Here's to week two of the new year!

This has been a crazy week.  I knew it was going to be thus, but I didn't realize exactly how crazy it was going to be. I actually wrote about the crazy week here.  No worries though, just busy.  What I didn't account for was one coworker being out sick ALL WEEK LONG and another one being out for one day.  Yikes.  I didn't expect to get hit with some tough news.  It has been crazier than I expected, and I still have Friday to make it through.  But lets get into it.....ohhh and on Thursdays my friend and I are sharing our weigh ins for accountability, so I will share with you how I did this first week of the new year.  So without further ado, lets get into it!

Retina Specialist 

During my normal visit to the optometrist to get new glasses, they told me that I may have a hole in my retina.   I felt confident that all was going to go well.  The optometrist had made the comment that he thought it was a pigment spot and nothing else, but to go to the specialist to be sure.  So on Monday I left work early and went to the specialist.   Numerous tests and two hours later and I was reeling.  

Not only do I have one hole in my retina, I have two.   Furthermore, I have thinning of the retina and he talked about me being per-glaucoma!   He skirted the last two things and said that we will deal with them later, the pressing thing now is the holes in my retina.  They want to fix them before they get worse.  So before I left I scheduled an appointment to get my holes fixed through laser.  Yes, what I had been told by my optometrist was correct, they are going to use a laser to zap the holes and that will fuse the holes shut.  After that, I guess we will start to worry about the other issues.

I got home from the appointment and rolled right into making dinner as it was a bit after 6PM by that point.  I ate dinner and I felt like a zombie.   I couldn't really even function.  I fell asleep in the living room by 7pm.  Jason woke me up for me to move to the bedroom, but otherwise, I slept through to the alarm.   Honestly, I think I was in shock at my news.

I woke up the next morning and felt better and decided to tackle my news by doing a little Dr. Google.     I wanted to know what caused these issues.  What is the treatment for the thinning retina.  I mean, what is happening.  I didn't make it far before I just lost it.   Tears and distress.  (Seriously, I can see the stages of grief/acceptance/whatever you want to call it, clear as day.)  I stopped and just tried to hold myself together as I prepared to go to work.  Yeah, I lost it when my coworkers asked about my results.  Oh well, at least I tried to hold it together.

By later that day I had accepted it (I'm still terrified about the laser thing..but oh well).    And I have actually been able to joke about it quite a bit.  I mean I asked a coworker for help and when she showed me something that was right in front of my face I just looked at her and said "It's my traitorous eyeballs you know".     I also have put the appointment in my work calendar as "zap zap of the eyeball".   So I'm doing ok, not exactly happy and not exactly looking forward to it all, but ok with it.

 

Soul Fusion Foundations

Even  with my trauma and messed up eyeballs, I managed to make it to my first to classes of Soul Fusion. (A class that focuses on flexibility, balance and mobility).   I was nervous.  Number one, I was going by myself and knew no one!  Secondly I was afraid that I was going to fail at everything and not be able to do stuff.    But I was pleasantly surprised.  I was able to complete almost everything she did. (There was one stretch that just didn't work for me....I think my stomach was prohibiting the movement).  In fact, maybe 1/4 of the way through she was like "you are doing great, I may try some other stuff.    I feel like I did well.  My legs were a bit like jelly when I left, but overall I was fine and didn't have any real issue with sore muscles.  I am anxious to see if I notice any difference in my mobility in the coming weeks.   

 Notary Exam

Thursday, in the midst of craziness with people off work, I left and went to take my notary exam.  Do you know how many years it's been since I took an official exam/test?   A lot!   So understandably, I was nervous.  I spent some time the night before doing the review and practice test.  I read through my notes in the morning while at work.   And in the  afternoon I went and took the test.   I passed slick as a whistle (I did miss one question and got a 98%) and it only took me ten of the sixty allotted minutes.    So next up I will get a confirmation email, get my bond paperwork and supplies and I can go and be sworn in.  I'm getting closer.

 Weigh In

This first week of the year I have not tracked a single calorie.  I have however written my food into my day planner.  I have tried to drink a decent amount of water (some days I did good others not as good) and I have really tried to avoid or at least seriously limit my sweets.  I have had one or two small pieces of candy (I'm talking ONE miniature Reece's Cup on one or two days).   But overall, I have done well.  And I am happy to say that I dropped 2 pounds.   So I'm on a roll!

One more day until the weekend and I can't wait!!!  Next week should be a bit more 'normal'.  Or should I say the 'new normal' that has me going to an exercise class twice a week.  :-)   But mostly normal.  The zap zap of the eyeball won't come until the following week.  I plan on doing the same routine of tracking my food but not worrying about calories this week and we shall see how that goes!

But here's to week two of the new year 

 

 

 

I"m Lacking in Resolutions

New Years Eve came and went and I have not done any of those typical things that happen at the beginning of the year for people who are serious about losing weight and getting fit.  I haven't done a single solitary thing.  Resolutions?  Nope, I didn't set them.   Write down goals?  Nada.  Not a one.   Did I even write down a word of the year?  Can't say that I did.   Why?  Well, I just didn't feel like it.  But that doesn't mean that I don' have an idea of how I want this year to go.

Theme of the Year

I have chosen words of the year previously.  I have even broken it down to words of the month and words of the week.  I love love love the concept.  But I didn't do it this year.  But that said, I have an idea of what my year theme is.  My theme is rebirth and recovery.  I have been struggling with a lot lately.  I've struggled with depression and an overwhelming sadness.  Along with that comes the anxiety and lack of self worth.  All of it goes hand in hand together and it is perfectly matched with my weight loss efforts.  To recover my physical health, I need to fix myself internally.  That is my theme.....recovery.

How am I proposing to do this? 

  First of all, lots of prayer when the anxiousness and depression threatens to overwhelm.   The last few days I have felt some of these feelings and I have prayed for peace and then after my prayer I mentally force myself to walk away from the overwhelming feelings.  Sure, the feelings came back....but my theory is that it will take them longer and longer to come back each time.

Secondly, I am putting myself first.  I am signing up for my exercise class.  I know that it will inconvenience our home life.  I won't be getting home until around 7:15-7:30 each night.  That's late for someone that has an alarm that goes off at 5AM.   Dinners will have to be pre-planned and prepared well in advance, utilizing the crock pot, the insta-pot and the use of casseroles that can be popped into the oven when Jason gets home to be ready for my arrival.    As inconveniencing as it is, I can't continue to ignore myself and run myself ragged in an effort to take care of everyone else.  It's not that I don't want to take care of Jason anymore, I just know that I have to take care of myself first. (In taking care of myself I will be better equipped to take care of Jason).   But the most important thing is that I am putting myself first because even though I don't always believe it, I know that I am worth every ounce of effort I put into myself. 

Third, I am focusing on things that make me happy.   Last year I read 200 books, yes exactly 200.  It was a day or two before the new year and I saw that I was at 199 and I  knew that I didn't want to leave it at 199....so I made sure to finish the book that I was reading before midnight on New Years Eve.   I love to read and it does make me happy.  So I will be continuing to read. But I will also be doing crafty things.  I love the creativity involved in making quilts (yes I know I still need to take a picture of my memory quilt) and in doing my dollhouse/miniatures.  So I will be focusing on that.  It makes me happy and it reminds me of who I really am!

Weight Loss

I haven't set any main goals for the year.  I am not vowing to lose such and such amount of pounds. I didn't set a resolution to keep my calorie count at a specific number or below.  Same with water and exercise.  I have no set goals.

However, I WILL be working on my weight loss and fitness journey.  I have not been calorie counting.  I've done that for over 20 years.  I'm weary of that.  What I am doing instead is writing down my food.  I am just not adding a number to it in terms of calories and points.  Writing it down as of right now has been sufficient enough make me cognizant of what I am eating, which is the trick for me. (Remember I've had had 20 years of tracking so I kinda know WHAT I need to do even without the numbers attached to each piece of food I put into my mouth).   On Friday at work I did have a Reece's Cup.  It was a miniature and I only had one!  I WANTED more, but I kept it at one.  I knew I had to write it down and I didn't want to write down any more than one!     This may have to be adjusted in a few months or maybe even next week.  But for right now I am trying to focus on eating intrinsically with the reminder (call it a check and balance)  that I have to write it down when it's all said and done.  

 Fitness

As I have said a few times, I have this new exercise class that focuses on flexibility and mobility.   I will be continuing to walk the dog in the mornings (brrr it's so darn cold walking her at 6AM).   I plan on starting some cardio form of exercise within a week or two.  I dread it, because for me to do it I will be exercising at 5AM while Jason is in the shower.  (I hate hate hate doing it that early....but anything else and it won't get done!).   And that's it.......I plan on exercising.  No set number of times....just plan on kicking back in...hopefully the week of the 12th (unless this new class kicks my behind so much that I delay it a bit to get into that routine!)

Finances

I have been really enjoying working on my dollhouse and miniatures.  It has been costing me some money.  That is OK, I have spending money allotted in my budget.  But I can see how this could be an issue if I keep spending at the rate that I have been spending.   I also have been not saying no when my co-workers ask if I want to order out for lunch....which turns out to be between 10-20 dollars each time!  Ohhh yeah, and there are those days that I am on my way to work and decide that a breakfast sandwich (and tater tots and a drink) would be fabulous.  That ends up being about $10.  I have been able to add to my savings and I'm happy with how that account is looking and how it is growing. But I know that if I want it to keep growing something has to give.  I can't keep eating out all the time and buy miniatures and the supplies I need to make miniatures.  One has to go.  I have decided that the eating out has to be curtailed.  So I will be declining most if not all of the meals out in conjunction to work.  The added bonus?   Think of all those calories saved!  

Speaking of miniatures, I will share some pics of the miniature projects here at some point, but lately I have been doing the not so exciting things like building walls, painting, planning....and just not picture friendly things like making a spiral staircase that isn't installed yet so it looks not as fun.   

 

20 Year Blogiversary

 This post is utterly embarrassing to write.   Seriously, it's a hard one for me.   Because you see, it is my 20 year anniversary of writing my thoughts and feelings as they pertain to my weight loss efforts with a little life thrown in there.  

20 years is a long time.   I have been writing on here longer than my youngest nephew has been alive.  (Nope, I didn't commemorate his arrival in any post.....I just checked.).  I have been writing on here longer than I have known Jason, a lot longer than I have known Jason.   (I wrote about meeting a 'friend' in November of 2025 here,  that friend as Jason.).  I have written on here through a divorce.  (I finally came clean about the failure of my marriage here.).  And of course I wrote about my marriage to Jason. (We had so much fun keeping it a secret and then surprising everyone.).  Vacations, I've written about them.  Sickness, yup wrote about that too.  Loss of parents, sadly we have covered that one also.  A lot of happened in 20 years and I've been writing about it.   Seriously, I have written a long time!  20 years.  

So why am I embarrassed?   20 years of writing should be something to be proud of.  But it's not because it's not all victorious.  I feel like a failure.   Because of where I am now.

I started out writing when I was was morbidly obese.

 In those early years I lost a lot of weight.  I was so victorious and I felt so amazing!

 And then I struggled.  For years upon years I have struggled with my weight. Lose a little, gain a little and then sometimes gain a little more.   And here I am , finding myself morbidly obese AGAIN. 

 Utterly embarrassing!!!!

 My last bit of embarrassment is the fact that I was planning this post for January 6th, the date of my blogiversary.   I even wrote about the date in my last post.   So imagine my surprise and shame when I decided to verify the date and realized that my blogiversary was actually January 5th.  This forgetfulness and floating anniversary has been an ongoing issue as evidenced by my anniversary post from last year which talked about all my anniversary posts over the years and highlighted the various days I celebrated.   But hey, I figured it out in time to actually post on the correct day this year.  That's a plus!

 I am still here thought.  I've not given up.  I am determined to make year 21 on this blog another one of victory.  I have done it before, I can do it again!

 

So some fun stats:

Number of Posts:  2713 

Comments: 12231 Comments 

Views:  4.5 Million (not bad for my little online journal to chronicle my weight loss efforts) 

Year  with the most posts:  2008 (334 posts)

Year with the least posts:  2022 (41 posts)  

 

Busy week

 I am gearing up for a busy week!  Yeah, I know that I am just finishing up this holiday week, but I am looking forward to this next week and it's gonna be a busy one!

 

Retina Specialist

A few weeks ago I went to the eye doctor for my normal yearly appointment and new glasses.   I was happy (not that it really mattered) that my vision didn't change much.  My prescription was mostly the same.  I got myself some new specs which I really like.  Ok, the main reason that I like them is that this new pair does not have the nose pieces and is instead just the plastic frame that rests on my nose.  Why is this important?  Well it's important because if I am reading of on my ipad I usually just push my glasses up on my head and go with my normal vision.  Yeah, I know that I have progressive lenses and that seems counter productive.  But it just works for me.  The eye doctor is aware and actually encouraged me to read without glasses when I can.  All was going splendidly with my appointment until the eye doctor started to make a comment, and he kept going back and saying the same thing before going onto something else, just to circle back around to the same exact comment.  So I knew he was really thinking and grappling with something.   The comment?   "I think that's probably just a pigment spot".    But he kept going back to it to look again and finally he said, "I just can't be 100% sure that this tiny spot is pigment.  It very well could be a pin hole in your retina."   

Say what?  

Yeah, I very well may have a hole in my retina.  A tiny one right now.  But a hole none the less.  And this possible hole requires me to visit a retina specialist.  I did ask them what happens at this point.  A small hole will usually get bigger and can be the start of a detached retina.  (sounds scary).    They couldn't give advice as they were not the specialist but they did say that typically a wee tiny hole would just be repaired with a zap of a laser to fuse the hole.  Zap Zap and it's done.  They said that the tears/holes that go uncorrected and get bigger can have more invasive repairs (a metal buckle in the eye is what they alluded to...yikes!)  The eye doctors words were "I could be wasting your time by sending to a specialist, but on the flip side I could be a hero for catching this so early."   I quickly assured him that I would rather be safe than sorry....especially since I only get one set of eyes.  Sooooooo.... on Monday January 5th, I am heading to a retina specialist for a 2 hour appointment.   I imagine that I should have some idea of what is happening by the end of the appointment. (I HOPE)

 Soul Fusion Foundations

In my last post I wrote about how I had found a beginners exercise class (very small class size) that focuses on mobility and flexibility.   I have made the commitment and I am looking forward to starting.  I know that it will be ugly.  I won't be able to do all the moves because I have slipped that far. But I am anxious to get rolling so that I can start to see improvements!    The first class is Tuesday the 6th after work and the second class is Thursday after work.    Something new and exciting.

Notary

Also this week is my scheduled appointment to take my notary exam.  Yes, I am set to become a notary in the fine state of Pennsylvania.  I have taken the class.  I have submitted my application.  I am just waiting to take the exam and that exam is scheduled for Thursday January 8th in the afternoon.    The course that I went through offers a refresher guide and a practice exam that they recommend that you do the day or two before you take the exam.  So I have to slip that into my week.  

Blog-i-versary

On January 6th  I will celebrate 20 years of writing and sharing my journey on this forum.  Crazy I know!  So I have to write a post commemorating that for sure!

Normal Hum Drum Life

Of course in the midst of all of that craziness I will still be working my normal 40 hours at work (although lately it has been more like 42-45 hours each week).  I will be making dinners each evening, going on a walk with the dog in the morning, and all the other normal stuff.   So yeah, it's gonna be a busy one!  But amidst the crazy is some exciting changes that will be nice in my life! 

This is Not Going to End Well

 A few days ago I as having a conversation and I said "this is not going to end well'. That phrase has been the mantra in my head since then.

The conversation was about my health.  I was talking about the trajectory that I am on.  I am slowly gaining weight.  Now lets be clear, I don't gain weight each day or even each week.  But I will be hanging steady in a 'decade' on the scales (A decade being a 10 pound range).  I'll be in that decade for a few months and then one day I wake up and I am in the next decade.   And sadly, it's not the decade below, it's the next decade up.  So a slow rise.   The weight is not the only issue.  I am slowly losing mobility.  Yeah yeah yeah, I know. I am in my 50's and someone is bound to remind me of that.  But lets be honest.  a 53 year old (because yes, I did just have a birthday) should NOT be struggling to get up off the sofa.  A 53 year old should NOT be reluctant to get down to look in the bottom shelf of the fridge because she knows the struggle to get back up.  A 53 year old should not dread doing laundry because it's down in the basement and doing steps hurts. 

 

 Ok, the steps could be the arthritis in my knees.  But the rest of it......shouldn't be happening!  I've seen this coming at me like a slow moving freight train.  About a year ago I realized that if I knelt on one knee I just COULDN'T get up like I used to.  Getting down on one knee feels choppy and rough and totally not graceful.  But when I'm down there and go to get up I literally know what I need to do.  My brain is literally sending the signals to my muscles (thighs.....core...you name it) but they will NOT move.  It's insane.  Crouching?   Oh my....once again choppy and ugly and I can still do it....kinda.  I can get down and I can get up but on my word it HURTS. Yet I still try to force myself to do it.  But I really have to think about it and force myself to do it.      I see the slip.  I have seen it happening.  I have tried to take extra precautions to stop the downward slide.  I force myself to stand from the couch or a chair without using my hands.....when I remember to not use my hands.  I try to do these things even when I know they will hurt.  But at the most that has slowed the progression, maybe halted it.

But slowing the progression isn't enough.  I need to regain my mobility.

A few years ago I found a small fitness studio near my house.  I honestly think the studio and class size is limited to 6 or 8 (if I remember correctly).  I contacted the owner a few years back.  I actually contacted her before my mobility issues became obvious.  But life was still in the throes of being nuts.  So I never followed through.  A few months ago I saw that she was starting a new class.  Soul Fusion Foundations.  This class was for people that had seen mobility and flexibility diminish....ladies specifically.  I was super interested.  But I was quite literally just starting my job, so I put it on the back burner. 

By back burner, I mean that I totally forgot about it.  Then about a week ago I made that comment "this is not going to end well'.  I made the comment in a couple of different conversations with various people too. I know that I can change the trajectory of this path.  But to change the trajectory, I need to change what I'm doing.  In the midst of those thoughts I was flipping through social media and what should appear (not 8 tiny reindeer) but a post from this small fitness studio.  She is looking for people to join her foundations class and put a post out there.   I contacted her immediately.  It's a bit more money than I would like to spend.  But I am signing up.  Two nights a week for an hour each.  I am going to try to regain my mobility and flexibility. 

I also have a weekly weigh in planned with a friend....to give me accountability. 

The other factor that may play to my favor is this dollhouse project that I talked about in my last post. (You can read that here.)  The miniature world can be pricey.  Even if I make my own stuff, it takes supplies.  I don't want to sacrifice my existing savings account nor do I want to sacrifice the amounts that I am putting into my savings each month.  So that means something has to be adjusted.  Limiting my eating out while at work on on the way to work will help limit wasteful calories!  Win Win!

 

 

 

Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change! 

Holiday Madness

 I can't believe that it is December first already.   Where is this year going?  It's insane to think that we have already passed not only Halloween but also Thanksgiving, meaning that we are fully in the Christmas season. Inconceivable!  

I would love to say that I got right back on the bandwagon after our vacation and lost the vacation weight and kept losing.    But that is not the case.   I posted a two pound gain the first day back after vacation but it actually settled on about a 4-5 pound gain.   I struggled to get back into the routine.  I was never really 'off'.  Meaning I never ate horribly.  But I never ate to lose.   So basically I nailed the maintain thing...

I had a normal week back at work and then Thanksgiving week hit.  Yup.  Right on the heels of vacation, before I got my mojo back I got hit with Thanksgiving.  I don't think I did too badly for the holiday meal.  I did eat two rolls (Delish) and two pieces of pie (Again delish).   And I was not overly hungry for dinner so I had a piece of garlic bread and another piece of pie.  

I got back to normal on Friday.....as normal as normal can be.  Back to work.  Back to the same eating habits that have me maintaining....but not losing.

Once again, not vowing for greatness....but I have to make small changes to fix this.  Nothing drastic....small changes, one at a time.   Because the worst part of this is that I KNOW that I am losing my mobility due to my excess weight.  I know that I am on a trajectory that is NOT good.  And yes it scares the living daylights out of me.  It depresses me.  It humbles me.  It terrifies me.  Yet this addiction to food overwhelms me and seemingly takes away any self control that I have.   And yes, notice I did say SEEMINGLY  I know that I have complete control and that it's my will power that needs to kick into high gear to overcome the addiction.  But anyone with an addiction will tell you.......that's easier said than done.   Just ask the smoker that is dying of lung cancer yet still smokes like a chimney!

 

But I can do this..........