that's me today, dragging myself out of bed and to work because vacation is over.  BOOOO!

As I had said previously,  we were off work for a week but we were not going anywhere.  We were having a staycation and had a few places and things in mind for some day trips.  

We went to Little Buffalo State Park.  It was a decent little park.  It's in the middle of nowhere (quite literally).   It had some historical sites to visit (none of the buildings were open because it was not in season) and some short hiking trails. They allow boating and fishing in the lake and they have a pool for use in the summer.  If I lived close it would be a nice place to hang out in the summer. I am glad we went, but I probably won't go back simply because it was an hour or more drive for us....and since we didn't fish or anything, we probably spent less time at the park then it took us to drive back and forth to it.  But it was a neat place to visit!

We also went to Gettysburg for a day and hit up a new museum that opened in the last few years.  It is called Beyond the Battle and is run by the counties historical society.  It talks about the history of Gettysburg before and after the battle.  It also does include the battle because that is a huge part of Gettysburg history.   We were intrigued with the room that they have set up that you can go in and experience in a controlled manner what it must have felt like to be in a house during the battle with cannon blasts shaking the house, bullets flying around and going through the house.  It was sobering.   I took no pictures at that museum...simply because I forgot!    

We also hit up the Jennie Wade House.  Jennie Wade was the only Civilian killed during the battle and the house where she was killed is a museum.  I had visited this years ago, Jason had never visited.  So it seemed a perfect place to visit.  It was a great tour because we were literally the only people so we had a private tour with the tour guide.  That is always nice!

 We went to Frederick for a day.  We walked through some of our old haunts and favorite stores.  We also walked around downtown.  One day we actually went to the Aviation Museum in Hagerstown.  It's one of those things that it's in your own backyard so you kind of forget about visiting it.  But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.  It was well done and they have a nice collection of artifacts depicting the history of aviation in Hagerstown (Fairchild).  

We did some other minor things and spent some time working on tasks around the house (the gutters are nice and cleaned out now.........etc)

But alas, the time is over and it's not time to get back to normal.   

SO how did I do with my weight?  Not great!   There were desserts such as edible cookie dough, ice cream, cakes and cookies.   There were lots of dinners out.  There was nothing tracked!   But I usually ate a breakfast/brunch at home and then the dinner out.   So my eating was more limited and I wasn't eating all day long.    I drank next to NO water and drank pop all week long!  Not good!   As I said my weigh in this morning wasn't all that great.  But in reality it wasn't all that bad either!   I gained 2 pounds.   Yes, any gain is not good, but lets be honest.  I have gone on vacation before and gained 10 pounds in a week.  So 2 pounds?   I will take it!!!! (I delayed the weigh in until my first day back to work, when vacation was officially over) 

Meanwhile, I have my water jug/tumbler/container ready to go with me to work.  My lunch is packed.  I have my day planned out.  I've already been for a walk with the dog AND I have already exercised for 25 minutes! I gained two pounds and that's bad enough but I accept it because it WAS vacation, but darned if I am going to allow more to come on now that vacation is over!

Tenuous Hold

 I should have realized that the 'sadness' that has been prevalent in my life for the last few years was going to return.  I honestly can look back and see that there were signs of the impending doom.  However, it came as a total surprise because it hit during a time when I should be feeling hunky dory for a variety of reasons.

Lets talk about the good first. I had my weekly weigh in yesterday morning.   I was down on the scales.  I was down by another  3 pounds.  That means that in the last three weeks I have dropped 4.2 pounds. Yay me!!!!

 

The end of work last night also signified the beginning of vacation.  I normally don't talk about vacation until it's over because I don't like to announce the fact that my house will be empty while we are away. But this is a staycation with day trips and activities planned for each day, so my house will not be empty and even the day trips will have us departing and arriving home at random hours.  So yeah....vacation has arrived.  Hip Hip Hurray!

So why did I find myself standing in the middle of the kitchen last night a few minutes after arriving home from work crying my eyes out?   Well the official reason  was that I forgot the potato chips! Yes, potato chips.   I had to work until 6:15 and decided that the kitchen was closed for dinner.  so when I left work I dropped an online order for dinner.  Subs.....turkey for me.  Everything went well, I stopped to pick them up and grabbed myself a drink and then went home.  I was taking everything out of the bag when I realized that I had forgotten to grab potato chips.  Queue the tears.   

The potato chips were just the icing on the cake.   It's been a rough week for me.  I've made it no secret that I have struggled with my emotions in the last months and years.  As I sit here and type I think about some of those visits to mom in the last year or so of her life.  There were times where mom just looked at me and knew I wasn't OK.  I tried so hard to hold it together when I was with her, but I would just sit and cry.  Mom was safety....comfort.....love.    I feel like for years I was holding on by the skin of my teeth...even before mom died.....and after her death it was just even worse.    I vowed that the new job would be my new start and I've honestly been doing really good since starting my new job.   

I was confident that I had turned the corner.  I've been sleeping good and honestly just have felt so much lighter emotionally.  This past week the sleepless nights returned.  I honestly thought it was the time change wreaking havoc on my sleep.   I even thought at first that the tears last night over the missing potato chips was due to sleep deprivation, I have always been one that cries when I'm super tired.  (Although I don't feel super tired, I knew that my sleep wasn't that great.)  But as I laid in bed last night at midnight (and 1AM...and 2 AM....etc) I recognized that my issue wasn't a general issue with being on the old time zone because my mind was RACING!  I was so tired and wanted to sleep, but I couldn't turn my mind off.  And that is when I knew that the tenuous hold I had on my peace had slipped.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  

  I can't change some things.  I can't bring my my mom back.  I can't erase the period of unemployment.  I can't change most of what causes that heaviness of my soul resulting in my mind racing.  But I CAN focus on the good in my life.  I can remind myself that it could be oh so much worse.  I can focus on the beauty in life.  

So moving forward that is exactly what I will be doing.  Focusing on the beauty of life and focusing on changing that which CAN be changed.    We have plans for our week off and maybe it was my subconscious reminding me to look for the beauty in our world but these last few days I kept thinking and saying to myself "MaryFran, get your camera out and the batteries charged so that you can take your good cameras......dive into photography during your time off".   Photography saved me once before....it forced me to not look at the negative and sadness and instead focus on the beauty in the world.  So this vacation may be a lot about photography amidst our travels.    As for the change.  Yes, I have lost 4.2 pounds in three weeks, but it should be more (especially at my current weight)......my healthy endeavors is something that I can change.  I may not be able to change what the scales say (because those things are fickle!) but I CAN change my efforts!

  

 

 

Rock Bottom

 I was out walking the dog yesterday morning.  Jason had a bad headache so I was out by myself and therefore had music playing.   As I neared the end of my walk a song by Jelly Roll.  ‘Wining Streak’  the song is actually about an addict that is at rock bottom and takes those steps to change the course.

The song has been on the radio for however long and I was familiar with the song…enough to sing and hum along.  But it wasn’t until I was on my walk that I really started to pay attention to the lyrics….what made me stand up and take notice was the line about being at the end of the rope.   As the song played in the crisp fall temps while I walked I thought about rock bottom.   I am I rock bottom?   I sure as hell hope so.  I don’t want my weight to spiral further.  I don’t want my fitness levels to get any worse.  But as I walked I realized that rock bottom doesn’t hit until the change starts and the climb out of the pit begins.  I am hopefully at rock bottom….and it’s time to rebuild.   

Even as I made this revelation in my mind the song continued to play.   My mind picked up the chorus.  I listened and really thought about it.  It talks about the shame…. (Yes yes yes, I am so ashamed to be at this weight…again!). But it talks about how  someone who had been in his shoes before (and was 20 years clean)  said that everyone here has felt the same because no one comes to this place on a winning streak.

It just made me realize that shame shouldn’t have any place in my mind……

We got up an antique store this weekend…..of course I got a picture of me in an antique hat!   One of Jason too!

Wash Rinse Repeat

 We all know, that consistency is the key to success.   Wash Rinse Repeat....over and over and over again until you reach your goals.  But what about the wrong kind of consistency?   Wash Rinse and Repeat can also be extremely harmful because consistency with something that is not beneficial can and will create problems.

That is exactly what I faced this past week.   I didn't set any clear cut plan and instead went to follow my loosey goosey plan to get things under control. I still hold firm with my loosey goosey plan to reduce calories but not to start fanatical about it.  It should have gone swimmingly well. However it didn't and I honestly consider myself incredibly lucky to have even pulled out the maintain on the scales.    So what did I do?  I messed up my lunches, in terms of calories.

 So what has typically worked for me is for me to plan on one full meal a day.  This is the meal that I cook for us.  (This week we had lasagna, chicken sandwiches, fish and chips (well I had leftovers that night since I don't eat fish), and pesto chicken.  Nothing out of the ordinary....but full meals...including veggies and whatnot.)  For the other meals in each day what I have found that works for me is to eat a lighter meal....honestly more snacky than anything else.  (Lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, etc)  This has ALWAYS worked for me.  It is just how I have found a way to manage my calories (or points when I was WW).   That works for me on a typical day (I will eat more for lunch if we are hiking or biking or doing something really active).  

This week I defaulted to what I WANTED to eat for lunch instead of what I knew was healthy for me.  I ate leftovers every day.....normal sized servings of leftovers!   I didn't follow the routine that has typically always worked for me and I did it  day in and day out. Yet I expect changes to occur.  Changes can't occur if I am not being the change. 

So yeah, I did a wash rinse repeat of old habits this week......and I consider myself lucky to have escaped the week with a maintain!  

 Halloween was fun.  Zoey of course looked smashing in her costume!

 

And of course I rocked out my costume.....I was a domino.  Actually all of my coworkers were dominos....but here I am as a domino! 

Happy Halloween

 Halloween has come up on fast!   I have a costume for my dog….but failed to actually put it on her!   My goal is after work tonight!   If not, well I will have her costume for next year!!! 

Halloween also marked a weigh in day for me.  I maintained.  A maintain is better than a loss. But it’s not what I wanted or needed or SHOULD be seeing at this juncture!   

I know what I have done.  I switched up my lunches…..and they are a higher calorie lunch.   Nutritious but higher calorie.  So I know what I did ‘wrong’.   And I’m ok with that.   I’m just playing with my routines to see what my body likes at my current age.  Lesson learned!

Now off to celebrate Halloween with my work peeps….we will all be decked out in similar costumes and have a potluck planned (we are doing a taco bar).